ENFJ/INFJ relationship. Tips?

**ningyo** · 01-31-2012 11:22 PM

*ahem*

So not only do I think I might be one of you guys (yes, I'm done waffling about my type :D)... I'm also in a relationship with an INFJ. It's great so far, and both of us think it might get quite serious. So I was wondering... INFJs married/committed to ENFJs and vice versa, got any tips for us? Advice you would have liked to give your younger selves? What are some trends you notice in the relationship that you think might be type-related? Any thoughts. :)

KC · 02-01-2012 08:40 AM

I choose you! @Vivid Melody

KC · 02-01-2012 08:51 AM

On another note, I am also very interested in the prospect of dating an INFJ as well. All that talk about "cosmic love" is just so.... wow...

**Jawz** · 02-01-2012 10:18 AM

Originally Posted by KC Tan

On another note, I am also very interested in the prospect of dating an INFJ as well. All that talk about "cosmic love" is just so.... wow...

It is something that transcends the real world for sure. But so does an ENFJ+ENFJ relationship. In fact, I'm guessing all Ni relationships are pretty epic.

**Vivid Melody** · 02-01-2012 11:24 AM

Well I know enneagram type plays a big factor as well. I've been married to a 6w7, 2w1, 1w9 ENFJ for 5 years now (I'm 2w1, 5w6, 1w9). I'll try to think of some things that I think are type related:

1. When an argument/misunderstanding arises my initial reaction is to reflect/process what's being said so I can come up with the best response so as to not say something I'll regret later. My ENFJ likes to deal with things right there an then and encourages me to share what I'm feeling when I go silent because he wants us to work through it together and to make me feel better. But sometimes I just CAN'T because I know at that moment, what's going to come out of my mouth will be said out of bitterness so I hold it in until I have time to work through it myself. So...I've had to get better at being more expressive when I'm angry so we can process through it together. Maybe this has more to do with trust issues for me? And a strong dislike of conflict. I don't know. It's just what I naturally tend to do. But we always pull through after I've expressed it. And well, the resolution that comes afterwards is really nice.

2. A lot of the time he doesn't directly tell me what he wants and instead, drops subtle hints for me to pick up on because he doesn't want to feel like a burden. While I think that's sweet, it can also be incredibly frustrating because I tend to get easily confused or just absent minded and then when he gets upset I feel terrible because all I want to do is please him. So I just wish he'd be more clear about his needs/desires even though I should have the ability to pick up on them, sometimes I just don't think about it! I'm in my head all the time and I get lost in there. It's not his fault. It's not really anyone's fault, it just happens but I am working on that now.

3. When we are together, it's important for him to feel like he's connected to me in some way. He doesn't mind if I go off by myself sometimes but at some point, if I do it for too long, he'll start to feel neglected. Even if I'm in the same room as him that's enough for him to feel fulfilled/connected to me emotionally. We don't even have to be talking. So when we're together, that's very important to him and I need to think about that more and make it a priority...which I do but I do tend to lose track of time when I get lost in my solitary activities. I am an introvert after all. He's a very understanding person though so he gets that.

4. Maybe this is just me but when my husband is busy mentoring someone, I think that's fantastic. But sometimes, the temptation is there for me to become jealous (even though it's always a guy). I just need reassurance that I come first (which my husband always gladly gives but hey, I'm insecure.). That's all. Your INFJ may be different depending on his enneagram and love language etc. so that problem may or may not arise for you. I think sometimes people get the wrong impression of ENFJ's since they value every person so deeply and they go out of their way to show that they do.

5. I've also had to learn to not let his vents upset me. He's very intense when he's venting but it's always so he can let go of the anger/sadness so he can FEEL better. That's always the goal. I can't allow it to upset me in the moment and I have in the past (I guess due to Fe). It strongly affects my mood. How can it not? Well I just tell myself this will pass (like a storm), and he's just doing it to feel better. He needs me to be strong and usually just listen or say a few comforting words. I suppose this advice is better suited for an INFJ though.

