[changeforhappiness]

Hi fellow ENFP'ers, I need your help!
Okay, so I was never the popular kid at school. I had a few close friends but I don't think I was ever in the popular crowd. However I kept on telling myself that things would get better and fortunately, they did. Once I entered high school, my circle of friends seemed to have grown by quite a bit. I was really happy, until my stupid over analyzing, sensitive side started to kick in. It was partially due to weight issues which led to my plummeting self esteem and me finding an excuse to leave every time my friends would go out for lunch/dinner. Don't get me wrong, I was/am not anorexic or bulimic, I just didn't want to eat food that seemed particularly unhealthy and send me rocketing back into my overweight days. But that's another story xD
Anyway, I have this issue where I get disappointed because I probably have too high expectations of others. I guess I just want them to do what I would do for them like stay with me when I feel sick and not ditch me, notice when I feel sad, etc etc.(sorry for sounding so selfish!) but things like that don't always happen and when they don't, I feel somewhat disappointed and let down. Which is really annoying because I know I should just appreciate what I have. And then when I see my friends do that to others (like help them when they feel sick, etc) I can't help but feel sad at the fact that they didn't do that for me. So I lapse into this mode of over analyzation where everything is filled with negativity and it's not a nice place to be, filled with thoughts like what did I do? why is she mad at me? Am I too boring? etc and I really want to change that because I feel like I'm starting to alienate myself from all of my friends by being this selfish person who craves company and well, attention (ironic because I'm really shy) and sometimes I find myself struggling to keep a conversation going with other people.
I really appreciate it if you've read up to here - you don't know what it means to me because I haven't really told anyone about this yet since I don't really open up about my feelings that easily because I'm scared about what others think about me.
So ENFP er's, how do I become more sociable and less over analytical over these small, trifle matters and focus on the more important and optimistic things in life?
Thanks so much and please don't judge!

[zadude]

I'm going to take an educated guess and assume you are still very young.


As far as the food issues go, I think there is nothing wrong with avoiding unhealthy foods. I have been doing that for the past 6 years (I started at 16) and I’ve seen my friends go from skinny to fat while improving my own body. It pays off, just do it the right way and consult a physician if you’d like a good diet plan. I think you are still safe to go out to lunch/dinner, portion control is everything. You are still allowed to live even if you live healthy!

I’ve spoken to many ENFPs that feel unappreciated because of their high expectation for others. I relate to that more than I can tell you as well, it’s been a constant my whole life. I think we’re just very selfless people in general that want to help others. We come off as particularly strong people that may not actually need help. For example, lack of display of emotion can lead people to believe you are an emotional rock and thus can handle yourself.

Over analyzing is also something I relate to. The thing there is that, as you develop as a person and grow older – you will become more in control of this perceived weakness and turn it into the positive that it really is. Over analyzing also leads to negative thought patterns if you let it, your goal should be to turn every negative thought into something positive in your head.

One thing I noticed as an ENFP was complete lack of appreciation when I was younger. I went through elementary and middle school being bullied and a few times, beat up. People didn’t like, even girls talked down to me! It was like wtf. High school things got a bit better, I wanted to be in the in-crowd and I eventually was apart of it, though not the center of attention. It still wasn’t satisfying and I would get left out of things all the time for no reason, so back to disappointment.

It wasn’t till I hit college that things really changed. Seems for whatever reason, everything took a complete 180. And on going – more and more people are drawn to my ENFP personality, as I grow older. I think I grew up a bit too fast and was a bit too mature as a kid to be liked. While kids at 16 were eating all the junk in front of them, I was talking to my Mom about the sodium content in one hot dog (LOL, I had an old dude call me out at the grocery store for that). Back on topic, it’s actually insane how quickly things have changed. I used to worry that I was boring for years, now I realize that I’m probably one of the most interesting person people will meet. I also am often the center of attention given my intriguing personality and vast accomplishments (I'd say most ENFPs have a very, very intriguing personality and can be fairly accomplished people if they have a goal and focus in on it). You just need to really believe in yourself.

