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ENFPs in Long Distance Relationships?

[ENFP] 
8K views 10 replies 11 participants last post by  nam 
#1 ·
How do ENFPs tend to do in LDRs? With your charming and curious personalities, what steps need to be taken to ensure that the ENFP remains involved and connected with their long-distance partner? How do ENFPs like to connect in a long distance relationship?
 
#2 · (Edited)
Well, speaking from experience, my first true relationship ended up being over the internet. This was many years ago back when I was... I believe 14? I'm 23 now. For me, the distance didn't matter. All that mattered to me was getting to talk to her and spend time with her. We talked for hours almost every single day. As we grew closer, we started to talk on the phone and have Skype video calls.

In my case, years later, I still wouldn't mind the prospect of having a long distance relationship again. Sure we both often thought about the day when we could be with each other in real life, and how special that day would be, but what always mattered the most to me was how our personalities seemingly meshed perfectly and how she made me felt then. It was worth waiting all the time in the world.

One hugely important thing for me in my case was knowing that I was always cared for and that nothing was between us. That constant reassurance seemed to come naturally, and for me, it meant the world to know that. I've always been good at reading people. If I get the feeling that someone else is no longer as invested as I am, I ponder it. And that has made me unsure and a little anxious if something might have changed. Just be sure it's understood you do need your alone time. And while you may not want to talk about everything on your mind, allowing us to reassure you makes us feel very happy that you trusted us with such delicate thoughts and just as happy that we could make you feel better. That's always brought me even closer to someone.

Depending on the ENFP, they may be incredibly creative and may need their own separate time for ther creative hobbies or maybe just to be alone too. I, myself am quite introverted even though I've come to discover I'm still by all means an ENFP. It's important to give them space too if you sense that. It doesn't mean we care any less about you or our relationship. It just means that sometimes, we need some off-time too. I think you probably understand what I mean.

As for things to make it more enjoyable?... Hmmmm.... Personally, if it were me (which I mean... that's the only experience I've been talking from so far :laughing:)... I love watching a movie online with someone. To me, it's a way to bond over something you both like and can actively share. Both people pressing play at the same time watching it while in a Skype call (just audio) and talking about it as if you're actually almost both there next to each other. I love that so much.

Interestingly enough, the first relationship I had was met through Runescape. A great amount of the time we spent together at first was on Runescape. We had avatars that could move and represent us and we could travel places together, explore and actually "see" each other through these characters we played as. And maybe it's odd, but it was almost like the next best thing to actually being with each other. I think that was a large part of what also made up for us not truly being side by side -- getting to experience things together while not actually being together.

I didn't realize it then, but looking back on those days long gone, things like these are what made that relationship so special.
 
#4 ·
As another data point, I've been in a LDR for ~4 to 5 years. Before beginning, I thought it was worth a shot and appealed to this idealistic part of me. It was pretty brutal for the first two years though I don't fault that to long distance. It took a while for the girlfriend to open up fully, for us to learn to communicate better, and for us to understand each other as we're quite different people - and I think that would've happened without the distance.
 
#5 ·
It only works if the other person wants to communicate as often with the ENFP, as the ENFP wants to communicate with them.

I have had to warn friends in the past to keep in contact with me (at LEAST once a week, preferably every day), or I drift away from them emotionally. Semi-frequent contact is the only thing that keeps me anchored to them.
 
#6 ·
For me personally I could never start a LDR without having met or be with the person IRL first. On top of that I have to know that there will be an end goal - either I move to where my partner lives or vice versa. I can't "go with the flow" when it comes to long distance relationships, I have to be sure that i'm not wasting my time and things are going somewhere eventually.

In terms of maintaining a LDR, I haven't been in one but i would assume i would treat it the same way i treat my long distance friendships. I'd try to maintain contact with them through video chat and phonecalls and occasionally go visit them when i can. As long as the other person is willing to put in the same amount of effort as me, i don't see why a LDR wouldn't work. I'm still SUPER close to my friends who don't live in the same area as me anymore and i've been long distancing with some of them for nearly 4 years now.
 
#7 ·
I think that @Hearts And Dreams put it really well, essentially in how such a relationship works or can work. It is all about the commitment and sacrifices you are willing to make to one another, how much the love, romance, connection is worth it between the two.

This takes a great deal of effort, trust and dedication to sustain. It can be greatly fulfilling just as any other relationship, with often more perspectives towards the future maybe (wanting to be physically together on a more absolute basis instead of having a long-distance forever). I was in a long-distance for over 2 years and it was very fulfilling and worth it, yet demanding.