6. Sometimes I'm silent because I'm truly speechless/don't know the right thing to say. Like I said, I need time to process things. Give me like 10 minutes and I'll come up with just the right thing to say. But if I am silent, it doesn't mean I don't care about what you just said. Sometimes he makes this assumption. I guess that comes from his own insecurity. He also gets insecure if I challenge something he says...or he sees it as a challenge but it's more like me questioning, making conversation. But he takes it to mean I don't like him. But once again, that probably has more to do with his own issues and maybe not so much because he's an ENFJ.

7. And don't share something your INFJ has shared with you in confidence, with other people - no matter how insignificant it seems! lol I guess I can't speak for other INFJ's, but I'm a very private person.

I hope some of this rambling helped in some small way. And sorry this was so disorganized. I know there's others here in ENFJ-INFJ relationships. Maybe they can give their two cents as well.

**Jamie.Ether** · 02-01-2012 02:21 PM

Originally Posted by Vivid Melody

Well I know enneagram type plays a big factor as well. I've been married to a 6w7, 2w1, 1w9 ENFJ for 5 years now (I'm 2w1, 5w6, 1w9). I'll try to think of some things that I think are type related:

...
2. A lot of the time he doesn't directly tell me what he wants and instead, drops subtle hints for me to pick up on because he doesn't want to feel like a burden. While I think that's sweet, it can also be incredibly frustrating because I tend to get easily confused or just absent minded and then when he gets upset I feel terrible because all I want to do is please him. So I just wish he'd be more clear about his needs/desires even though I should have the ability to pick up on them, sometimes I just don't think about it! I'm in my head all the time and I get lost in there. It's not his fault. It's not really anyone's fault, it just happens but I am working on that now.

3. When we are together, it's important for him to feel like he's connected to me in some way. He doesn't mind if I go off by myself sometimes but at some point, if I do it for too long, he'll start to feel neglected. Even if I'm in the same room as him that's enough for him to feel fulfilled/connected to me emotionally. We don't even have to be talking. So when we're together, that's very important to him and I need to think about that more and make it a priority...which I do but I do tend to lose track of time when I get lost in my solitary activities. I am an introvert after all. He's a very understanding person though so he gets that.

4. Maybe this is just me but when my husband is busy mentoring someone, I think that's fantastic. But sometimes, the temptation is there for me to become jealous (even though it's always a guy). I just need reassurance that I come first (which my husband always gladly gives but hey, I'm insecure.). That's all. Your INFJ may be different depending on his enneagram and love language etc. so that problem may or may not arise for you. I think sometimes people get the wrong impression of ENFJ's since they value every person so deeply and they go out of their way to show that they do.

5. I've also had to learn to not let his vents upset me. He's very intense when he's venting but it's always so he can let go of the anger/sadness so he can FEEL better. That's always the goal. I can't allow it to upset me in the moment and I have in the past (I guess due to Fe). It strongly affects my mood. How can it not? Well I just tell myself this will pass (like a storm), and he's just doing it to feel better. He needs me to be strong and usually just listen or say a few comforting words. I suppose this advice is better suited for an INFJ though.

Yesss! I can definitely relate to these with my ENFJ relationship. He's also a 6w7.

I'm dating an ENFJ now [1 year] and when we have problems, it usually stems from communication errors. There was an immediate connection via intuition on both our parts. But I think we take our intuitions too far at times and start making assumptions. Although i really cherish our non-verbal understanding of each other, it can bring a lot of clarity to say things outloud. Because we did have so much in common, I think at one point we started to overestimate our similarities and project onto each other. We would assume the other person was feeling/thinking in the way that we would, which was dangerous. Our arguments would turn into "I thought you....?" ..."No? Why did you think that?" "You should have asked/told me that then." Just don't make assumptions. It's better to ask, even if it seems silly than to incorrectly assume that your partner is feeling or thinking something that they haven't verbalized.

