Okay. Get ready for a novel. I am going to open up and share a craziness I've had with a fellow ENFP for years. Have any of you heard of something like this? I think it is utterly crazy:
Okay, I have an ENFP male friend. We have been friends for about 15 years. Yes, we started out as boyfriend/girlfriend. But we were only together romantically for like a year and a half. But we were once engaged and he lost his virginity to me on his 21st birthday. And I spoiled the crap out of him when that happened. I kidnapped him and I took him out of town to a coastal village for a dream weekend. The break up was mutual. In fact, we don't even remember what it was about. We just know we make better friends.
We have been friends for eons. To my knowledge there is no current attraction other than friendly. However, I noticed that for every birthday, he still returns to that coastal town where I first took him to pop his cherry. In fact, his parents bought him a bit of property over there and now he returns there on his birthday to spend time. Last year he invited me, but I didn't feel like going. I really couldn't pull away from my life. However, I was inbetween relationships so it would have been okay.
I can talk to him about my dates, boyfriends, and all kinds of garbage. He can do the same in return. If we are both single on holidays or birthdays, we make sure to be each other's date and have a good meal. Actually, he'll spoil me when he takes me out, but that is just so he can remind me of how I deserve to be treated. He hates when I date loser men and give too much of myself. He is constantly trying to remind me of who I am and to not "change" when I date these men who "should' treat me better.
I really want what is best for him on this planet. I don't think I could ever date him romantically again. I thought we were of the same mind in that regard. Because seriously, it would be like getting together with my brother at this point. However, over the years we did hook up on 2 of my birthdays. But I think that was just so I could make sure he wouldn't go out there and get himself into another one of his fucked up relationships with crazy women, just due to horniness. The guy is a serious long-termer and doesn't know how to have anything less than a committed long term relationship. So I tend to worry about him because he has gotten stuck in some fucked up relationships. But regardless, both times we hooked up, I was very adamant on going back to exactly how we behaved with each other the day before.
We can say we love each other (as friends) and he is aware that I love him "cosmically". But seriously, I don't think there is much fire there on my end. He smiles at me in bed like he is REALLY into me. So that kills the fire. So no fire, I just trust him with my life, but "fire" is different.
So this year, I was planning on going somewhere for my birthday. I met a guy and I told my ENFP guy friend about him. And my ENFP guy was skeptical about this person. But it's not like he is ever jealous, he just wishes I would raise my standard and expect more. Anyway, now I've decided I am not into this 3rd person. So I've canceled it. Instead, I've asked my ENFP guy friend if he wants to do something. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm treating him like a "back up", I know. But my ENFP is pretty "up and up". He'll flat out tell me if he feels he is being used. Don't get the wrong idea either. He calls me on my shit ALL THE TIME!! In fact tonight he told me I was "demanding". He said he'll take me out for my bday, but that I need to start planning things. And he told me that he hopes I've learned my lesson about wanting to be with stupid men I don't really know. He then asked me if it was over with that guy and I said "Yeah, you know me. When I decide I don't like something I move on. I don't really think about it." He gave me a very bitter sounding reply "Yeah, I know you do." That comment was laced with bitterness. Like he was saying that I've done something like that to him.
Okay. So I don't understand. I thought we had a deal. Has he actually been hurt by those couple of times we hooked up and I immediately wanted only friendship from him afterwards? Okay, and then there was one time I got back together with an ex afterwards. I remember him making a comment then, too. He said something like "What is it about me that makes you RUN back to other men?" He was laughing when he said it. But you know what they say about "Behind every joke, there is some truth." Anyway, I assured him it wasn't him. And, by always returning to "friend mode", I thought I was doing us a favor. He always said he wanted just friendship, too. Whatever. I can't understand it. Plus we both agreed to stay out of relationships for a while. Just for our personal growth. He encouraged me recently to stay out of a relationship for at least one year. It is soon approaching. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be able to do that, btw. He has remained single too. But he's going on 2 years of being single. Can you believe it? An ENFP going 2 years? I think he is a little bit psycho.
So. I think I hurt him tonight because I called him one of my "girlfriends". I am not sure why I pushed so much. It seems like he was hurt about me being with other guys or something but he is not telling me that directly so it pisses me off. He just teases the crap out of me and makes fun of me more than anyone I've ever met. No seriously, he is a comedian/actor so he can be really rude. You wouldn't believe the type of shit he get away with saying to me.
Also, I'll admit I was a little bit upset he was suddenly so busy. He got really successful in his career recently, and I was joking about how I want my slice of the pie for being supportive all these years. Hahaha! I have no shame.
I always figured if by the time we are 65, and still not with anyone and I no longer care about having "hate sex" with T-types; and when someone finally shoots me with a bazooka gun and sedates me and I no longer care that I've been placed in a straight jacket, we could live together or get married or something. We've joked about this a lot. I consider it a done deal. However, I don't think either of us believe in marriage anymore. And I really don't like that he smiles so much at me when we have been in bed together. It's annoying.
So am I the problem? Wtf? Are we both insane?
Oh yeah, he's like my best friend, too. So it's really not as easy as "let him go". Omg. But maybe I should? Ouch that would hurt me. I think maybe we are both just fucked up with severe abandonment issues. I think we should both get into other relationships again. Maybe I just have too much time to think.
I wish I had the hots for him but I just don't. I remember being crazy in love with him once when I was a girl. We were two stupid over the top romantic ENFPs. But now, I just want to have fun with others. But I can't help feeling like I'm hurting him some how.
Anyway, he treats me like a baby. He makes fun. It's like he doesn't know to worship me or something. Hahaha!
God. Why am I stressing? I totally don't care. I'm such a bitch.
I think I should start dating others again. I've really held back. Maybe that is my problem. I usually don't give this that much thought. I'm thinking too hard. But I have no idea what my ENFP friend really ultimately wants from me. Maybe we both really are on the same page? We both want nothing and everything is actually cool?
Does this belong in the blog section? Naw, I'd rather have ENFPs read this. If you're still reading, thanks. Lol.