[daphne lily]

I am an ESTJ, and I really struggle with a coworker ENFP. She is always so emotional. (I am obviously straight forward) She takes everything personally. Can't make a decision at work, and always tries to seem to be the martyr. She is so "Woe is Me". She spends a great deal of her time trying to get people to like her, versus just doing her work.
How can I learn to get along better with her? I feel I walk on egg shells all day long! We have to work closely together, and I really have a hard time with this. I am willing to make changes, but I don't know if she is.

[pinkrasputin]

I am an ESTJ, and I really struggle with a coworker ENFP. She is always so emotional. (I am obviously straight forward) She takes everything personally. Can't make a decision at work, and always tries to seem to be the martyr. She is so "Woe is Me". She spends a great deal of her time trying to get people to like her, versus just doing her work.
How can I learn to get along better with her? I feel I walk on egg shells all day long! We have to work closely together, and I really have a hard time with this. I am willing to make changes, but I don't know if she is.

Do you know for sure she is an ENFP? The martyr thing isn't quite "clicking" with me. However the rest of what you said "can't make a decision" and "getting people to like her instead of doing her work". Wow! Very true. I have the priviledge of my daughter also being an ENFP so I'm reminded everyday of what we're like in our most immature form. My incredibly gifted daughter is about to flunk out of 7th grade because apparently schools just a great place meet friends and socialize for 8 hours. No concept that work has to be done. Being "liked" and connecting to others is like a drug for her. More so than for other kids. I'm about to homeschool her.

I teach a lot and I once had an ESTJ as a student. It was VERY hard for me. He was an older man who kept trying to take control. But we eventually made some break throughs.

Here is what I advise. When you need to correct or ask something of the ENFP, always try the compliment approach first, then give the critic. I realize you don't need this as much when people are telling you things, but your ENFP co-worker will. So for instance say she didn't make a deadline or she sitting there stuck on making a decision about a project, you can say "I like (or am fascinated) by the energy you bring to this project. Perhaps your perfectionism is causing you not make the dead line. Next time just end it leave it where it is and turn it in on time."

You can also help your ENFP with finalizing a decision. Most of my J friends do that for me. When they notice I'm stuck over what to do, they just go "Okay we're just going to do this." And I usually go along because I'm still stuck in my head making up my mind. And if it's over something trivial like where to eat, that's no big deal anyway. We can sometimes get stuck making a decision because we are considering all the factors and making everyone involved happy.

If you have to be just flat out direct with a need or concern, which I believe is the main way you communicate make sure to follow or start with "this is not personal, you understand?" Even if it's obvious, just keep saying it.

If you are in a position of authority, try moving this person into a place where they deal with random people. You will see them shine. Their gift of welcoming others and connecting to others can really help any business. Also, if your stuck and can't come up with an idea or project-enlist the ENFP's help. We're great at starting projects and implementing them-but at some point you'll probably have to step in and say "it's good enough-let me have it" or just take over. Try to give her mind the freedom to explore and come up with ideas.

Whenever she pisses you completely off, I'm sure she knows it. You don't have to even say anything. We're very sensitive to people who don't like us or are irritated by us. You probably should just remove yourself and stay separated while heated. I flat out quit my student because he got too flared up.

Then he came back and changed his attitude a little. He was a little softer. We notice facial expressions, the tone of your voice, tension in your body......all that stuff we read and can take it very personally when we feel we are the cause.

So I guess what I'm saying is, if you can't change (and no one should completely change for another) just distance yourself as much as possible.

When you are around this person, phrase things in a calm way. Say "it's not personal, it's just that it might be more affective if you........because then we'll get it done and we both can go home."

Go ahead and make the decision if you sense they're stuck.

Oh yeah, and if you notice this person is overworking to make people like her, you can just say with a smile "You know people really like you". That is sooooo important to us and a big compliment. It might also get her to settle down once she has that reassurance.

I have been a little frightened of ESTJs in the past. So just know if you coat your words a little differently I think you guys may build a bridge.

You are awesome for trying to figure this all out. It gives me hope

[pinkrasputin]

Oh and one more thing. If you notice anything, ANYTHING where the ENFP makes a decision or is focused on her work instead of people pleasing, NOTICE it and compliment it. Say something like, "you're good at making decisions". It will build. Trust me.

[Lilsnowy]

Pinkrasputin gives great advice. but I also question the 'woe is me' martyr element. That's unusual in a ENFP unless she is under exteme ongoing stress. Or depressed? Or in the wrong job? But there are tons of variations in personalities so who knows.

I've always been able to work hard and talk at the same time without compormising my work, but I know that's not always the cace, especially if you're younger. I'm curious what kind of work she is doing, if you can tell us? Are you both doing the same kind? Usually ENFPs are likable and have to draw lines when people want to talk to us at work. She may be immature and need to grow in this area. But it seems to me, we work better around other people, if everyone is working. We thrive on variety.

Please take no offense as I ask this, but are you very easily irritated? Even if you are a calm ESTJ, she's probably intuitively sensitive to your tension or displeasure. She may feel disliked or feel looked down on, even without your overt irritation. Is she your subordinate? She might be going back and forth in her mind, worried that she won't do the right thing no matter what she does. If she is an ENFP, the advice about approaching her with a positive and then offering the negative is good. We thrive on affirmation and appreciatian. It isn't a selfish ego boost; it's a need for us that other types think is stupid. We will give more and try harder than anyone if you are sincerely affirming of our good qualities.

Also, people-related responsibilities or handling a variety of tasks as they come could be areas of giftedness for her.

If she does terrible work, her boss needs to confront her. Maybe you can be the encourager in that event. Saying something like, "Can I show you a way I found that really makes this easier?" might appeal to her. But if she starts whining (again, very unsual in a ENFP) you can always tell her you like to stay posiive so "let's not focus on the negatives." Otherwise, the, 'It's nothing personal; we just work differently" , or "see things differently " approach might be the best route. She's probably very intelligent, but something's making it hard for her to shine right now. It could be her or it could be some other factor.

Sometimes ESTJs and ENFPs rub each other the wrong way and need to have a minimum of contact. It sounds like you are trying to respect differences in perspective and methods but there might be unknown factors. It might be worth it to you to observe her for a few more days (or a week or so) to gather whatever understanding you can, looking for strengths too. Then maybe talk to her away from everyone else in a non-threatening way. Your desire for a good working relationship will probably appeal to her. But try to affirm what you can. Even if it's something someone else told you they like about her. Please let us know how it's going.