[Vynn]

I'm an ENFJ female, and I've done many tests from different websites to confirm this fact.
I've been searching high & low for websites that might contain information on ENFJ + ENFJ, but have yet to find anything, except for the extract from varies websites that indicates that it is highly possible for ENFJ + ENFJ to get together.

I'm so struck that I'm hoping someone or anyone at all, please HELP!
Any form of advise is very much appreciated! Please bare with me through this long story.

I'm going to be as honest and detailed as possible. Please don't be too hard on me.

5 weeks ago, I met this ENFJ guy through my ex-boyfriend. He is my ex-boyfriend's bestfriend. The ENFJ guy had just broken up with his relationship of 4years, and started hanging out with me & my ex-boyfriend. Back then, I was still currently in the relationship with my ex-boyfriend, which had been slowly falling apart during the last 5 months or so. We had been quarreling a lot more. But the main problem for me was that my ex-boyfriend always had this nonchalant attitude despite how exasperated I was, putting my whole heart & soul into trying to resolve the issue amicably. Very often he would just shrugged it off, or resolve by shouting in anger. Which I usually won't pursue any further when that happens, as my ex-boyfriend tends to get a little violent with all the shoving & pulling, and even throwing his stuff, if I ever tried to walk away from a scene.

What had been adding fuel to the flames, was how much I felt I was taken for granted. What changed for me was that I realize that I've had spent the last 2 years 2 months with a guy I felt I could never take first place in his heart. There were countless times where he was out with me, and his friends would call. And he would run off to meet them for a basketball game. He expects me to understand, or tag along to the ball game. Honestly, I have never minded watching him play ball. And I've been to quite a number of his matches throughout the 2 years. However, during a date? We often had a lot of squabbles and quarrels over situations regarding his friends.

I grew to understand him through the years, and accepted him more. But it just got worse, when he started to make decisions for me. Expected me to be available even without asking, got mad when he found out that I wasn't free. The list goes on. Of cos, I admit. Things weren't always so bad. There were times that he was nice in his ways. But I've spent more time crying than anything else in the last 2years plus.

I'd like to make it clear, that I'm not trying to sound unappreciative. My ex-boyfriend was the sweetest to me when he woo-ed me. But after he got me, everything changed for me within the first 3 months of our relationship. Till now, I cannot comprehend how a man can be so drastically different before and after. Why I held on? It was because every time something really bad happened, and when I felt I could muster the courage to pack up and leave. He says all the right things in the world, does the sweetest things. So, I always ended up falling back into it. And the cycle went on for 2 years plus.

Back to the main story, I met that ENFJ male 5weeks back. He was often caught between me & my ex-boyfriend's squabbles. I was really mad at my ex-boyfriend, as I've told him so many times not to quarrel with me in front of others, and that our problems are ours to handle and should be done behind close doors. So that we would not implicate others in our situation, or make others feel uncomfortable. But he does it all the same. * sadness

The ENFJ guy often would try and soften the tension of the situation by making my ex-boyfriend laugh. And as time went by, he even told us directly that he felt very awkward being caught in situations like this. There were times that he had played the 'middle' man, trying to make peace between us. At first, when he first did that, I was boiling inside. But after listening I realize that he was actually analyzing the situation and was sincerely speaking from each side's point of view. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. That was my first impression of that ENFJ guy.

It was very intense back then, everything happened so quickly that short period of time. We had our first actual conversation when my ex-boyfriend was late during the meeting and forgot to inform us. That was when the ENFJ guy first shared about his sadness & pain about his precious relationship. In turn, I shared mine. We became great friends in a short measurable of time, we were both surprise how deep our conversations went. And we found understanding in each other.



Believe it or not. My ex-boyfriend was aware of all this, as I've always been open about this kind of thing with my ex-boyfriend so he feels secure with me. I've always let him know openly, who and what its roughly about. But usually don't divulge too much details as I don't want to betray people's trust, people who chose to confide in me.

For the very first time, in my life. I was so swept away by how deep we could relate. However, you have my word that nothing happened at all. We remained close friends. Until that day when I shared with him about how thankful I am to have met a friend such as him, and how I felt we could relate. He agreed, and after staying silent for quite sometime over the phone. He told me that if I was not attached, he was pretty sure that I would be the girl for him. But because I am attached, and on top of that, to his bestie. He made it clear there and then, that nothing would happen and that he would make sure of it. He had also openly told my ex-boyfriend back then that he would want to look for a girlfriend like me, but not me, in the near future.

