Personality Cafe banner

INFP and ENFP - can we ever communicate effectively?

[ENFP] 
2K views 11 replies 7 participants last post by  suishka 
#1 ·
I think I have posted on here before regarding my bf, but I suppose this is a bit more general than just him, so here goes.

(Background stuff you don’t need to read)
I have been with my ENFP boyfriend for almost a year. The whole of this time has been long distance, with us meeting almost once a month. Right from the beginning he was crazy about me, and moved a lot faster than I wanted to. Before we had even met he wanted to marry me and was sure I was the one. Despite my better judgement I got caught up in his fantasy and went along with it. I fell in love with him and that love has only gotten stronger.

However, ever since we met we have never really been happy. We constantly have misunderstandings over simple things, and i get upset and start crying or he gets angry at me. We then talk it out like grownups and make up but this hasn’t gotten any better over time. It’s not really gotten worse either but it it taking its toll on the relationship and I feel like we’re both just exhausted with it. Despite us talking openly about this problem however neither of us feel like we can give up on the relationship. Maybe he feels too guilty to dump me and I love him too much to break up with him. So we’re a bit stuck.

(Actual question)
Why do I have such trouble communicating with ENFPs? I thought that being so similar we would really understand where we are coming from. But sometimes things the one says really upset the other, and we are baffled as to how they got upset. I am 100% my typing is correct, we’ve both done the test and the types match us perfectly. Before I was with him I had a male ENFP best friend, who I loved very dearly. I made a mistake that hurt him and I was very sorry for, and after that he completely cut me out of his life. Leading up to that we had had a few misunderstandings where we each couldn’t tell if the other person was joking. I am very attracted to ENFPs and they seem to be to me too (although it’s so hard to tell because you guys tend to be interested in everyone) but I feel like I am developing a pattern where once we get close we just start to hurt each other. I recently met a younger ENFP guy who is really keen to be friends but I just can’t go through this again so I told him I didn’t want to see him, which really hurt to have to do because he seemed so nice. Do other INFPs and ENFPs have this problem? I really want to know what we are doing wrong and if it is possible to have a close relationship at all.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
I can't really say with the lack of detail. The only thing that can really be extracted from your explanation is that his behaviour might be linked to some more general trait that made him ask for marriage early on with a person whom he doesn't even live close to. I don't want to judge this case specifically, and there are certainly great cases of early marriage, but it might show a lack of restraint. Such a lack can cause people to not think their messages through and, in my experience, correlates with bad listening skills.

Lack of restraint can be incredibly charming and wonderful in a new and endorphin-bathed relationship, especially since love and commitment are expressed so early and untamed, but is a major problem in long relationships.

But I'm just guessing from what you said. I'm sure there's much more to it. I haven't read your other posts on the subject.
 
  • Like
Reactions: strawberryLola
#3 ·
Well, I can honestly say that I am not sure if this is type related. However, I do still have a few potential solutions if you'd like to give them a shot.

1. Expect the best.

If you expect that he is joking, or expect that he means well then you will cut out a lot of the anger, sadness, and frustration of miscommunication. He is your significant freaking other after all. The chances of him spontaneously deciding that he wants to say something mean and hurtful are slim to none.

2. Develop a joking code.

It could be as simple as, "Code *insert joke here." Just something to give a heads up that hey, this is a joke.

3. Ask for clarification before jumping to conclusions.

Why assume the worst when you can find out exactly what just happened? All you need to do here is ask "What do you mean by that?" and your SO will understand that you don't understand.
 
#4 ·
It seems as if you need to learn to turn down your Fi a bit, even though it's your dominant function, and not take everything your ENFP says seriously. Because we rarely say anything seriously, we leave that to our distant cousin the ENTJs. When he says something, you need to take it with a pinch of salt.

Also your ENFP sounds like he does love you dearly, but his brash attitude is taking a toll on your Fi. Simply put, don't take everything he says so seriously, so you don't get hurt, and laugh it off a little. But don't take everything he says as a joke either, until he's grinning or he sounds sarcastic in tone.

