I took my first step today.
I don't even know if it's going to amount to anything.
But I do feel like a child who's learning to walk again.
Why, I don't know.
Have I had too much of a sheltered life? I don't think so because I've been fending and fighting for myself since I was 16. 14 years later, I've realized that I'm pretty much exactly where I was 14 years ago.
I have had my moments. Peaks of greatness. I did manage to accomplish a lot. But each time I found something, it was ripped away from me because of the two biggest hindrances I've ever faced.
I've smelt success, both marital as well as corporate. I was regarded as one of those "most likely to succeed" kids in high school. I have all these talents [useless or otherwise] and yet in my pursuit for acceptance and conformity, I've tossed away all that could have made me great.
I step out of the house today again - and it's really not that big a deal - but for some reason it feels like I haven't lived the last 14 years. It feels like I'm still 16. Why? Why do I feel like my past experiences didn't exist - didn't happen?
I have grown mentally from those experiences, but I have also regressed.
I should feel pain, I should feel like a failure. But I don't. It's an empty feeling.
I still feel powerful beyond measure - capable of achieving and finding some form of happiness.
Have I become so used to be sad and depressed that now I'm missing those feelings?
It seems like a chemical addiction to emotional pain. Can that even exist?
Have I repressed my pain so deeply?
Is this healthy?
Rhetorical questions ... probably not. I seek these answers - but I doubt I'll find them here :/ I have to ask myself and I already know the answers.
So I suppose this is a useless post. I just needed to put these thoughts out there before I leave the house today. I don't know what I'm stepping into --- I do hope it's worth it --- I really hope that this Doctor can at least give me some good referrals unlike last time.
I'm willing to explore anything - as long as some option exists :/ I've lived 8 years in pain. I just can't imagine living the rest of my life in pain anymore.
Anyways --- this is just me venting I suppose ... I dunno ... Or maybe I'm not?
I just don't know anymore.