[Jawz]

I took my first step today.

I don't even know if it's going to amount to anything.

But I do feel like a child who's learning to walk again.

Why, I don't know.

Have I had too much of a sheltered life? I don't think so because I've been fending and fighting for myself since I was 16. 14 years later, I've realized that I'm pretty much exactly where I was 14 years ago.

I have had my moments. Peaks of greatness. I did manage to accomplish a lot. But each time I found something, it was ripped away from me because of the two biggest hindrances I've ever faced.

I've smelt success, both marital as well as corporate. I was regarded as one of those "most likely to succeed" kids in high school. I have all these talents [useless or otherwise] and yet in my pursuit for acceptance and conformity, I've tossed away all that could have made me great.



I step out of the house today again - and it's really not that big a deal - but for some reason it feels like I haven't lived the last 14 years. It feels like I'm still 16. Why? Why do I feel like my past experiences didn't exist - didn't happen?

I have grown mentally from those experiences, but I have also regressed.

I should feel pain, I should feel like a failure. But I don't. It's an empty feeling.

I still feel powerful beyond measure - capable of achieving and finding some form of happiness.

Have I become so used to be sad and depressed that now I'm missing those feelings?

It seems like a chemical addiction to emotional pain. Can that even exist?

Have I repressed my pain so deeply?

Is this healthy?

Rhetorical questions ... probably not. I seek these answers - but I doubt I'll find them here :/ I have to ask myself and I already know the answers.

So I suppose this is a useless post. I just needed to put these thoughts out there before I leave the house today. I don't know what I'm stepping into --- I do hope it's worth it --- I really hope that this Doctor can at least give me some good referrals unlike last time.

I'm willing to explore anything - as long as some option exists :/ I've lived 8 years in pain. I just can't imagine living the rest of my life in pain anymore.

Anyways --- this is just me venting I suppose ... I dunno ... Or maybe I'm not?

I just don't know anymore.

[gurlygurl]

:hugs:

I hope you find what you're looking for. =)

[WhereAreMyKeys]

What are the two biggest hindrances????? Why 8 years of pain? What happened 8 years ago ?????

* sitting on edge of her seat *
* falls off seat*

>>>>>>>>> huggggles enfj <<<<<<<<<<<

[Paul Buddha Harris]

all good things start in the present just got to be aware and use sincere motivation to make your happiness!!! Just to remember you also deserve your love and compassion!!!! stay awesome stay in shining!

[Jawz]

What are the two biggest hindrances????? Why 8 years of pain? What happened 8 years ago ?????

* sitting on edge of her seat *
* falls off seat*

>>>>>>>>> huggggles enfj <<<<<<<<<<<

awww ... thank you :) I dunno what this forum would be like without love and empathy :)

I had an accident 8 years ago that left me in a relative state of disability :/ This coincided with an emotionally abusive wife who cheated on me. Long story short I lost several jobs, had mutiple surgeries, relapses, sexual problems, got divorced, moved to a different continent and am finally recovered enough to start the process of giving my knee one shot.

Though yesterday again the knee was deemed inoperable. It's been opened up 4 times already - doctors are giving 10% chance of 40% reduction in my chronic pain after rehab. But I can never be 100%.

It's ok. I will try and I will overcome as I have in the past :)