[chinotto]

I've also been told I'm intimidating, and I never used to see it. Now I think it's just that I hate not being unique and original, even in social conversation. I guess I can see how this could be intimidating, but hey, I'd rather be intimidating than boring!

We have a lot of special talents that others find amazing. I think we are usually admired for our integrity, enthusiasm, creativity, guts, humor, and ESP-like ability to read people.

Relationships have really helped me grow as person and I'd definitely recommend it...hopefully it'll help with that fear of rejection!

I agree big-time. We can learn new things from hanging around other types! Or learn from similar types how they handle themselves. I think we have to try not to take it too seriously, and stay in the present sometimes (in addition to getting all NF in our head!).

We as ENFPs will always be sensitive to other's and born people pleasers. We just need to coax, cultivate, or otherwise give ourselves a kick in the pants to respect ourselves: the respect we deserve as truly caring, and charming individuals.

There's a neat discussion of ENFP functions and people-pleasing in the thread on ENFP and Alcoholism. (An ENTJ did her homework!) It says that when we are not happily grounded in Fi (which to me translates to connecting to meaningful work and relationships - a purpose), we get looped into needed affirmation all the time in order to feel good. I think that when we develop our purpose and accomplishments towards our goals, we develop more of the self-respect Moby talks about! : ) I think we go through cycles (see ENFPs and Depression thread)

Ultimately fear of rejection = fear of failure...you either expect to lose, or else don't think you can cope with losing.

I'm somewhat the same! I have this paralysing fear that I will be rejected which has stopped me from ever really entering a proper relationship, and the kinda sudo-relationship I was in I just spent the time worrying about when I would eventually be rejected.

Fear of failure inhibits me a lot too, and it's also cyclical for me. When I am in a confused/existential crisis mode, I can get very afraid to try new things.

She would often address the weird parts of my personality, my sense of humor that she didn't understand, the way I was completely the opposite of my sister, much like her, as "bizarre" and she made me feel my flights of fantasy, my imagination was weird. (i had friends who did this too) I felt very wounded, but i never attributed her judgmental attitude would at all reflect on the way i would ever grow to be. when i was little, i made a great effort to stop appearing "weird" and fit in.

I think a lot of us go through this. When I first read the ENFP description in college, I thought "I'm not crazy -- I'm an ENFP!!" We struggle so hard to validate the things we value about ourselves. It can be hard to have faith in our strengths when others see us as silly, over-the-top, etc. The longer you live, the better you'll be at maximizing your strengths and balancing them as you develop more discipline, judgment, etc! not to override or replace your special qualities, but to temper them - like learning to play an instrument? The instrument is wonderful, you just have to know how to play. You don't ALWAYS want to bang away at the piano. ; )

[devoid]

A lot of that sounds very familiar, though recently I have been acting more cold and detached than usual. I tend to fear rejection to the point where I expect it, which can make me very pessimistic about people as a whole. I consider myself an optimistic realist, which is to say that I look at most things objectively through logic and open-minded reasoning, yet I try to focus on positive things. Healthy social communication has always been something I greatly desire, but haven't been able to attain.

[sarahe]

I tend to fear rejection to the point where I expect it, which can make me very pessimistic about people as a whole. I consider myself an optimistic realist, which is to say that I look at most things objectively through logic and open-minded reasoning, yet I try to focus on positive things.

I can often be that way too where if i'm unsure or insecure about something and i start to second-guess or doubt myself on something my stress and anxiety for the what-ifs (i love to fantasize about what the possible reactions are to any situation to no end) can lead me to sometimes drain the fun out of things. especially if i'm talking about an event, task, whatever where i'm going to be in front of others that gives others an opportunity to scrutinize or judge, it makes me very nervous and apprehensive. a lot of it relates to my fear or rejection and that i'm always my biggest critic.

and when looking at issues i try to apply logic and reasoning and so can address some issues with a sense of realism. For issues that are not warm or fuzzy topics, death for example, i try to completely separate myself from attaching or indulging in any depressive or sad feelings, but instead look at it from a point of logic where this is something that cannot be changed, and although i'm not looking forward to it, it'll happen. its best not to get too worked about something i have completely no control over. and in that, i apply my optimism, that i should just enjoy life for the here and now.

