[Zaria]

Today I was thinking about something that happens to me all the time and I wonder if other ENFP's on here recognize that. Or that others have had these experiences with ENFP's too.

When I was younger I always had tuns of friends and the silly thing was that loads of these people repeatedly shouted: 'OMG!!! We're so much alike!!!'. After some time I started thinking: 'My freakin' God, this isn't healthy. Everybody thinks he or she is just like me, that can't be true'. Especially since I often deep down inside didn't agree with those people about a LOT of things. I wondered for a loooong time what it is what makes people say that 'we're so much alike' and this morning it just struck me.

Maybe I relate too much to people. Maybe I find myself too often saying:
'Hmmm, oh yes... Hmmm. Yeah, I can totally understand you feel that way!'
Because I want to help them or give them the feeling they're worthwile or something like that. But when I am totally honest with myself, about 80% of the time I think: 'You're talking total crap.'
But of course I will never say that, just go figure people should think I'm evil or something like that. I do think there's a good side to inspiring people and make them feel good about themselves, but there need to be some boundaries. I should try not to be a total cameleon, sometimes people just need to know that they're being stupid. And I should also not try to see total negative people, they're really a waste of my energy, since I'm working twice as hard to get their negativity away, untill they're at the point that they hysterically start screaming: 'Oh, you and me! You understand me so well! We're so much alike!.
Sigh...



Yeez, I think I just found out why some people think I'm their best friend while I'm most definitely not.

Does this sound familiar to any of you?

[slowriot]

To say "oh you're just like me" is generally a way of trying to connect with other people through ones own insecurities hoping they will say "yes thats so true".

I generally say "no we're not the same" or just ignore them leave it hanging in the air for them to get it themselves.

[Zaria]

To say "oh you're just like me" is generally a way of trying to connect with other people through ones own insecurities hoping they will say "yes thats so true".

I generally say "no we're not the same" or just ignore them leave it hanging in the air for them to get it themselves.

Well, okay... I didn't think about it that way... that's actually true. I'm a pretty confident person, so probably I attract those kind of people.

I think that's a great reply, I should just try that. Ignoring them is no option, because before I know I have them around twice a week, because they think I'm their best friend. And seriously, you don't want to know how often that happened with them eventually finding out that I'm quite different with all the crap that normally surrounds such a discovery.

[snail]

I get that sometimes too, especially with types that are only one letter off of me. People will either think I am completely crazy, or they will think that I am the only person in the world who really understands them because "we're just alike!" My INFJ friend felt that way at first, until I started making a point of revealing our differences by saying things like "well, we may be mostly alike, but you're a strong leader and I'm a strong follower; you like routine and I prefer to be as spontaneous as possible; you deal with stress by creating more work and organizing your surroundings, while I deal with it by avoiding my responsibilities and allowing my surroundings to fall into chaos, etc." If the list gets long enough, the person eventually realizes that we aren't alike, but can usually appreciate that we don't have to be alike to get along and understand each other.

Right now I'm working on revealing to my boss that her "OMG, you're just like ME!" thing isn't quite accurate. She's a bubbly extravert who wears loud colors and has a loud voice, speaks her mind, reveals her emotions easily, and is constantly coming up with about a million things to do all at once. I think she is probably an ENFJ because Fe is clearly her dominant process, and her Ni seems well-developed. When I finally give her "the talk" I will probably point out the fact that I like to focus on one task at a time, doing only what is necessary to complete a non-creative but required task instead of trying to make it complicated or 'interesting' by making more work to do for no apparent reason; require quiet time alone; and have trouble expressing some of the things that I feel. If there is one major difference that has the potential to create disharmony in the relationship, it is in how we prioritize and use our time. She thinks that if I am given any time without multiple projects going on simultaneously, I will get bored. In truth, I don't get bored as long as I am doing something that allows me to focus on my own thoughts while I am working on it. Sometimes she gives me so many things to complete that I am uncomfortably busy stressing out over trying to please her and am unable to recover adequately between overstimulating experiences. Instead of maintaining the optimum level of stimulation, I become overwhelmed and don't get enough time inside of my own head to process the stress. She'll figure it out eventually, because I plan to point out some of our most important differences very soon if I can get a word in edgewise.

I think the reason she thinks we are "just alike" has to do with the N preference. She's able to read people easily , says she sees their auras, and has actually known what I was thinking a couple of times without my having to tell her. I can't do that, but I am open-minded about it. I've been around too many people with Ni in my life not to believe that they sometimes have special and inexplicable gifts relating to how they gather information.