Another challenge we have is a matter of his strong Fe. This probably has more to do with enneagram and me being a 5w4. But I think many other INFJ's are similiar to me in this aspect. I need directness and objectivity when tackling issues. My ENFJ on the other hand can be really touchy. My thinking is "It doesn't matter what words you use, it's what you really mean" [Ni?] where he can get really deffensive if things aren't put lightly and phrased in more gentle words. I can be a bit blunt in mentioning problems, but it is really for the sake of discussing the problem to find a solution. I want to work on it, that's why I bring it up. But he can instead see it as a personal attack and get really offended or start throwing attacks at me to deflect.

The introvert/extrovert differences can need to be talked about also. My energy goes to a few things where I focus intensely, where his energy goes to a lot of things/people but less intense. This can throw me off. I am at times feel like I focus more energy on him than he does on me because he is naturally more outgoing and his attention bounces around to different people. Since that's not how I operate, I can sometimes feel like I'm not very important to him, and need reassurance. I really do love how he cares about so many people, but I need to know that he hasn't forgotten about me and that his romantic interest is reserved for me.
I had to get used to his introvert/extrovert shifts. Since I am a full time introvert, I assumed he was a full time extrovert. haha. But he does need down time, and didn't know how to tell people that. he would wear himself out and then just disappear for days. Communication is important there also. As introverts, INFJ's will definitely understand if you need alone time, but be sure to communicate that or it can be really confusing to us, being on the outside. From my view, I just saw him as extroverted, so when he went into solitude mode, it was unexpected and I starting wondering if he was upset at me or dealing with something serious.

KC · 02-01-2012 05:37 PM

Originally Posted by Vivid Melody

Well I know enneagram type plays a big factor as well. I've been married to a 6w7, 2w1, 1w9 ENFJ for 5 years now (I'm 2w1, 5w6, 1w9). I'll try to think of some things that I think are type related:

1. When an argument/misunderstanding arises my initial reaction is to reflect/process what's being said so I can come up with the best response so as to not say something I'll regret later. My ENFJ likes to deal with things right there an then and encourages me to share what I'm feeling when I go silent because he wants us to work through it together and to make me feel better. But sometimes I just CAN'T because I know at that moment, what's going to come out of my mouth will be said out of bitterness so I hold it in until I have time to work through it myself. So...I've had to get better at being more expressive when I'm angry so we can process through it together. Maybe this has more to do with trust issues for me? And a strong dislike of conflict. I don't know. It's just what I naturally tend to do. But we always pull through after I've expressed it. And well, the resolution that comes afterwards is really nice.

2. A lot of the time he doesn't directly tell me what he wants and instead, drops subtle hints for me to pick up on because he doesn't want to feel like a burden. While I think that's sweet, it can also be incredibly frustrating because I tend to get easily confused or just absent minded and then when he gets upset I feel terrible because all I want to do is please him. So I just wish he'd be more clear about his needs/desires even though I should have the ability to pick up on them, sometimes I just don't think about it! I'm in my head all the time and I get lost in there. It's not his fault. It's not really anyone's fault, it just happens but I am working on that now.

3. When we are together, it's important for him to feel like he's connected to me in some way. He doesn't mind if I go off by myself sometimes but at some point, if I do it for too long, he'll start to feel neglected. Even if I'm in the same room as him that's enough for him to feel fulfilled/connected to me emotionally. We don't even have to be talking. So when we're together, that's very important to him and I need to think about that more and make it a priority...which I do but I do tend to lose track of time when I get lost in my solitary activities. I am an introvert after all. He's a very understanding person though so he gets that.

4. Maybe this is just me but when my husband is busy mentoring someone, I think that's fantastic. But sometimes, the temptation is there for me to become jealous (even though it's always a guy). I just need reassurance that I come first (which my husband always gladly gives but hey, I'm insecure.). That's all. Your INFJ may be different depending on his enneagram and love language etc. so that problem may or may not arise for you. I think sometimes people get the wrong impression of ENFJ's since they value every person so deeply and they go out of their way to show that they do.