We talked less privately after that. He told me clearly that he felt it was for the best. We still hung out after that, the 3 of us. Until, one time when me & my ex-boyfriend quarreled really badly. And my ex-boyfriend was so close to throwing stuff after banging the table. Thank GOD, the ENFJ guy was there. He convinced my ex-boyfriend to calm down. What were we quarreling about? It was about my ex-boyfriend wanting to sign yet another phone line to get iphone. But I was strongly against it, as he has already 2 existing lines and so I didn't think it was practical. I told him to wait till the end of the year when he could renew his line and get it without signing another line.

Things got really ugly, the things that came out of my ex-boyfriend's mouth were like blades that cut. So much so that I cried on the spot. I tried to make it as minimum as possible to not cause a scene, but tears just kept coming. My ex-boyfriend just stormed off after that. The ENFJ guy apologized to me even though it wasn't his fault, as he felt so helpless. And then after a long pause, he told me straight in the face, that if he could he would want to just take me and leave the place. But he also said he could not do that. As I'm his bestie's girl. But he said he felt helpless that he could only watch by the side, and watch me cry. I looked up only to find him close to tears, and we said nothing to each other while he called my ex-boyfriend and convinced him to come back.

After that incident, the ENFJ guy was never the same. He tried hard to keep his distance. His actions were often confusing, as one day he might be chatting with me warmly. Next day, he might not even want to talk to me. I was so confused. We continued to hang out in a group. Until one night, that night everything seemed fine. He said he'll talk to me another time, etc. After that, I never heard from him again. He never answered his calls or texts. As far as I knew of, he didn't contact his bestie as well.

After that, my problems in my relationship persisted to a point that a called a cool off, and expressed my desire to not continue. And have not been talking to my ex-boyfriend ever since. I've met up with him, and told my ex-boyfriend as explicit as possible what went wrong with the relationship, and that I felt I had finally reached my limit. Especially after realizing after so long, that I could never be more important than his friends. Of cos, he didn't take that lying down. He tried to contact me, left my messages that would have swayed me in the past. He left messages saying that he's confidant he would not fail me again. That the man he is now, is different from the man he used to be for the last 2 years. That he wouldn't make me cry again, he told me that 2yrs of sadness for 60years of happiness starting from this moment on. Told me to stop my nonsense, and return.

I've not been in contact with my ex-boyfriend, or the ENFJ guy ever since. What I want to know is that, will I ever hear from the ENFJ guy again after he did that disappearing act? It isn't very nice when people just disappear without a warning, I would have rather been told by him that he doesn't think its possible for us to even remain in contact. I wouldn't be able to do anything bout it, but at least I would know what happened. Now that he has disappeared, without returning any text or calls. I've stopped trying as well, as I figured maybe he needs his time alone. But will I ever hear from him again? I really feel its such a pity.

Thanks for staying with me until the end. Your advise and opinions will mean the world to me. Please don't be too hard! Thank you. God bless you! :)

[offsmack]

Nice story! Kept me entertained, thanks
As far as advice goes, I'm not too clued up on the whole 16 types thing, but I am also ENFJ so I can tell you what I think (maybe it will mirror how this guy you like is feeling and offer some sort of insight...)

The ENFJ dude was your ex-boyfriend's best friend, he only knows YOU through your ex - so his loyalty is to him first and foremost. I know if I was in that position NO WAY would I jeopardise friendship by going behind my best friend's back and cheat with his girlfriend, as I would know how much that would hurt/disrespect him.

Also, you say they no longer hang out.. but if it was me, I would still feel as though I would be doing something cosmically wrong if I dated you - as you had a long-term relationship with a good friend. So although you are no longer together and they no longer hang out that much, it would still be "wrong" to me - does this make sense?

The way you describe how he had distanced himself from you is exactly what I would've done (personally anyway). It's an emotionally dangerous situation when you realise you may have feelings for your best friends partner, even more so when she feels the same way!

I think the best thing you can do is find someone else. And I'm not being rude, just honest.

Take care

[jozstyl]

Well, I am an ENFJ and just this past weekend, my former friend's boyfriend asked me to dinner becuase they are on the skids. I haven't talked to my former friend in 5 years, but as offsmack said, I think it would be cosmically wrong to see him behind her back.

Everyone is different so it is hard to say what he would do, but my advice is this: Try to let it go and accept that he doesn't want to talk to you. If he happens to make contact in the future, be open to the possibility. As ENFJ's we are always trying to analyze the past and predict and prepare for the future. Try to exercise your inferior S and take things for what they are because the fact of the matter is you have no idea why he stopped talking to you or if you will ever talk to him again. No matter how much you analyze, the answer may never come.

