[Emmsmms]

Hello all. I'm new here, so if this is a newbie question and/or something obvious I'm missing, I apologize. This post is twofold: I'm pretty sure I'm an ENFP (every online test I've taken has come out as such, and it seems to fit me pretty well), and I was just wondering if any other ENFPs have had issues with friends wherein you (the ENFP) tries to get "too close." I'll try to make this as simple as I can, but I'm sorry for the length:



I'm an American currently studying acting in a prestigious English drama school. (I think this is relevant, because I'm currently halfway across the world from most of my other friends, in a high stress situation with lots of...shall we say, dramatic people.) I think I've royally screwed up a wonderful friendship that I formed over the past year by trying to get, in his words, "too close." We started out (when we met last fall) by really hitting it off (generally speaking, we connected in a stronger way than either of us did with any of the other people we met at the same time) and became very good friends. Hung out a lot, listened to music, got drunk, watched movies, talked, confided, whatever. We found we had a lot in common and understood each other pretty well, and though he's had friend issues in the past and doesn't really trust anyone, for the first half of the year I was very content in the fact that, in comparison to the majority of the other people we know, I had at least one friend who I felt understood and appreciated me.

Then, everything started to go downhill. It all began, when, in my eagerness to help him with an issue he was having, I didn't think straight and told someone something I shouldn't have, and he got hurt and lost some of previous faith in me. As a result, he wanted some space from me, understandably enough. Now, I don't know about you other ENFPs, but when I grow very close to and trust someone, it's hard for me to consciously back off, and though I tried, I was having a hard time with it. Things were okay, though, for a little while (though not to the same level of closeness and intimacy that we had before), but in the past two months or so it's all fallen apart.

See, the more I tried to back off, the harder it got, and we ended up having a few talks about how I was too clingy. (I've heard this before from other friends in the past, thought I had more or less gotten over the issue, and was not happy to hear it again.) And there were some lies and all this stuff that complicates it even more, but basically, the more I tried to back off, the more it hurt and the harder it got and I got even less and less effective. Because I was getting less and less effective, I could feel him pulling way, but because I could sense that, I got even more and more desperate to have my friend back and kept on pushing, which made him pull away even more. It's terrible.

The other night we had a conversation where, among other things, he basically said that he had thought he knew who I was but doesn't think he does anymore. (Which is terribly hurtful, because I let him in and trusted him in a way I've done with few other people in my lifetime.) That things always seem to be going alright and getting better, until I get upset about something he says and try to talk to him about it. He said I tried to get way too close, closer than someone who's a friend should.

So, now I'm in this ridiculous situation where we open a production on a professional scale in a well respected English theatre next week. I have to leave the country this summer and move back to the States; he's staying here. I feel alone. I feel helpless. I miss my friend, but considering the time schedule we're on, I don't think I can get him back. I feel like I've had the rug torn out from under me, and I'm consumed with guilt cause it was my "pushing" that continually messed things up.

I'm so sorry for this length (and even so, this is gigantically summarized and simplified), but I really want to know if other ENFPs can relate to this and/or share any insight. Aren't friendships hugely important to us? Thanks very much in advance.

(As a side note: ages ago I sent him a test to take, and at the time he said he came out as an ENFJ but wasn't sure cause he didn't remember exactly. Don't know if that's relevant.)

[marzipan01]

Yeah, enfj sounds about right. There's a great misunderstanding here between Fi and Fe in this regard. It seems minor because what you want is forgiveness. Unfortunately, for you, forgiveness is a function of Fi. So what you have to do is slow down and reconnect. Meaning approach him on common ground--your common interests etc. and let the friendship slowly form again. Don't try to apologize and all that, just accept it for what it is. I know it probably sounds stupid and like I'm tossing it aside so I'm going to re-direct you to a few things I've written on the matter.
Developing Emotional Awareness The Two Emotional Palettes - Blogs - PersonalityCafe
The Two Colors of Happiness

[marzipan01]

Also, I understand that your post is long because you really want to understand and you're trying to illustrate the importance of this friendship. I'm sorry that Fe users get upset over what Fi users consider to be trivial matters. But that's the way life is. You should find an MBTI ISTJ, INFP, INTJ or ENFP if you are looking for good friends that will understand you and be on your side 100%. To the ENFP, friendship is our most important and most seriously taken activity on the planet. I'm with you. ;)

[Dania]

Yeah... I haven't really had it told to me before but I have gotten shrugged off before by a few people who I got too close to when I was younger. I basically got obsessed with my friends then, would do anything to protect them... I was really into friendships then especially because I have no family. Friends took up all my time really and I would move from obsessions with on girl, shrugged off, obsession with a next girl... cycle continues.

People need space and autonomy. I think you have basically been violating that and thats why he is pulling away.
Dont get too caught up in fixing people's problems that they havent asked you to fix. They may not enjoy the measures you take to get things done. The violation of autonomy and privacy must be so great that he cant even see that you did it to help him. (i hope I am not twisting things here... I am sort of speaking for myself as well)

Lesson learnt huh? Hopefully, so you dont let the same thing happen again if you find another such relationship.

I have learnt to NEED my own space so that I can understand that people need theirs. So that I am not shoving myself down peoples throats. So that I can back out when people need me to. What you should have done is apologize and give him a chance to heal. But my guess is you dont know how to be away from people... how to be alone... how to give space. Work on this and you should be fine.

[edit: when I say people I dont mean everybody, I mean people of high interest.. who we have been obsessed with.
When I say alone, I mean being away from them. ]
My advice:
Try to salvage what is left of the friendship. Part on good enough terms, keep his contacts... you never know where the years will take you. If you admire him so much as a friend you may very well circle back around to were you were before, this time you would know how to handle thing.