Daily communication is preferable and I need a great deal of reassurance of the other, so that I know where they stand and what is going on inside of them (though as I have learned, this is no guarantee either for having true communication and for avoiding growing apart).

I relate to the skype calls and video-watching together on distance. But it all begs the question: Would I want to do it again? I would be inclined to say no, but everyone knows that when you meet that significant individual that steals and charms your heart, it will be hard to refuse just because it is long-distance. Of course it is far from ideal and I envision a relationship close to home, but you never know how things work out.
 
#8 ·
From 16personalities.com:

Long-distance relationships are quite common among ENFPs, as they view physical distance as just another idea, no match for concepts like love. This gives them the chance to demonstrate their commitment, both by staying true despite the physical separation, and with overtures of effort to surprise their partners, crossing that distance on a whim. These are demonstrations of ENFPs’ mystery, idealism and deep emotion, and such efforts often keep the flames of a relationship burning bright.


I've had some experience with LDRs. As long as there was regular contact, I was happy, not tempted to stray, etc. We ENFPs love words so a relationship that was 90% emails, phone calls, texts and letters felt fulfilling and romantic. Also, as we tend to be future-oriented, looking forward to the next visit punctuated by the passionate short term times together can be super hot. Also, seeing my beau, say, two weekends/month allowed me lots of free time for my own hobbies, friends, downtime.

Some negatives? We ENFPs can be romantic dreamers so it can be easy to overlook real life concerns like I'm messy and you're a neat-freak when living far apart. Also, what's the end goal? Will one of you eventually move to the other's home, or will you both move away together and how will this work (visas, immigration, taxes, citizenship, etc)? I did long distance with an Entp and an Infp and in neither case did we NPs have a clear grasp of Next Steps, which led to confusion and eventual disintegration when the time came for us to try to build more of an integrated life, together.

Overall I'd say sure, try long distance because true, deep, healthy love is rare enough it's worth chasing... but know it has its drawbacks.
 
#9 ·
I'm currently in an LDR and it's tough in some ways but also easier in others. It's tough because I am a very touchy feely person, I show and prefer to receive love through touch. Also, in the difficult times, the lack of physical presence is crushing because those are the moments when you just need your partner THERE to comfort you. Those times when words don't have to be said. But that is all you can do in LDR's, talk things out.

On the flip side, since I am ENFP, LDRs are beneficial because I tend to get bored with a person if I am around them 24/7, I need a little space and then when we reunite I go crazy loool. Also helllooo, it's more exciting just to hear their voice and you tend to appreciate the little things more in an LDR.

To connect in an LDR, I think it's important that you show interest in what they are saying, but also allow them to jump around from topic to topic as they do. They love to talk so let them, but also show them that you are listening.

It's funny because, I am currently with an INFJ and it's muuuch better to call than text. IDK WHY but his texts are more dull and it seems like I am overflowing with excitement and caps loool. But once I hear his voice and his reactions, I definitely feel closer to him and he starts to get out of his shell a bit.

What me and my partner do is set up days where we are freee and either watch a movie together (through Rabbit) or we occasionally game together. He is definitely more hardcore than me lloll. And then we talk on the phone until he falls asleep (time difference).

Lastly, I think overall, an ENFP just needs a companion, someone to open up to and completely be themselves with. We love great conversation and the sense of closeness. So open up and just talk, get to know eachother better. Even the most random conversations can make an ENFP happy, trust me loool. It's more about the engagement/excitement than the content.
 
#10 ·

Never been in one, but I think I could do just as well with an LDR as with a physically present relationship. To me, there's something deep and strong about a relationship that's long distance. A comfort that I could know we were together because we really fit, not because we just shared some proximity.

Constant contact is essential, as many others have said. If not, an ENFP will get bored and will drift away to better, more fulfilling prospects.

It would feel better to me to have physically met the person at least once.

You have to be willing to dish about your life. There are only so many theoretical and intellectual topics we can discuss before I begin to feel like you're some college professor of mine. I want to know who your friends are - not just their names but how you describe them, what you think of them. I want to know what happened during your day, especially if something made you upset or happy or struck you as funny. I want to know so much that I can gossip about people that I've never even seen with you.

For me personally, I'm terrible at conversing over text or through email. I feel like so much of my personality is lost when you remove my voice or my body language. Skype and phone are the ways to go.

I like to know another person is invested in me and our relationship. I'd love if the other person sent me super personalized letters or packages in the mail with little drawings or writings or something.
 
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