5. I've also had to learn to not let his vents upset me. He's very intense when he's venting but it's always so he can let go of the anger/sadness so he can FEEL better. That's always the goal. I can't allow it to upset me in the moment and I have in the past (I guess due to Fe). It strongly affects my mood. How can it not? Well I just tell myself this will pass (like a storm), and he's just doing it to feel better. He needs me to be strong and usually just listen or say a few comforting words. I suppose this advice is better suited for an INFJ though.

6. Sometimes I'm silent because I'm truly speechless/don't know the right thing to say. Like I said, I need time to process things. Give me like 10 minutes and I'll come up with just the right thing to say. But if I am silent, it doesn't mean I don't care about what you just said. Sometimes he makes this assumption. I guess that comes from his own insecurity. He also gets insecure if I challenge something he says...or he sees it as a challenge but it's more like me questioning, making conversation. But he takes it to mean I don't like him. But once again, that probably has more to do with his own issues and maybe not so much because he's an ENFJ.

7. And don't share something your INFJ has shared with you in confidence, with other people - no matter how insignificant it seems! lol I guess I can't speak for other INFJ's, but I'm a very private person.

I hope some of this rambling helped in some small way. And sorry this was so disorganized. I know there's others here in ENFJ-INFJ relationships. Maybe they can give their two cents as well.

Uhm... hmmm... I... How should I put this...

I don't exactly know how to put this but your husband sounds a lot, and I mean, a lot like me. So much of what you described about your husband mirrors me in such an intimate way. In any other sense, if my SO copypasted your post, I wouldn't have even suspected that it was taken from someone else... and I know how weird it is saying that...

It's kinda freaky to me... and now that I've said it, perhaps it is a lil bit for you as well... but dayum girl, that man's like me!!! It's scary... God must be copypasting nowadays...

**ningyo** · 02-01-2012 06:59 PM

Thanks so much, @Vivid Melody and @Jamie.Ether! :D You brought up some interesting points to think about. I'm actually a 2w3 7w6 1w9, SO is 4w5 but I don't know his tritypes. I definitely think enneagram speaks a ton about how interactions can go. I read a lot about "2s and 4s being better friends than lovers," but so far I'm not so sure. I definitely relate to the comment about the ENFJ not being a full-time extrovert and not knowing how to ask for alone time. By the time I do, it's usually not a request, it's a demand, lol. *wondering if anyone else is in one of these... any male INFJs with female ENFJs?*

**Vivid Melody** · 02-02-2012 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by KC Tan

Uhm... hmmm... I... How should I put this...

I don't exactly know how to put this but your husband sounds a lot, and I mean, a lot like me. So much of what you described about your husband mirrors me in such an intimate way. In any other sense, if my SO copypasted your post, I wouldn't have even suspected that it was taken from someone else... and I know how weird it is saying that...

It's kinda freaky to me... and now that I've said it, perhaps it is a lil bit for you as well... but dayum girl, that man's like me!!! It's scary... God must be copypasting nowadays...

Lol, I don't think it's freaky. You are also a type 6 so maybe that has something to do with it as well. I guess this confirms for you that you're really an ENFJ and not an ENFP? lol In the last video you made I was thinking you were definitely an ENFJ because of how deeply you analyze things but I suppose I could be wrong :)

KC · 02-02-2012 02:38 PM

Originally Posted by Vivid Melody

Lol, I don't think it's freaky. You are also a type 6 so maybe that has something to do with it as well. I guess this confirms for you that you're really an ENFJ and not an ENFP? lol In the last video you made I was thinking you were definitely an ENFJ because of how deeply you analyze things but I suppose I could be wrong :)

Contrary to popular belief, I really really really want to be ENFJ and I do sincerely hope that I am ENFJ. It makes me feel useful to say the least :3

Doubts of my ENFJ-ness makes me feel rather sad and insecure... :(