[Dr. Metallic]

Zaria: Yes, I see what you mean. The ENFPs that I have known are very relatable.

[slowriot]

I have to say one thing though. One of my irl friends are infp and we relate somewhat well with eachother. Not completely because he's that weird combo of being extraverted when needed and enjoying it plus being a loner that goes his own ways. I wouldn't say "he's just like me" though because his approach is so differently. But when we talk we understand those underlying things that might not be said.

Maybe people dont have that big of an understanding of their own personality and thats why they think other people are like them. Plus the insecurity issue

[Ungweliante]

OMG Zaria!!!! We're so much alike!!! :D

Seriously now...

...I can totally relate to that. And I feel ridiculous about answering in this way, because of the original topic :) However, I have found myself in those situations a lot of times, honestly.

The totally negative people can be a real drain to you and I have tried to adopt a way of thinking that they are not allowed to take my energy away. I can't turn them to someone else permanently, but they have to win over their negativeness by themselves. And I bet some people could think that I'm selfish because of this as well :)

The fact is, I don't have energy for nearly all of the people I know all the time. I have to regulate it. For my good and for the good of others.

[Zaria]

OMG Zaria!!!! We're so much alike!!! :D

Seriously now...

...I can totally relate to that. And I feel ridiculous about answering in this way, because of the original topic :) However, I have found myself in those situations a lot of times, honestly.

The totally negative people can be a real drain to you and I have tried to adopt a way of thinking that they are not allowed to take my energy away. I can't turn them to someone else permanently, but they have to win over their negativeness by themselves. And I bet some people could think that I'm selfish because of this as well :)

The fact is, I don't have energy for nearly all of the people I know all the time. I have to regulate it. For my good and for the good of others.

Your first sentence really made me laugh out loud.
And I don't think you're selfish for not wanting to put up with the negative crap all the time, I feel exactly the same, right now I'm working on just telling people that they shouldn't nag so much, because it's annoying. If they want to nag, I suggest they nag to the wall or to the toilet or to whatever they want, but not to me! I need my energy for other, more important things.

Thanks for replying all, this really is quite helpful, all these different points of view and experiences!

[cryptonia]

Well I'm certainly not like that... but you really do sound a lot like my ENFP friend. When I first met him, I could never imagine the kid complaining about anything. Then, after I got to know him for a while, he started sort of "testing the waters" by bringing up things that would bother him about people sometimes, and chuckling afterwards or making sure that about 90% of how he said it carried the "but it's no big deal" connotation (you guys are excellent at that). It took over a year of being quite good friends before I started to realize that he really didn't seem to like people very much until they were around him, and actually let himself openly show sadness or depression. At the same time, I still really don't think he's being insincere or anything... but it's like his mind/conscience/instincts just won't let him be anything but as-relatable-to-as-possible whenever he's talking to anyone. I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if everyone he's ever wanted to (and probably a good number of people who he hasn't) have thought that they were a lot like him.

That said: the best cure I can think of is to look around the crowded room for those people who are either scanning the room watching people (without talking to them), slipping from group to group without saying anything so that they can briefly hear what the topic of conversation is, muttering to themseslves at a whisper's level, or sitting off somewhere looking at a wall or outside the window with their eyes glazed over for extended periods of time. Those are probably your INTPs--little oasis's for NFs who are sick of other peoples' bullshit . I'd warn you not to act like they can tell you anything, however, in case you accidentally pick a psycho who'll dump their life's problems on you and bring you down with their constant negativity..... but if you get a marginally healthy one, I've been told that the highly social ExFx's (er... not ESFPs, but I dunno if it's because I don't know any, or they find me boring) can find us quite a refreshing change.


edit: also...

And I don't think you're selfish for not wanting to put up with the negative crap all the time, I feel exactly the same

you're doing it again

[mcgooglian]

That said: the best cure I can think of is to look around the crowded room for those people who are either scanning the room watching people (without talking to them), slipping from group to group without saying anything so that they can briefly hear what the topic of conversation is, muttering to themseslves at a whisper's level, or sitting off somewhere looking at a wall or outside the window with their eyes glazed over for extended periods of time. Those are probably your INTPs--little oasis's for NFs who are sick of other peoples' bullshit .

It may also be me, I do that all the time (except for the muttering part).