[Musikaman]

I'm going to respectfully request that this conversation stay ENFP only. I'm looking for thought processes on ENFPs and their derivatives without outside influence.

Assertion: It's impossible for an ENFP to gain self-confidence. All confidence comes from outside appreciation of any skill or talent we have built. Without outside appreciation anything we think, feel, create, or destroy is dross.



Now, once we have that confidence granted by another whom we trust, respect, or greatly appreciate, it does become integrated into ourselves. I would say that very rarely, once we are granted this confidence from another, do we kill it ourselves. However, someone else whom we trust, respect, or greatly appreciate... especially if we're involved romantically, has the power to remove these confidences from us as well.

Discuss.

[Mirlong]

I don't know if it's impossible for me to gain self confidence, but I'm very sensitive to what other view and think of me. It's something I really hate and wish I could change. I go out of my way to make sure everyone likes me even if I end up putting myself at risk or being someone I'm not by doing so. The better people think of me the better I think of myself, and like you said it only takes one person to destroy that confidence in me and throw me into a rut.

[WMDistraction]

I agree 100%.

I was involved in music all throughout middle school and high school, and I was extremely confident during that period. As I moved onto college, however, I had less reinforcement about what I did and people's opinions on me. I actually became somewhat depressed, but--thankfully--I had the support of my family and friends, and eventually got support from my mom (an ESTJ) to switch majors to English. (Which, come to think of it, is very uncharacteristic of her. Not because she supported me, but that she supported me switching to liberal arts.)

I kind of lost some of that confidence that I had even just a year ago. (I'm going to be a sophomore this coming school year.) However, I kind of do think it's for the best. Figuratively speaking, I now look both ways before crossing the street. I now know that I must evaluate my actions before executing on them, and that every day's a learning experience.

In high school, I was never challenged. I took, in total, 5 AP classes, and I breezed through all of them. I even got top 5 in my class of ~270 without studying, or even paying attention, to be honest. The only thing I ever practiced was my music and, even then, it was only to try and get State-level Honors band for Ohio. My instruments came naturally enough that district-level competition was a joke (I often got 1st chair with minimal practice.), but I never did get into state. I had all of this constant outside affirmation, and it seemed like I could get it from the drop of a hat. As far as I could tell, nothing could stand in my way, and I didn't really even have to try that hard to do so.

Clearly, I was wrong. Computer Science was not at all the Major for me. The systems, though consistent, seemed utterly arbitrary, and the working environment seemed to be a hellish landscape of cubicles and desk space, topped off with even more arbitrary, and less understandable, business programming conventions that, if disobeyed, could cost you your job. I could see myself purposely disobeying these conventions to code "my own way" because I simply cannot obey rules that have no purpose or meaning.

Data Structures & Algorithms rolled around, and the class showed me that my mind was not cut out for this sort of work. Nodes made sense graphically, but implementing our graphical solution into code was completely foreign. I tried to understand it, but I couldn't, and this happened many times in just two short months. I went from being the guy who could instantly absorb any and all information, to someone whose head was probably made of some sort of anti-information material.

After I dropped CompSci, my confidence plummeted. I was afraid to move into English because I wasn't sure that that was what I wanted. Fortunately, I have a friend who teaches English through TFA, which is an option I'm considering. I didn't even talk to him directly. Instead, on Facebook, I saw him post a picture of the markerboard he uses, saying, "Thank you, Mr. Mitteer!" I knew, instantly, that's the sort of thing I want to do. I want to help people in a small, yet profound, way, and possibly get gratification in return that you just can't get sitting at a desk all day.

After shadowing a high school teacher for a little bit, I decided--with the support of my mom--to go ahead and make the switch. I haven't looked forward to school this much since I first started high school. :)

[kaycee]

I don't like to say anything is impossible, but I find it extremely difficult (actually, haven't been able to yet) find confidence from within. I'm happy when people are happy with me and at the slightest indication they are upset, I assume it is with me and suddenly I feel like the worst person in the world.

I think I was happier as a kid and early teen cause my parents were the ones I was looking to for approval and they always gave it to me. Once I got to 16 or so and friends and boy became more important, I never felt good enough for them and if I didn't get constant validation and praise (which no one, particularly 16-year-olds are capable of giving).

[pinkrasputin]

I think confidence can only be found from within. When you're young, everyone needs supportive people around. And young or old, it is always healthier to keep supportive people around who don't break you down and who believe in your abilities.

However, part of the process of mid-life transition and how well you do has to do with resolving the issues of needing others to build your confidence. This is something that if isn't worked out in your teen years, you will revisit again during a mid-life crisis. It is at some point one has to realize they are not dependent on what others think about them that they can truly move forward and way from this crisis.

Time and time again you hear of people at some point in their life buying the expensive sport car, breaking off the marriage and having affairs with someone way younger. This is due to them still caring what everyone else thinks. But when someone finally resolves that the only opinion that matters is their own and that they are ONLY going to live for themselves, they will find peace and harmony.

Setting yourself up to need others for your confidence or approval can make a person a target for a mid-life crisis.