[Vynn]

First & foremost, special thanks to "offsmack" and "jozstyl" for taking time to read through my extremely lengthy post and even more so, for taking time out to post a reply. I really thankful to have finally gotten responses.

Thanks once more to both of you for being such nice people. Even though I do not know each of you personally, but you guys have definitely made a difference in your words and advice. So thank you! God bless you both :)

[Vynn]

Nice story! Kept me entertained, thanks
As far as advice goes, I'm not too clued up on the whole 16 types thing, but I am also ENFJ so I can tell you what I think (maybe it will mirror how this guy you like is feeling and offer some sort of insight...)

The ENFJ dude was your ex-boyfriend's best friend, he only knows YOU through your ex - so his loyalty is to him first and foremost. I know if I was in that position NO WAY would I jeopardise friendship by going behind my best friend's back and cheat with his girlfriend, as I would know how much that would hurt/disrespect him.

Also, you say they no longer hang out.. but if it was me, I would still feel as though I would be doing something cosmically wrong if I dated you - as you had a long-term relationship with a good friend. So although you are no longer together and they no longer hang out that much, it would still be "wrong" to me - does this make sense?

The way you describe how he had distanced himself from you is exactly what I would've done (personally anyway). It's an emotionally dangerous situation when you realise you may have feelings for your best friends partner, even more so when she feels the same way!

I think the best thing you can do is find someone else. And I'm not being rude, just honest.

Take care

To: offsmack

Wow. Such a lengthy reply. Thank you so much for taking the time to type such a long response to my looong story! Thanks for the compliment?
I really do appreciate the "guy's insight" to my story, and thinking bout it. I do think it has helped shed some light onto the situation. I do think that you do make sense in your own way.

Somewhere you mentioned that "if you knew if you were in that position NO WAY would you jeopardise friendship by going behind my best friend's back and cheat with his girlfriend". I do agree with you, and from what that ENFJ guy has expressed. I do think he feels that way as well. But what confuses me, is WHY did he even expressed interest then? So torturous!

No worries. You did not come across as rude when you advised me to look for someone else. I really thought that came across as your personal and genuine advise from your point of view.

Thanks!

[Vynn]

Well, I am an ENFJ and just this past weekend, my former friend's boyfriend asked me to dinner becuase they are on the skids. I haven't talked to my former friend in 5 years, but as offsmack said, I think it would be cosmically wrong to see him behind her back.

Everyone is different so it is hard to say what he would do, but my advice is this: Try to let it go and accept that he doesn't want to talk to you. If he happens to make contact in the future, be open to the possibility. As ENFJ's we are always trying to analyze the past and predict and prepare for the future. Try to exercise your inferior S and take things for what they are because the fact of the matter is you have no idea why he stopped talking to you or if you will ever talk to him again. No matter how much you analyze, the answer may never come.

To: jozstyl

Its so nice to have a female's point of view here. I find myself agreeing with you about "its hard to say what he will do". Yes, I do think that I have to work on letting go and accepting that he doesn't want to talk to me. I'd be glad to have him back even as friends even if we cannot be more than that. I'll bare in mind to be open to possibility if that ever happens :)

I totally agree about your point on analyzing. I find myself doing that a lot, even at this moment. Its something comes very naturally. I do think that you made prefect sense when you suggested that I should take things for what they are, as I do know that its a fact that I do not know why he
stopped talking to me. I think keeping in mind that things are "the fact of the matter" might help encourage me to stop analyzing. Or at least I hope. *fingers crossed*
As the thought of this does make me undeniably sad in a way.

Thanks!

[Shadow1980]

It's nice you felt comfortable enough to share your story with us. :)

I would guess the ENFJ experienced some major empathy with you during that fight and that may have been disturbing for him...but as one of the above posts says, you will never know.

Also, it's kind of nice that the ENFJ is respecting his friend and not pursuing you. He also may not be pursing you if he is worried about taking advantage of your potentially vulnerable state. If I were in your position I would take your experience with the ENFJ as a reminder that you don't have to put up with volatile relationships like the one you had with your ex. You can find a nice, gentle man that can understand you and wants to protect you. Or at least someone that you get along with better. ;)

Take care dear!

[ENXJ]

Even though it's been quite a while since all of this happened, I hope that my analysis of the situation will be helpful. First, however, I want to say sorry that you were in such a horrible relationship with your ex. Don't ever let him benevolently trick you again - he's virtually incapable of permanently changing in the right way.

As an ENXJ male that can operate as an ENFJ myself, I see two or three possible reasons why the best friend of your ex has disappeared. First, he could be trying to preserve your heart, using the reasoning of; "if I just disappear without a trace, she'll forget about me sooner. And also, if I say goodbye to her, I know it'll just make her miss me that much more. I think they might end up together...so it's not my place to take her away."

