[hoom]

Basic summary of the post: I'm trying to rekindle a friendship (then perhaps go further than that) with an ENFP who recently began to re-express interest in me.

Background (can be skipped but it allow you to better respond):
I go to school with someone I believe to be an ENFP. Last year we began talking more than previously, had quite a few good conversations on AIM and otherwise began to get along quite well; I made quite the effort to come out of my shell, get to know some of her interests, music preferences, and more, as well as to make make a show of my wit in her presence.

So, I made what I believed to be a move.... I asked her to go with me to a movie... and to surprise and joy, she agreed. So, we went, enjoyed ourselves at the cinema and while I thought it was date, I will explain, she did not.

So.... foolish me, thinking that we had gone on a date... I more openly used that terminology in my attempt to go on another..... and that backfired. She said that it wasn't the first time a misconception such as that had happened to her, and suggested that we remain friends, however, I felt awkward, and slowly drifted away.

More Recently:
So, it's been a year-abouts since that happened... and we still chuckle to ourselves bout the things the other says.... I'll refer you to this particular thread: Recognizing the "Flirtation" of an INTJ to cover the basic facets of our relationship in this last year.....

I also have been helping her with our physics homework online for the last few months, though only every now and again.

In the last week or two, we also seem to have noticed each other a little more than usual, and otherwise subtly engaged ourselves in the doings of the other person when we overhear them.

As of Yesterday:
I put up as my GChat status "*Everything* is better in a British accent", and so she started a conversation with me that kept us talking from 10:30 to midnight last night... mostly about Dr. Who, but also about where we're going to college in the Fall, some about Physics and my willingness to help her, and even a bit about MBTI, to get her to take one of the tests (which she suggested she'll take soon and tell me the results). So we spent a good long ol' time talking, using statements, mannerisms and other cues that clearly show we were both rather enthusiastically engaged in the conversation. Despite quite a bit of enthusiasm and an interest to go on, I had a test in the morning and had to eventually run head off to bed, but I left it with: "I've been blowing off studying Calc for the last hour.... so I should go do that.... but this was fun -- need to talk Dr. Who more often :D"



So:

So here comes the question...... what in blazes should I do?!?

Obviously we've only taken the first steps to kindle a relationship, and I'd most certainly prefer a strong friendship to nothing (if you folks believe that more than that is unattainable given the background).... so now I'm wondering.... my being a socially ignorant INTJ... how would you suggest I proceed as to rebuild a bridge of communication between us? We've got one class together, along with the ability to communicate online.... but other than that, visibility is limited. I don't want to come off as a stalker, so I sorta feel like I shouldn't be trying to talk to her online every single day..... but uhh... well... hell... I have no idea what is or isn't warranted at this point.... or any point really. Help !

[Nafatali]

Hmmmm... endeavour to hang out more in person :) that way you can tell where you are at by her body language. Hang out in public places like the mall, that way you can chat in person and you can see what places interest her. If she is an ENFP and comfortable with you then she may take the initiative to get cosy around you – eg touching your arm or hugging good bye etc.
Well... that’s my two cents anyway...

[Btmangan]

Careful, ENFPs give out a lot of false positives. They are very cheery and smiley, and get misinterpreted a lot for romantic intentions. Sometimes, ENFPs get more "down to earth" in order to try to impress someone they like. Look for changes in her behavior. They can be an indication.

I agree with above poster. Definitely hang out with her more... she is definitely intrigued by your Ni. Ni is kinda like crack for ENFPs. (Jk) Anyhow... keep your eyes open... if she's interested in you spend more time with her.

And best of luck to you.

[Filigeedreamer]

My advice is to just try and be a good friend for now, and be weary of a repeat of the sort-of-not-acutually-a-date senario. I have a lot of male friends, and that could easily have happened with me...though usually I have the forethought to go out with my male friends in groups, at least till they get how I work and when I say lets go out...I don't mean out, out.

I find when I really like a person I get less bubbly, and more seriouse. If I am considering them for relationship potentual I will be scoping them out for compatability, asking deeper questions, and showing more of my more potentualy controversial nature. But, with great care...

It's less Dr Who, more "what do you think about capital punishment?" Then I asses the reaction I get for compatibility, why do they think what they do? Are they're core motivations and values similar, even if the anwser would be different to mine? Do they mind I sometimes act as crazy as a barrel of fish?

How do they see life really, and gental exposure to my less pleasent quolities. Much less spontanity, much more...contemplation...I am carful about who I give my affections and who I let see my deeper self. At the same time I can be more relaxed though, not playing or preforming to an audience...people often get me into preformance mode. It's not that isn't me, simply there is MORE to me than that. A much more anylitical mind, a deeper more soulful person, and a more realistic/pragmatic one than I can sometimes present.

My preference is also to some how show my interest, before being asked out or something. I dislike guys jumping the gun, and asking me out when I'm just being friendly...so awkward. If I'm interested, I will try to make it clear, without actually asking them out (once I am sure they are into me, usually). Then they can ask me out, and I will be all "Oh, I thought you'd never ask..." and everyones egos are happly. lol...