One thing that hasn’t changed about me – I can still be shy compared to the usual extrovert; I can be really shy sometimes. We are more introspective and I think notice our flaws a bit more, which can make us feel more withdrawn.

Another thing that hasn't changed - people are still selfish . We can be pretty selfless and good. I am still constantly disappointed by the selfishness of my friends and family.

I think you are doing just fine to be honest. You need to change the negativity into positivity and focus in on your goals. Find a close friend as well who you can potentially vent to – if you can find someone to trust like that.

Hi fellow ENFP'ers, I need your help!
Okay, so I was never the popular kid at school. I had a few close friends but I don't think I was ever in the popular crowd. However I kept on telling myself that things would get better and fortunately, they did. Once I entered high school, my circle of friends seemed to have grown by quite a bit. I was really happy, until my stupid over analyzing, sensitive side started to kick in. It was partially due to weight issues which led to my plummeting self esteem and me finding an excuse to leave every time my friends would go out for lunch/dinner. Don't get me wrong, I was/am not anorexic or bulimic, I just didn't want to eat food that seemed particularly unhealthy and send me rocketing back into my overweight days. But that's another story xD
Anyway, I have this issue where I get disappointed because I probably have too high expectations of others. I guess I just want them to do what I would do for them like stay with me when I feel sick and not ditch me, notice when I feel sad, etc etc.(sorry for sounding so selfish!) but things like that don't always happen and when they don't, I feel somewhat disappointed and let down. Which is really annoying because I know I should just appreciate what I have. And then when I see my friends do that to others (like help them when they feel sick, etc) I can't help but feel sad at the fact that they didn't do that for me. So I lapse into this mode of over analyzation where everything is filled with negativity and it's not a nice place to be, filled with thoughts like what did I do? why is she mad at me? Am I too boring? etc and I really want to change that because I feel like I'm starting to alienate myself from all of my friends by being this selfish person who craves company and well, attention (ironic because I'm really shy) and sometimes I find myself struggling to keep a conversation going with other people.
I really appreciate it if you've read up to here - you don't know what it means to me because I haven't really told anyone about this yet since I don't really open up about my feelings that easily because I'm scared about what others think about me.
So ENFP er's, how do I become more sociable and less over analytical over these small, trifle matters and focus on the more important and optimistic things in life?
Thanks so much and please don't judge!

[Kelly617]

Maybe it's because you find it difficult to be open and honest about how you feel. Your friends may help out others because it's obvious to them that those others need help. I think if you just asked for help, you'd be really surprised how many would be willing, ready and able to do whatever they could for you. I know that it's difficult sometimes, but we have to remember that people aren't mind readers, and usually what's happening inside our heads is completely unknown to them until we outright explain. It isn't selfish to crave company, or to want help from your friends, but you can't expect them to be all over it when you have a problem if you don't tell them you have a problem.

Honesty and communication are wonderful tools. You don't have to be an open book, but try sharing the little personal things about yourself once and a while and telling people about how you think even if you feel insane for thinking it. So many people will be feeling/thinking the same way and totally ready to bond. Others will be surprised you felt so alone or neglected and jump at the chance to help. People are awesome, but you need to give them the chance to be.

[tine]

I have to agree that honesty is a very good trait. Since I've been more honest with my friends we've grown alot closer and if you share they tend to share too :) Say to them you're concerned about eating healthily and they should understand. I have an allergy to dairy and I'm a veggie, so when we go out I just eat very different stuff and we all make sure to go somewhere we can all eat and enjoy!
If you want more friends then just get out and talk to people more. My current bf met me and my friends by wandering over after a comic con and chatting with us :P

[Dania]

Been through what you have been through, sort of and I honestly dont know if this feeling can be gotten rid of.

You could speak to your friends about it, though that is highly unlikely (for me anyway) and if they are genuine friends they will see and supply your needs. The thing is not all friends really care that much (or so I believe) and its pretty difficult to figure out the ones that are genuine.

[edit/rant] but why do I need to ask? No one has to ask me for anything.

