Interested to read this now, because I was JUST thinking about this yesterday!
To be honest, as a kid I never saw myself getting married. I think I was the classical ENFP...I imagined myself “loving” somebody but I had no sense of any concept of a “long-term commitment” or “growing old” together. (Not “growing old” at all, in fact...hmm...)
Fast forward to today: I had an epiphany and realized I probably just want an secret elopement! Today I feel like my problem with the idea of marriage is that it comes with way, way too much external pressure—and in my case that means pressure from family having their own ideas about how their kids and grandkids ought to live.
Also, I feel like I have a responsibility to be an advocate for new ways of seeing marriage and commitment. Yes, I want to get married, but I want it to be between me, this future woman and God. Too many people have ideas about what “commitment” means, and I don’t want to live with that pressure. I’m imagining being married to someone but secretly...so no one knows we’re married except a few close friends.
That way if we want to experiment (polyamory, having the child[ren] raised communally, etc.) no one will care because they won’t know we were married in the first place...yet, because we ARE married, I will have declared my commitment to her (commitment in a way that makes sense to an ENFP...) so she knows no matter what crazy lifestyle experiments we try and give up I’ll still be with her...
I’m also floating different scenarios never marrying but just getting involved with one person more or less steadily for most of my life. But I don’t honestly think I’d be happy with that...
I do sort of fantasize about “marriage,” but mostly just about the fun things we’d do together, about raising a child...often about how awesome it’ll be to be obsessing over somebody 24/7 and she’ll be OK with it, haha (as opposed to now, when I get in trouble for caring too much ALL THE TIME). I think a lot about how it’ll feel to have someone who knows my deepest desires, my biggest dreams and supports me in all of them; and who pays so much attention to me that she’ll be constantly wondering what I’m thinking, if I’m happy, etc...I think a lot about the emotions themselves too, what it’ll feel like...I think about how every time I’m in a good situation I get a good vibe, so how incredibly GOOD the vibe will be when I’m with that person...