But all in all, take your time with him. Ask him if he can take his time with you as you may be a bit sensitive on certain issues. But that's what I'm reading and I could be completely off..
 
#5 ·
That dom Fi is really easy to trigger if you misspeak, and I seem to be a lot more independent and freedom-oriented that I tend to feel constricted when my INFP sister is trying to develop a deeper bond with me. I kinda feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her as to not offend her, like the other day I was teasing her very mildly through heavy sarcasm and she instantly was like "well I don't know what I'm doing here if you're going to be mean" and I'm like whoa, wtf, she technically wasn't even the butt of the joke. I was only able to save the situation because I quickly said that wasn't my intent and then I explained how it was really making fun of myself and not her. Usually those situations end with her getting very upset but by some miracle I was able to save it this time.

For my case, those are the biggest things we'd need to change to work better. She has to learn to respect my independence and understand nothing I say is ever with malicious intent, and I guess I might have to figure out how to get around her sensitivities without being turned off by all the energy it takes to be doing that. In my situation I'm kinda doubtful it'll happen.
 
#6 ·
Thanks for your input guys. I think my Fi is a very big problem for me in life in general. I have a few INFP friends who are much better adjusted than I am and are a lot calmer. Put it down to a traumatic childhood, but I can switch moods at lightning speed and I never realised how much of a problem it can be until I got with my current boyfriend. My INTJ ex used to just shut up and take it, poor guy.

The teasing is a bit of a problem for me. It seems like nothing is off limits for ENFPs when it comes to teasing. My bf even used to tease about my break up with my ex who cheated on me, which I felt at first is very insensitive, but I have gotten used to this as his method of making bad situations lighter but looking at the funny side. The problem is I don't always know when he is teasing.


I seem to be a lot more independent and freedom-oriented that I tend to feel constricted when my INFP sister is trying to develop a deeper bond with me.
I find this a strange contradiction in ENFPs. My boyfriend was super smothering at first, to the point it got too much and upset me sometimes, but mostly I loved it because it made me feel really loved. But now he's stopped with that as I guess happens when a relationship isn't new any more, but he feels smothered by me even though I am pretty much at the same level of smotheringness I was ever at. Which is a lot less than is initial level!! Do ENFPs like to be smothering but not like it when it's directed back at them?
 
#8 ·
"Will we ever be able to communicate effectively?" short answer, probably not, if you haven't been able to so far. You can both adapt and grow together, possibly.

I'm an ENFP and my relationship to communication is .... interesting.

I have a lot of INFPs and INFJs in my life and they're utterly adorable, but they do need to lighten up a bit. Even for their own sake. I keep the INFP ones at arm's length because I feel like they're too highly strung, too easily hurt or offended, too people-pleasing, and that they subconsciously expect people to walk on eggshells around them. I've never had a terrible experience with an INFP, I can just tell all these things about them from our ongoing aquaintance together. Obviously there is loads that I adore about them too.

There would be challenges in any relationship type pairing but I kinda think that two intuitive feeling perceivers together is a bit of a molotov cocktail, prone to outbursts of emotional reactions to misunderstandings like you're describing. I do much better with someone with at least a J somewhere. ENFP and INFP are both liable to fly off the handle at any provocation, whether that manifests as passive aggression, withdrawal, or throwing an egg at the wall in fury. But people with more S or J aren't. My guy is INTJ and he's incredibly emotionally stable, he has excellent personal resilience and if I start jumping up and down about something, he simply doesn't play the drama game. He doesn't take things personally and he has awesome self contained personal power and processing skills. If there were two people like me in the same relationship it would be passionate, amazing, then utterly chaotic and it would explode then fizzle out.
 