BUT this is just me...I think other ENFPs would react similarly, or relate to some of this at least, but I'll see what other ENFP ladies have to add. It would be interesting to see if others do realate to this.

[hoom]

Thanks to everyone thus far, particularly Filigeedreamer! Quite helpful! I'll definitely keep this stuff in mind.

Also, @Filigeedreamer, as an INTJ, I'm obligated to point out that you misspelled assess* and analytical*.


Still interested in more replies if anyone's got anything useful to add :)

[Filigeedreamer]

Thanks to everyone thus far, particularly Fliigeedreamer! Quite helpful! I'll definitely keep this stuff in mind.

Also, @Fliigeeedreamer, as an INTJ, I'm obligated to point out that you misspelled assess* and analytical*.


Still interested in more replies if anyone's got anything useful to add :)

Wow...those were the only two? I'm dyslexic, so that is pretty good for me.

I am obligated to piont out you mispelt, my mispelt name...but in very very tiny writing, so it is like I am whispering, and I don't spoil your INTJ detail spotting cred. Well, not too much.

[MuChApArAdOx]

Careful, ENFPs give out a lot of false positives. They are very cheery and smiley, and get misinterpreted a lot for romantic intentions. Sometimes, ENFPs get more "down to earth" in order to try to impress someone they like. Look for changes in her behavior. They can be an indication.

I agree with above poster. Definitely hang out with her more... she is definitely intrigued by your Ni. Ni is kinda like crack for ENFPs. (Jk) Anyhow... keep your eyes open... if she's interested in you spend more time with her.

And best of luck to you.

I agree with what btmangan is saying. We do give false positives in the eyes of some men. We don't
mean too, and not even aware of this. We're friendly and upbeat, we try to make you feel really comfortable. We may say
really sweet things, and mean it. This sometimes is taken out of context , the other believing we
are romantically interested.

For me if i was interested in more that just friendship, i would want to be in your company as much
as possible, without smothering you..( if that's possible )....i would probably become a little
shyer around you...not as bubbly or cheery. I would become serious, want to know more about
your personally, try to engage in deeper conversations. I would flirt in a much different way . Maybe
slightly touching you , wanting to feel closer to you....I would make a point of finding out what interested
you, where you like to go in your spare time.

ENFP can be really oblivious to signs of interest from men. We need some sort of direct intentions. Almost
like everyone is a friend unless told other wise. It gets really awkward for me when a man is coming
on too strong...i run. The N between you should make the connection become somewhat easier. The most important thing i think is to communicate, understand what is important to each other, if you both
are interested in at least somethings. ( This paring won't share everything of interest )... if the important ones are, she will show you , or in some cases ( me personally ) i would tell you i thought
you were interesting, and would ask you out on a date...but that's just me...i don't believe in rules for
getting to know people on a romantic level....besides, it would be a yes or no answer...i don't believe
in beating around the bush sort of way. Good luck sweetie, hope everything turns out well for you.

[HollywoodK8]

I'm not sure if you're still interested in advice, but boy do we ENFPs love to give it, so I'm going to chime in with mine. :)

I agree with the idea behind the "false positives" statement, though not the sentiment. Never in my life have I pretended to be interested in someone or something when I'm not. The catch is: we are genuinely interested in almost everyone we meet. And we're the bubbliest of bubbly and that can often be misconstrued as romantic interest, even flirting. Because we are touchy-feely people, a casual touch to us can mean something much more to more stoic types. I can't count the number of times some girl has come up to me and yelled at me for flirting with her boyfriend and I'm left thinking, "I haven't flirted with anyone tonight... huh..." Picture the most excited you've ever been about something in your entire life and then multiply it by 5. That is how we feel about any number of things on any given day. From nice weather, to our favorite meal, to going to Disneyland.

If I were the ENFP of your focused pursuit (to be so lucky! ;) ), I would advise you to ask her personal questions, as you've been doing about the music and stuff. Go a little deeper, our morals and values are very dear to us. Most importantly, remember what she says! It's alway hurtful to me when I've told someone something (important) about myself and they don't remember.

Honestly, you're doing all the right things and the fact that you're reaching out shows a level of maturity and the integrity of your pursuit that I find refreshing. I would just caution you to be wary of our enthusiasm because we live in a world where EVERYONE should ALWAYS be hugging! In the future, if you ask her out, make it very clear that it is a date and make it something special. In my opinion, movies aren't the best dates (unless they come after dinner) because you don't get to know someone sitting beside them in the dark.

So, in summation: Just be yourself, be genuine, and make your intentions clear. And good luck! :)

[the crow]

For me if i was interested in more that just friendship, i would want to be in your company as much as possible, without smothering you..( if that's possible )...

Well.
If you ever feel the need to smother somebody, feel free to look me up. ...

"If I could choose a place to die...
It would be in your arms..."
Layla: Eric Clapton.