It could be my theory (which sadly, is pessimistic): that most people are 100% self serving (which is a touch pill to swallow being enfp)
or
It could be as mentioned above

For example, lack of display of emotion can lead people to believe you are an emotional rock and thus can handle yourself.

or both maybe.

Sort of sad to hear other people with this problem... and here I was thinking I just wanted/needed/expecting too much.
I have settled with becoming more self serving myself - sad but true - and expecting nothing from people to limit disappointments.

[Master Wolf]

When we are oppressed, we usually become more virtuous than those that are not.

Your vulnerability is a gift, because it is part of the necessary ingredients of forming relationships, and trust.

Try to remember that if you were very successful, some of these values like loyalty and high expectations would fade a bit.

That would be okay because you would be connected to life in a different way. The phases go up and down as we grow and adapt.

Being somewhat sad or insecure, is really easy to have happen.

In general though, every connection in life really comes down to either Spiritual, Sexual, or Intellectual.

Ask yourself which one of those you think is holding you back the most, and work on that one.

People are very superficial, and they often judge a book by its cover. Just wearing a collared shirt for me, has a huge difference on how people treat me, vs. a T shirt, vs. unbuttoning the top button, vs. the color of the shirt, etc.. *shrugs. Thats just how people often are.

So don't get down about it. In fact, if you want, dig into your past, ask yourself, what rejection really hurt (we've all had them, and without them we would have nothing called empathy, which results from relating to eachothers vulnerabilities (why it is a gift)), and try to ask yourself, was it just a superficial miscommunication based on bullcrap? If you find that you would act differently now in the situation, that means you have taken control of your past and owned it. You are now more confident, simply because you have more control of what took away your confidence.

Self-Efficacy is more important than self-esteem.

Hope this helped a lil, good luck with it! :)

[marzipan01]

Hi fellow ENFP'ers, I need your help!
Okay, so I was never the popular kid at school. I had a few close friends but I don't think I was ever in the popular crowd. However I kept on telling myself that things would get better and fortunately, they did. Once I entered high school, my circle of friends seemed to have grown by quite a bit. I was really happy, until my stupid over analyzing, sensitive side started to kick in. It was partially due to weight issues which led to my plummeting self esteem and me finding an excuse to leave every time my friends would go out for lunch/dinner. Don't get me wrong, I was/am not anorexic or bulimic, I just didn't want to eat food that seemed particularly unhealthy and send me rocketing back into my overweight days. But that's another story xD
Anyway, I have this issue where I get disappointed because I probably have too high expectations of others. I guess I just want them to do what I would do for them like stay with me when I feel sick and not ditch me, notice when I feel sad, etc etc.(sorry for sounding so selfish!) but things like that don't always happen and when they don't, I feel somewhat disappointed and let down. Which is really annoying because I know I should just appreciate what I have. And then when I see my friends do that to others (like help them when they feel sick, etc) I can't help but feel sad at the fact that they didn't do that for me. So I lapse into this mode of over analyzation where everything is filled with negativity and it's not a nice place to be, filled with thoughts like what did I do? why is she mad at me? Am I too boring? etc and I really want to change that because I feel like I'm starting to alienate myself from all of my friends by being this selfish person who craves company and well, attention (ironic because I'm really shy) and sometimes I find myself struggling to keep a conversation going with other people.
I really appreciate it if you've read up to here - you don't know what it means to me because I haven't really told anyone about this yet since I don't really open up about my feelings that easily because I'm scared about what others think about me.
So ENFP er's, how do I become more sociable and less over analytical over these small, trifle matters and focus on the more important and optimistic things in life?
Thanks so much and please don't judge!

I have difficulty because people don't help me out sometimes. And then I realized that they wanted to but I didn't ask for it or communicate my needs. Have you asked them to help you? Given them the details of your problem so that they might be urged to help you in your time of need?
People want to help you. But if you aren't voicing your needs, they aren't going to know what's up.
I have this problem. And it relates back to that whole: I don't want to be emotionally manipulative guilt trip that follows ENFPs around everywhere. You aren't a burden unless you don't ask for help when you need it and end up in more serious situations because of it.