Dating the ENFP

halah · 01-18-2010, 05:35 AM

Ok, I'm confused.

2 months ago my ENFP bf broke up with me, giving me various of reasons, the main one being, he simply wanted to 'be single'.

I was having some issues before we broke up, because we started our relationship around drugs and so as I quit, 2/3's of our relationship was spent 'recovering' from the drug taking, meaning depression, anxiety for both of us but me mainly being the one that carried the heavier load of the depression.

He is the one that asked me out and adored me like hell, spending almost every second with each other as we could.

So be broke up with me 2 months ago, and I spent that two months overseas, recovering from the break up and going to a psychologist and during that time I recovered quite well, even though I was a mess over the relationship for a majority of my vacation.

So I came back last week, not even expecting anything from him, trying to get used to the idea of being friends, since I'm really good friends with his twin brother. I went over his place to say hello and I guess I've gone through some changes, like losing weight, becoming more happy, like I was when he was first interested in me and I guess I've recovered 100% from the mess I got myself into.

So anyways, after meeting them briefly and watching a movie together, the next night his brother invites me over that night and before leaving, to get to their place, my ex tells me that he wonders whether he has made a mistake by breaking up with me and all I said was 'all is not lost, let's just enjoy ourselves and get to know each other better' and so when I went to their place, he was quite concerned for me, watching out for me since I had drank too much and he made sure that I was ok, etc.

The next morning, at 8 am, he rings, telling me that he wants to hang out and so i go over to his and as we're lying on his bed, he tells me that he can't deny that he still does like me and that the previous night, he was thinking about things and that he hasn't met someone like me, whom he gets along with so well, who he can relate to and that he wanted to give things another shot, but I probably wasn't interested. I told him I was and then he said then he asked me if I'd like to give our relationship another shot and I agreed and he said that he wanted to take things slow.

We came to an unspoken agreement, that we wouldn't tell everyone that we were dating again until things settled down (as he said it).

So I've been hanging out with him and things feel good, we're both much calmer and now we're both past our mental issues.

Only thing that is bothering me is that over the past 2 months, he has become quite independent and I don't mind, but it feels as if he doesn't want to see me as much as he wanted to before and I understand that he needs space because us spending so much time together previously, was over the top, but it's driving me crazy because I can't quite tell whether he really likes me but just wants his space, or this space is a hint that perhaps he doesn't really care for me.

I'm supporting his wish, like leaving his house when I don't really want to leave, just so he doesn't feel suffocated.

One thing I've noticed is that our sex life is much better than it was, he's more emotionally intimate, but I don't know if that's just me looking into things way too much.

Our relationship feels much healthier, but from an ENFP perspective, I just want to know what you think about this?

You like your space, but even with your space, how can another tell if you really like them? How do you show it?

Is he into me? Any advice or similar stories?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

spring · 01-18-2010, 09:33 PM

Well, I mean if your primary question is whether or not he actually cares about you... First of all, you could ask him. It's much better than all my experience or thoughts can give you. I don't see why he wouldn't address it. :)

I'd also say that perhaps in the previous relationship you two probably had too much emotional baggage and that he wanted to "be free" from all of that. Us ENFPs do enjoy being independent quite a bit. I also think we're more likely to be the type to either avoid addressing problems or removing ourselves from them. In every relationship I've been in, when I became too close to the other, I start becoming detached in order to recenter myself. In my mind, a healthy relationship would probably be emotionally intimate but also "free" enough so I could be independent. So based on just this perspective, he probably does like you but wants to test the waters to see if problems will reoccur, and wants to be more independent because relationships to us are healthier that way in general.

I'd also say that if he did not like you, he would not have asked you out again. Typically for me when relationships are over, they are over. So what he did is a good sign for you. Then again, these are just my thoughts and responses from your ENFP will be much more accurate, to say the least...

RoseT · 06-30-2010, 04:02 AM

He cant let go of the bad relationship because he thinks he can fix it and feels guilty that he contributed to your psychological issues.

But hey at least youve managed to hang onto your self esteem and give him sex whenever he feels like it.

This is what Id call 'The Long Goodbye' .. sorry :(

vel · 06-30-2010, 04:58 AM

I had a similar relationship with an ENTP with well-developed feeler function. We met through work and spend a few years together. After graduation I was having some personal issues mostly related to starting off career and some issues in near family that greatly affected me. During this time he broke up with me, then dated a ton of girls, had a few 2-3 month long relationships all of which he ended up breaking, came back after a while crying that he still loves me and such. So we decided to get back together again. Second time around he was acting more removed in relationship. But our sex life also spiked through the roof. It was as if the emotional intimacy was disintegrating and we were trying to make it up via sex. I started having crushes on other guys. Deep down inside I have never forgiven him the first break-up, that when I was having problems he ran off chasing that greener grass somewhere out there. He suddenly agreed to take up a job on the other side of the globe, and so we separated again. He still says he loves me, while I decided to firmly cement him in the friends section of my mind. So I agree this is just an extended good-bye. For INFJ it is best not to restart relationships because once our trust is broken it is very difficult for us to give it back - and second round is thus never the same. Once somebody starts yo-yoing like this you just know you cannot depend on them in future, especially if life brings around some tough times.

RoseT · 06-30-2010, 02:45 PM

*nods understandingly*

Or you can sleep with his brother, Hell Id even chuck in a fake pregnancy for good measure just to keep his heart rate up ..

Yeah... *ponderous pose* yeah ..