Second, he could simply be too loyal to his best friend to get into a relationship with you. ENFJs are sometimes very loyal, so that would make sense if he was motivated to disappear because of that - even if he's not talking to his best friend either.

Finally, he might be having inner turmoil about something you're unaware of - perhaps he feels as if he's a burden to people, perhaps he thinks you wouldn't want to be with him, perhaps he's having an intricate complication in his life that prevents him from being with you, etc (although the last reason I gave is less likely, if I had to guess).

In the end, I'm not sure if you'll see him again or not. Since time has passed though, I hope that you've talked with him again, or have even begun a relationship with him. ...Have you?

I'm sorry that this situation, as much as you posted so far, is so heart wrenching for you. =(. Best of luck, and I share your curiosity about the ENFJ + ENFJ match. I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful INFP, but I was wondering about it for quite some time & still seek out a write-up on it.

[Vynn]

It's nice you felt comfortable enough to share your story with us. :)

I would guess the ENFJ experienced some major empathy with you during that fight and that may have been disturbing for him...but as one of the above posts says, you will never know.

Also, it's kind of nice that the ENFJ is respecting his friend and not pursuing you. He also may not be pursing you if he is worried about taking advantage of your potentially vulnerable state. If I were in your position I would take your experience with the ENFJ as a reminder that you don't have to put up with volatile relationships like the one you had with your ex. You can find a nice, gentle man that can understand you and wants to protect you. Or at least someone that you get along with better. ;)

Take care dear!

Hey, thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. Yes, I do agree with you that I should take my experience with the ENFJ as a reminder. And yes, I do hope that someday I may find a nice man who will understand and want to protect me. Thanks for your wishes! I do appreciate it from the very bottom of my heart!

In return, I want to wish you all the best as well. Take care, and God bless you!

[pinkrasputin]

Look, I will never claim I know the intentions of this ENFJ male you've described. But i will share a story in hopes that it will help.

One time I became friends with a male who I now consider an XNFJ. He was a devoted man looking for a deep relationship. He was not into "messing around" and not into games. However, we never hooked up. We just remained friends. Part of this platonic aspect was indeed due to the fact that I wasn't attracted and because I didn't really know myself or my tastes at that point. I wanted to just be friends. I know he once wanted more.

So we became good friends. Eventually I could share everything with this man. I could talk about dating pitfalls, etc. He knew that I also had a habit of being attracted to emotionally abusive men.

One day after my heart and soul had been broken yet again from a complete arrogant and misogynist man, I looked to my "NF"man for wisdom. He told me that he was going to drive an hour and a half (he lived out town) to come visit me and just bring me my favorite ice cream. I didn't even know what my favorite ice cream was at the time. I had been busy living for everyone else. Anyway, he claimed he was coming over because I needed to be shown how a real man treats a woman.

Of course I was looking for underlying meaning. Did this guy want to finally seize the opportunity to get down my pants? Was he hoping I'd angry f**k him?

You know what happened? He came over. He talked to me, brought my favorite ice cream and we talked until the sun came up again at 5am. But never ONCE did he make a pass at me. He ended up leaving and driving an hour and a half home at 6 am.

So he wanted nothing. He took nothing. All he did was save my faith in the male gender. They WERE all different. Don't get me wrong, I know this guy cares for me. I know he hates the assholes that I've dated. But he also made me realize that not all men were the same. Not all of them showed me compassion because they were just hoping to enter a relationship with me or just hoping to get down my pants.

Because this man behaved in such a galliant way, I realized there were some men who were of a different type. They were into respecting a lady. They didn't care to pressure and they were okay with just spending time with me. I learned to EXPECT MORE FROM MEN.

We immediately resumed friendship afterwards. And I remember he became even a bit more removed. Doesn't matter his intent. Just matters what I learned from it all.

I learned that although there are some very opportunistic men out there, there was another group of men who valued women and wouldn't pressure them. I learned that I didn't need to be on the defensive with men because some men actually didn't want anything from me. I learned to compare other men's behavior to this man's behavior. In short, I finally learned to EXPECT MORE from men. The men I had been around were rude, selfish, and certainly shouldn't set my standard for all men.

I suggest you learn concretely from what this ENFJ male has done with you, regardless of the fact that you don't know his true motive. He was there for you during turbulent times with your ex. His support helped you to expect more from a male. His detachment showed you he wanted nothing in return. A great lesson learned for those of us who put up with too much for too long.