Relationships don't define you, what other's think of you doesn't define you. Staying true to yourself and living a life according to your own path and choices will bring you peace. If your path is to share your life with someone, that is beautiful. But ideally a relationship should consist of two strong independent pillars. Not two people who "need" and co-dependently rely on each other so that you go further into an insecure dark hole. Don't give a relationship that much power to "build yourself up". If you had high enough self esteem, you wouldn't need to be "built". The other person is not responsible for building you up, they merely stand by you, live independently and support you. And hopefully you have a whole network of support in place other than a relationship.

I really don't think this has to do with personality types. However, I do know some other types which tend to be a bit more self sufficient when they are younger. But I believe all should learn to do the things that helps them build confidence on their own. Don't get me wrong-no man is an island. Supportive people and mentors can help get you there. But they serve merely as "coaches".

My accomplishments help me to build my confidence and self esteem more than another person could. I am very proud of myself when I achieve the things I wanted to achieve. It also lets me know I can do anything I set my mind to. And when people go away, I am sad. But it doesn't destroy me.

[Musikaman]

Yeah, I more or less knew what your response to this would be, Pink. I respectfully, and fully, disagree.

Normally I wouldn't state that specifically, but I think it's important in this case.

[kaycee]

I think confidence can only be found from within. When you're young, everyone needs supportive people around. And young or old, it is always healthier to keep supportive people around who don't break you down and who believe in your abilities.

However, part of the process of mid-life transition and how well you do has to do with resolving the issues of needing others to build your confidence. This is something that if isn't worked out in your teen years, you will revisit again during a mid-life crisis. It is at some point one has to realize they are not dependent on what others think about them that they can truly move forward and way from this crisis.

Time and time again you hear of people at some point in their life buying the expensive sport car, breaking off the marriage and having affairs with someone way younger. This is due to them still caring what everyone else thinks. But when someone finally resolves that the only opinion that matters is their own and that they are ONLY going to live for themselves, they will find peace and harmony.

Setting yourself up to need others for your confidence or approval can make a person a target for a mid-life crisis.

Relationships don't define you, what other's think of you doesn't define you. Staying true to yourself and living a life according to your own path and choices will bring you peace. If your path is to share your life with someone, that is beautiful. But ideally a relationship should consist of two strong independent pillars. Not two people who "need" and co-dependently rely on each other so that you go further into an insecure dark hole. Don't give a relationship that much power to "build yourself up". If you had high enough self esteem, you wouldn't need to be "built". The other person is not responsible for building you up, they merely stand by you, live independently and support you. And hopefully you have a whole network of support in place other than a relationship.

I really don't think this has to do with personality types. However, I do know some other types which tend to be a bit more self sufficient when they are younger. But I believe all should learn to do the things that helps them build confidence on their own. Don't get me wrong-no man is an island. Supportive people and mentors can help get you there. But they serve merely as "coaches".

My accomplishments help me to build my confidence and self esteem more than another person could. I am very proud of myself when I achieve the things I wanted to achieve. It also lets me know I can do anything I set my mind to. And when people go away, I am sad. But it doesn't destroy me.

I always enjoy reading your posts because I feel like you are a place in your life that I truly wish I could be. You seem well adjusted and level-headed.

Just wanted to tell you that

[Kitten]

I think sometimes the conflict some ENFPs might go through when they actually do succeed in gaining self-confidence just from themselves alone, is that they might begin to question themselves about it - they may wonder about hidden motives, and heck, they may even feel like they're being selfish for feeling confident in themselves, as if they're complimenting themselves or something like that. =\

I wouldn't say that I can ONLY gain confidence from others outside of myself, but I can certainly relate to gaining a lot of it from others I'm close with. :3 Maybe it's from knowing I've accomplished something not just from the view from my own personal looking glass, but also that it can be seen as an accomplishment from the other shades of looking glasses out there.. as if it were some sort of affirmation that's it's not just my lone opinion.

And yet.. I find that the TRUE confidence that really sticks with me the longest and hardest is the confidence I'm able to get from just myself. Because I trust myself, and I know I won't lie to myself. :3 But this type of confidence happens much less than the confidence gained from others. But I think it's very important to have some self-confidence if you want to be mentally healthy. (..Not to the point of being egotistical, though! )

And also.. I find it's easier to make others feel more confident in themselves if you have at least some confidence in yourself first. Hard to support a crumbling pillar with another crumbling pillar.

[pinkrasputin]

I always enjoy reading your posts because I feel like you are a place in your life that I truly wish I could be. You seem well adjusted and level-headed.

Just wanted to tell you that

Thank you Kaycee. I am just merely sharing as I go along in life. And I really appreciate you and your honesty in your posts.

One of the most important things that I've realized is that we are most often what we believe ourselves to be.

[Kitten]

One of the most important things that I've realized is that we are most often what we believe ourselves to be.

..My "thanks" on your post goes towards this last sentence here. These are some very wise words... I'll make sure to always remember them. :3

But I imagine it's also slightly scary for those who have low self-confidence because they believe themselves to be something horrible.. >.>;;