[devoid]

I can often be that way too where if i'm unsure or insecure about something and i start to second-guess or doubt myself on something my stress and anxiety for the what-ifs (i love to fantasize about what the possible reactions are to any situation to no end) can lead me to sometimes drain the fun out of things. especially if i'm talking about an event, task, whatever where i'm going to be in front of others that gives others an opportunity to scrutinize or judge, it makes me very nervous and apprehensive. a lot of it relates to my fear or rejection and that i'm always my biggest critic.

and when looking at issues i try to apply logic and reasoning and so can address some issues with a sense of realism. For issues that are not warm or fuzzy topics, death for example, i try to completely separate myself from attaching or indulging in any depressive or sad feelings, but instead look at it from a point of logic where this is something that cannot be changed, and although i'm not looking forward to it, it'll happen. its best not to get too worked about something i have completely no control over. and in that, i apply my optimism, that i should just enjoy life for the here and now.

Oh god, I do that way too much! T_T I tend to put off starting something for months because I'm worried I won't finish it, or play out entire phone conversations before I call (only if I'm worried about it though). I finally got over my fear of criticism for the most part though, after I took some college art classes.

[JohnDreamer]

Does anyone have any solutions to this fear of rejection or inability to finishing things? xD Love if there was a quick cure ;D but I have a funny feeling there wont be xD.

[Nidenel]

Wow, that was a very thoughtful post Sarah.

I can really identify with a lot of it, but the part that stood out for me was the thing about hugs. I love hugs, a good hug is amazing, but I don't like hugging every one. It actually causes me social anxiety. For example, I live in Miami, it is not uncommon to hug and kiss some one when you meet them, or when you say good bye. It has always been awkward for me to say good bye or hello to people that I 'kind of know' because I am not sure if they want a hug or something else. There would be times where i do really awkward things because I am not sure what the other person will do. This gets really awkward for me in professional settings as I don't look for those types of connections in professional setting.

It also is annoying because I really don't want people to see me as uptight, because I do not feel like I am, but when I can't say good bye to people. I know people just think I am weird, cold, or (dread) uptight.

I did find the situation much easier in South America, you just kiss every one on the cheek regardless if you know them or not.

Another part of the post I found interesting was thing about relationships. I tend to avoid relationships which was fine, because I wasn't "looking for one." But recently, due to some personal growth, I decided that I would like a relationship. I thought it would be easy to find some one, but 1, I tend to rarely like people in that way, and 2, I have a hard time letting people into my inner world. I think enfps are masters at, flirting, day to day relationships, have meaningful conversation about other people, but when it comes to core things about myself I rarely open up. So at least I am finding it hard to find romance.

I will tell you one thing though, I have been making an attempt to open up more and expose my vulnerable side. It is really awesome. It has made me much more fun and surprisingly happier. The saving grace is that ENFPs love adventure, open up! Risk getting hurt, it is the ultimate adventure.

[sarahe]

Wow, that was a very thoughtful post Sarah.

I can really identify with a lot of it, but the part that stood out for me was the thing about hugs. I love hugs, a good hug is amazing, but I don't like hugging every one. It actually causes me social anxiety.

Okay, that gives me a lot of comfort knowing that there is another enfp out there who gets anxiety out of the whole hug process.

i dont know where it stems from, my mother is a big hugger, my dad not as much. with my family i'm very comfortable, but with friends, acquaintances, and especially people i dont know it freaks me out. i wonder if its my fear of rejection, i have no idea how to initiate a hug.. i'm not sure if it's that i fear the other person will think i'm coming on to strong, be uncomfortable, or reject it or if i also have a fear of intimacy. that i dont really know.

i mean if its obvious a person wants a hug from me, i'll always be happy to awkwardly accept and return it. sometimes someone will put their arms out for me and i dont know whats going on until they awkwardly put their arms down and then realize, oh! and at that point want to give them a hug back saying sorry its not you, it's me but as i said, i'm not an initiator of hugs.

i was actually sitting at home yesterday seriously stewing over this. it really gets to me that i cant be comfortable with this common gesture that others seem to do with ease. ive searched many forums and i dont see much on it at all other than angelina jolie doesnt like hugs either..

