[kami]

This may not sound like a problem at all, but believe me, it can be.

I love people. All kinds of people. I very rarely dislike someone, and usually just cannot grasp how other people can manage to be annoyed with so many different people.



This also means that from time to time, I end up liking people of the opposite sex. Sometimes too much. And being the open person that I am, they often end up liking me back. How do other ENFJs deal with this in connection with long-term relationships? I have a boyfriend at home that I love - and I know that I do - but yet, I keep finding exciting, fascinating men, and sometimes I find myself being a little too fascinated, in the wrong way. How do you control this, how do you get rid of those feelings?

I try to think, there is nothing wrong with liking people - but I think at some point, yet, I believe that there is, not to mention how scared I am of doing more if I end up drunk with the wrong (or right?) person at the wrong time. And it seems impossible to completely avoid the situation. I would love to hear other ENFJ's (or others') opinions on this!

[OrangeAppled]

I would like to hear ENFJs comment on this also. I tend to really like ENFJ men, but I notice they get very close to their female friends and seem to accumulate what I cynically call a "fan club" of female admirers, and I admit I would be concerned about that if I were in a relationship with one....

I know ENFJs deny being flirts, and I believe you have mostly good intentions, but as you say, you all seem to have such a genuine interest in people that you cannot help but be drawn to them and to draw people to you. That can make for some serious temptation though....

[kami]

I would not deny being a flirt -- this is how I communicate with people, even the ones I have absolutely no attraction towards -- we are talking old women and cats here, too. But the flirting very rarely means something romantic. I would even say I do not how to do it on purpose. But I think you are right in that there is some temptation. I would say that as long as I am sober or as long as there are other people around, I am fine, but that is not something you always have. Of course I could just not drink. I am considering that. But I would rather just learn to deal with the feelings.

[Shadow1980]

I'm an ENFJ and I don't have any issues with infidelity. I could see how if you were pre-disposed to infidelity and had our friendly personality you could encounter lots of temptation, but I do not share this issue...

My issue is more people misinterpretting my love of them as me wanting to get romantically involved with them when I do not. I literally have ducked 5 kisses in my life. lol

I hate to say this but I'd guess that maybe your boyfriend is not the right one? If you find the right one, it can be easier. If not, you should try to find someone that is cool with open relationships. Maybe you are meant to love multiple people?

[kami]

But Shadow1980, does that mean you are never even attracted to other people when you are in a long-term relationship? How long-term are we speaking about now? I think that never being attracted to others is something very rare. My problem is, this happens a lot, and with most people it stops once I get to know them. I am attracted to brains, not bodies, thank god.

If it was something wrong with the relationship, then that would "easy" to fix. But I've been true to this guy for years, steering out every time these situations came. But they still came.

I think the problem is me, not him. And I have to do something about it.

[Shadow1980]

No, it doesn't mean I am not attracted to other people. For me, I can think someone is attractive and stop myself at that thought by thinking about how wonderful my partner is..I am not willing to settle into a relationship unless I think my partner can satisfy all of my needs. I'm perfectly happy being single. I also value my partner and it's important to me that I respect the relationship. But that is just me. I know everyone is different.

I am attracted to brains more then looks also.

[kami]

Shadow1980, thanks for trying. I must be coming across as quite awful in this thread, which is also how I feel right now.

But I don't think my problem is with respect for the relationship. If I didn't respect it, then I wouldn't feel bad about being attracted to others. Thinking about my boyfriend can keep me from doing something I shouldn't, but it does not keep me from feeling something I shouldn't, and if I get too excited I'm scared I'll forget to think in time.

I'd love to hear other ENFJs experiences though! I don't really want to start out on the assumption that I'm just with the wrong boyfriend. I think that I need to get better at separating my feelings, so that I can like and be friends with attractive guys without being too attracted.

[Shadow1980]

No, you aren't coming across as awful. I am not similar, but that in no way makes you awful. I was just trying to explain that my values and my love of brains vs. looks is kind of a natrual shield protecting me from similar issues. I wasn't meaning to say you don't have values or whatever. I don't know you. I am assuming nothing about you. Promise. :)

Honestly, I've discovered that I can't be friends with guys. Guys seem to interpret nice to mean I want you and you will get in these tempting situations. I've never cheated but like I said in my first post, I have literally ducked roughly 5 kisses in my life. Perhaps this is truly our difference? I've realized it's impossible to have guy friends and given up. LOL

[remer]

This may not sound like a problem at all, but believe me, it can be.

I love people. All kinds of people. I very rarely dislike someone, and usually just cannot grasp how other people can manage to be annoyed with so many different people.

This also means that from time to time, I end up liking people of the opposite sex. Sometimes too much. And being the open person that I am, they often end up liking me back. How do other ENFJs deal with this in connection with long-term relationships? I have a boyfriend at home that I love - and I know that I do - but yet, I keep finding exciting, fascinating men, and sometimes I find myself being a little too fascinated, in the wrong way. How do you control this, how do you get rid of those feelings?

I try to think, there is nothing wrong with liking people - but I think at some point, yet, I believe that there is, not to mention how scared I am of doing more if I end up drunk with the wrong (or right?) person at the wrong time. And it seems impossible to completely avoid the situation. I would love to hear other ENFJ's (or others') opinions on this!

I believe you.

Have you ever immersed yourself in the subject of polyamory - 'many love' ? You might be able to have it work for you and especially your partner, together you can setup the boundaries in which you both feel comfortable.

The defining characteristic of polyamory is belief in the possibility of, and value of, multiple romantic loving relationships carried out "with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned."[3] What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger and more fundamental.[4]

People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, a polyamorous lifestyle may be single or in monogamous relationships, but are often involved in multiple long term relationships such as a triad, quad, or intimate network.

In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized. Ideally they are built upon values of trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compersion, as well as rejection of jealousy, possessiveness, and restrictive cultural standards.[5] Such relationships are often more fluid than the traditional "dating-and-marriage" model of long-term relationships, and the participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have preconceptions as to its duration.

Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous relationships commonly consist of groups of more than two people seeking to build a long-term future together on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationship.

[thehigher]

Yea....have you tried just not putting yourself in those situations where you would be likely to stray? I mean...everyone is attracted to different people....I am for sure....but like what shadow was saying....thinking about how awesome your partner is can help.....but you reallllly have to be in love like crazy with your partner to not think of straying every once in awhile....it's natural. So yea....I don't think it's bad that your mind strays ..or heart ...whatever :p. But what DOES matter is the things you do to stop it. Do you get drunk? Do you go to wild parties? If you do ...then what DO you do to prevent a mistake. I know the emotions are hard to hold back .....

...I'm thinking....maybe using your introverted intuition may help you. ENFJ=Fe Ni Se Te. So maybe if you decided to introvert a perceive your actions and the causes of them....you might be able to come to a satisfactory conclusion.

Hope that helped :). Don't feel bad though. It's only natural for a human to feel such things...especially with someone who has such overwhelming love for everyone.