Quote:
Originally Posted by alizée  ADVICE to make encounters like this more smooth:
for ENFP: try exercising keeping those snippets to yourself on a temporary memory that is easy to access when it's your turn of the conversation. Employ the thinking process, the relating process inwards with Introverted types. When it's ur turn to talk, talk solutions and conclusions, if the listener isnt convinced u can then ask them if they need to hear a story as to where ur getting ur great hunch about this.
for person talking to ENFP: keep in mind that the ENFP is only trying to help you, and this process of relating events is what makes the ENFP the amazing problem solver who sees solutions that couldn't be present without such diversity of thought. |
*sigh* The ENFP I married is so self-absorbed... When I need him to NOT think about himself, guess what he does? Thinks entirely about himself... This backfires the most when I have a problem which he thinks he has to entangle his ego into, I get mad at him because this has nothing to do with him and he's distorting the issue, so he tries to make me feel guilty, reflect the blame right back at me, say I have to apologize because now I've disrespected him, then take it back -no, no, you don't have to apologize I know you won't (now he's insulting me implying I was the one who even did something wrong, when obviously I won't apologize because there is nothing to apologize for)- and then say "Never mind all of that, I just want you to acknowledge my feelings."
WTF? I remind him, "This was never about YOU or your feelings", you self-absorbed little shit! -_- He does it ALL THE TIME. I'm so sick of it.
When the issue is about a problem I'm having, he also thinks it's ok to talk about it as if it's a problem that WE are having, as if somehow now he just can't depersonalize a single thing I have said. He can't even depersonalize my feelings of frustration or anger, he immediately reacts as if I'm mad at HIM and will find any way he can to make it look like somehow I'm indicating that it's his fault when I clearly said it wasn't or never even mentioned blame at all. I'll remind him that he hasn't even ASKED why I did a certain thing, he's just assumed he already knows (perceiving people ain't that bright... all perceptions need to be verified or dis-proven by asking questions to confirm reality). He will try several times to try to make me feel guilty but then play innocent as if that wasn't his intent at all. Again, so he can make me the bad guy. As if I'll completely stop being angry just so I can pat his cute little head and Mommy will make it all better! I'm sowwy you feel sho bad, awww! =( <---- NOT!
It's even worse when we're talking about his feelings and he insists on blaming me for how he feels as if he is not accountable for the thought process he just subjected himself to when I wasn't even around. Thoughts and feelings HE HAS he blames me for! So when he wants to talk about his thoughts and feelings regarding me, he INSISTS on talking to me about it (no, not to a friend or a counselor -unbiased 3rd party- nope, that's just too non-confrontational for him) while completely not even trying to speak neutrally to me, ex:
"When you do _____ YOU HURT ME!" <--- is WRONG.
"When you do _____ I feel hurt, because ______" <-- is CORRECT!
Because I'm sick of being emotionally assaulted, I tell him this is exactly what a counselor would ask of him in rephrasing his feeling sentences, to which he immediately says "Don't patronize me! Don't you tell me what some person who's far more educated than you would supposedly tell me!" like the ignorant, oblivious, self-absorbed jerk he is.
He keeps doing it the wrong way and what result does he expect?? A good one? That's not gonna happen! Well the result he gets from doing it the wrong way is that I get on the defensive, I get pissed, because something that has nothing to do with my action or inaction he is immediately blaming me for instead of looking at himself to acknowledge his own feelings of just why he reacted that way. I get angry. He takes no accountability whatsoever for his mentality, as he would rather blindly fire missiles at me. The whole evening I have not once fired a missile at him, yet he hasn't even stopped to defuse his sentences. Every sentence that he utters is loaded, loaded I tell you! Not once does he shut the @%# up to think through what he's going to say before blurting it out! I haven't pointed a finger at him once, yet he feels the need to paint a bright red target on my face- then get all emo on me when I take this provocation quite personally, still refusing to restructure his approach to be less argumentative and more thoughtfully productive.
He then follows up with, "You don't want me to have any feelings about this, you want me to just absorb yours, suck it up and deal with it" to which I have to tell him to not put sh!t words into my mouth which I never said, yet he feels it's OK to directly contradict words I actually have said, which are: "STOP ABSORBING MY EMOTIONS! They are mine, NOT YOURS!" I also respond with, "You have every right to your feelings, what you don't have a right to do is imply that your feelings are ALL MY FAULT and then act like I have no say in the matter!" In the conversations that began with me having a problem- I once again remind him that this whole issue started from MY feelings, not his.
>___<
WTH is it with unhealthy ENFPs self-destructing on a regular basis then blaming others for it? Always making things about themselves? When I stop to talk to him about his feelings it always goes so much better when it's not about me, but then he doesn't talk to anyone BUT me when it IS about me. GRRRRR! If you want me to learn more about your ENFPness, I do that while listening to YOU talk about your problems, not while you listen to me talk. I've made positive concessions for this ENFP and yet he doesn't want to make any completely helpful, 100% positive, mutually healthy concessions for me!
I just want someone to listen to me when I have an emotional problem, just listen! I don't need an acknowledgment beyond eye contact or instead of that the occasional question, I am not fishing for the ENFP to provide a solution, I don't need the ENFP to make judgments as if you have a strong "J" function, I just want you to #$#$^@& listen!!! INTJ solve things for themselves, all we need from anybody is for you to listen, because once we've verbalized something for ourselves we can make much better sense of it. If you see us talking to ourselves it's because we've become lunatics from no one else understanding how to listen to us BUT OURSELVES!
When I'm actually trying to solve a problem that ISN'T involving my emotions, or involves other people's emotions- that's entirely different. Do ya think Dr. House wants to hear your life story when he relates a problem he has to you? NO! Feel free to ask him a question to prompt his brain to turn the cogwheels in a productive direction: YES that's acceptable!
When my emotions ARE involved- I won't tell this ENFP how I feel with the motive of wanting him to solve that sh!t, I don't need him to tell me "Oh yeah it's like ____" I tell him because I know, intuitively, he already understands as he has the emotions with which to comprehend me. I don't want the ENFP to try to employ logic, I just want a damn
hug! A
funny joke!
Is that so much to ask for?? I'm being emotional here with this person, holy shit, an INTJ being emotional! I can rationalize just fine on my own, what I want from you -the ENFP- is to
GIVE ME A HUG! MAKE ME LAUGH! D:<
Sh!t, if I had a problem I actually wanted someone else to help me analyze logically, I'd ask my INTJ father, NOT YOU.
Why do I say this here? Because like I said, I can't say anything even remotely negative to the ENFP... I know better than to not take my own advice when it comes to not talking to the person I have a problem with, especially when there's an ENFP involved *shudder* It has always backfired with my mother, too. From past experience I KNOW he will completely derail the conversation, and I just know when it comes time for couples counseling he's gonna be an ass about even going. For some reason he thinks I'M the only one who has to get counseled. Yeah, like I'm the only person with problems... For how self-involved the ENFP is I seriously don't get why they don't see the stupid crap they do... Even when I do point it out, even if in a positive manner, with him it just turns into an emo pity party session of "I'm not good enough". God. So damn unproductive and self-defeatist.
Edit: I really love this castle too, it's my favorite, visually...... but I've never been to it D:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zaria |
Quote:
Originally Posted by alizée i definately would !!!
a castle inhabited by 2 ENFPs   |
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