[whizdumb]

Thank you so much Sarahe (and to all who how responded) for sharing this. I wish you could have seen me nodding my head to every paragraph. The more and more I read the posts of my fellow ENFPs and the deeper I delve into the journey of myself, the more I can handle this fear of rejection within me. Why you ask? Because it has led to the acceptance of myself. And that to me is the only solution for fear of rejection...Acceptance (self-acceptance).

Before I used to question why I seemed to be so contradictory, so extreme, such a polar dichotomy and in words I used to describe myself to others, "a living paradox" (big ups to Paradox1987..LoL). I guess what I'm getting at is my personality make-up results in what seem to be contradictory expressions ie, the sociable loner, the well-liked outcast, the insecure extrovert, etc. and it honestly made me wonder if I'm bi-polar (the jury's still out on that one…LoL). And that may be the case, but with a newfound perspective (thanks PerC), I see that I may have two magnetic poles pulling at me simultaneously, but it is because of those poles that I can relate to anyone and everyone inbetween. I may fear being rejected, but because I'm so extraverted and adventurous, I will constantly put myself out there and although some people may not smell what I'm cooking, many others will. And true enough, there may not be many people who know my "true self" but what I have realized is that my true self is all of who I am…the self that shows up when I'm with the people I feed off and the self that I hang out with when I'm alone.

I've really taken a look at how I view/treat others and am finally starting to redirect that outward expression inwards to myself because what I provide to others are things I so rarely offer myself. I see the best in others and their potential, yet doubt my capabilities and abilities. I lovingly embrace others when they are at their most vulnerable yet I shy away from showing my vulnerability in fear of not being accepted for our complete selves. I am actively trying to turn those two "poles" into a powerful cooperative force that will propel me forward and attract the greatness that resides within me.

Wow…just typing this whole thing was pretty therapeutic for me…

Lastly, regarding the hugs, sorry, I can't relate. I love me some good hugging. Female, male, animal…squeeze? Yes please!

[Nidenel]

The thing about hugs that I don't like, are when they are fake hugs. I know I am good hugger, I fully commit to it, but I find the ass out hugs or shoulders only hugs so... unauthentic. It bothers me because I think it is awkward for the other person, so then I get awkward because they are awkward..... I hope that makes sense. If I am going to hug is better be hips in full embrace or nothing, I don't want any side hugs!

Sometimes someone will put their arms out for me and i dont know whats going on until they awkwardly put their arms down and then realize, oh! and at that point want to give them a hug back saying sorry its not you, it's me but as i said, i'm not an initiator of hugs.

Haha people have put their arms out to me, and i didn't realize what was going on. So I said, " A high five?! Okay..." Then they look at me like I'm insane. That causes me to relive the moment in my head for the next four days.


As far is initiating hugs I am even weirder! I will hug people randomly sometimes.... Lol it just happens. I guess it would be cool for a girl to do that, but as a guy I get weird reactions from some male friends I haven't seen in a while. Oh well.

[SilverMarLuna]

ok....
I have trust issues, the way i see is, i give enough trust so that people can trust me and feel comfortable with me but i cant seem to trust in others myself.

It seems that I have commitment issues, that can be linked to my trust issues. And I am learning to accept that I am indeed sensitive to what other people say, I was too proud to accept this but i am learning to see it so that I can hopefully learn to work on it.

I am learning to give hugs, they feel good :D and some people just have this amazing big, safe hugs that I just like feeling safe if its even for a few seconds.

I don't belong to any religions. I see myself as a spiritual being and I have my own set of values.

mmm..can't remember anymore lol..I'll come back when I do