#9 ·
Well that's depressing, but thank you :p My ex is an INTJ so I know what you mean about them. I used to lose my shit a lot with him and he didn't react to it, but that's not to say he wasn't bothered by it. The only difference in this relationship is that my bf gives back what he gets, and I kinda appreciate that in a funny way. I think it has made me realise some dark truths about myself. I never realised how much of a cow I could be before. Also, when I would be mad at my INTJ I always felt fully justified because he never gave a counter argument or made me feel guilty for it, so each time I became slightly more resentful towards him which led to the wearing down of all my trust and respect for him. But when my ENFP reacts to me it keeps me in check and we talk out our arguments so I always fully understand his side and I am never left with a feeling of anger towards him. I just value him so much. Maybe that sounds strange, and I do miss the stability of my INTJ and SJ exes, but if I can just manage to dial back the frequency of outbursts between me and my ENFP then I think this relationship has the best long-term potential. Of course he might be fed up and ready to leave me by now:frustrating:
 
#10 ·
Yeah, I get it. Love your insights about INTJ's, you've put it into words beautifully. It's the shutting down, freezing out thing in INTJ that erodes my respect and attachment.

Just know that there's only so much arguing and distress and conflict an ENFP can cope with. Our hearts can't really hack it. Harmony is VITAL to us, and conflicts hurt us for a long time. They get under our skin and don't leave, and really undermine our self esteem. This pattern continuing puts you at risk of him withdrawing and not being able to explain why.

ENFPs don't have a strong ego or sense of self because we see everything from everyone's point of view. So even as his is explaining his point of view, he's doubting its absolute truth. Being constantly in and out of warzones with someone we are supposed to be in love with, will drain the vitality, brightness, presence and color from this guy you love. If you actually like who he is, give him the experience of being accepted by you.

At heart we are children. We just want to play. We want everyone to have the freedom to be themselves, we want everyone to shine at full force, we want to enjoy you and experiment with life and we want everyone to feel safe and accepted.

INFP is probably the same as far as not really being able to withstand constant unecessary dramas and arguments. I have never been super close to an INFP because I know this is what would happen between us: we'd feel really closely bonded then cut each other to the quick about stupid things.

So while I get that you perceive you're experiencing personal growth from all this drama, and that maybe you respect and like the drama, it frankly sounds toxic to me, for both of you. I hope I can be blunt here without offending you.

One really cool and fun breakthrough I've had recently has been to realize that I don't have to believe all my thoughts and feelings. On top of that, all my thoughts and feelings are not ME. They're not my identity. I don't have to leap into action on behalf of a transient objection I take to something. What do I really achieve by trying to dictate to my lover what he says, when, and how he says it? That is absolutely not love. It's control. When I'm doing that to people I'm not interested in seeing or being with them, I'm throwing a whole heap of illusion at them. It's the mind. The mind can be such a dick. We blame our partners for our own gaping insecurities that they didn't cause and can't fix.

If you value him, stop this process in its tracks. Get aware, notice, pay attention, see within yourself when you're about to create an argument about a joke of his, and just stop it. Or check with yourself if it might be a misunderstanding before blurting it out at him. Work out what you think you're gaining from doing this, and see where or how else you can gain it. I'd say he'll follow suit.
 
#11 ·
If you value him, stop this process in its tracks. Get aware, notice, pay attention, see within yourself when you're about to create an argument about a joke of his, and just stop it. Or check with yourself if it might be a misunderstanding before blurting it out at him. Work out what you think you're gaining from doing this, and see where or how else you can gain it. I'd say he'll follow suit.
Sorry for the late reply, I just want to thank you for your advice. I think we are both aware the relationship can't last like this, and it is hurting both of us. I am trying very hard, as I think he is too, to adjust to the way the other person acts but there's only so much we can do. I think I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I might lose him, which breaks my heart. He's the first person I've ever really wanted to marry. But I guess neither one of us is able to live up to who the other person wants us to be :(
 
#12 ·
Hello there! I'm an enfp and my bf is Infp and we live together for 2 years. Sometimes we have same situtation like yours.not all the time or not often, but just sometimes it happens to us too.I always thought Infp people are ready for drama everytime. Little or big, if he misunderstands me,he will directly judge and defend himself. Sometimes I do the same :) We just noticed that thing earlier, and tryin to not to take seriously everything. We try listen each other more carefully, and try to understand correctly.

I hope you guys figured it out. I believe Enfp & Infp are awesome match for each other. Both are empath, caring and lovable. and many thins are common, like we grew up together or something :)

:)))
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top