[dsmjo]

Hello everyone!

I’m sorry, this is a little embarrassing, but I would like a bit of relationship advice! I know it may seem a bit personal to share, but I truly think members of PerC have a strong insight into human thought and behaviour, and so I would like some guidance from the greats, if it's alright. : P
Anyway, it's really stressing me out, since I really care for my friend and want him to be happy.



First of all, I'd like to say that I really do love my ENFJ friend. He is honestly the most sweetest, caring, self-sacrificial, compassionate, forgiving, kind, gentle, friendly, optimistic, loving, sweetheart cuddle-bear I've ever met. Wow, I love the entire ENFJ temperament. So, so sweet...
Putting all my gushy INFJ feelings aside, he is a bit of an Idealist. Well, too much of one, actually.

The story is, we knew each other since we were young-ins, then I moved away and we lost contact. In the last year, I rang him up and we've chatted. He's told me that he's had feelings for me ever since we knew each other, and that he wants to give it a go with me. He's very persistent, sensitive, and has some self-esteem issues… he doesn't see he's an amazing guy though, and I want to make sure he knows that I'll be there for him.

But I've thunk and thunk and thunk it over some more, I can honestly just say that I don't think I can be there for him in a romantic way. I believe that we don't have chemistry, that it's completely platonic on my part, but I do still care about him.

I really want to tell him. But as an INFJ I really don't have the heart to! How can I say that I honestly care about him and really do want to be friends, in the least painful way?

The question is: What is the most sensitive and gentle method of communication I ought to use for his sake? How do ENFJs want to be approached when it comes to dealing with conflict?

Thanks for your help in advance!

[Iselia]

What is the most sensitive and gentle method of communication I ought to use for his sake? How do ENFJs want to be approached when it comes to dealing with conflict?

Just be honest with him. Exactly what you just wrote in this thread.

[Crono]

It's probably best to be direct and honest with him and exactly everything you think. The bad part of my experience with INFJ girls and communication is that they sometimes think I'm in their head more than I am (since ENFJs are pretty good with empathizing...we're still not psychics though) and so they leave certain details blank, partly because getting out what they feel isn't always the easiest.

Just make sure you are really sure that you don't see him in a romantic way at all, or, more importantly, feel that there's potential for something to develop there. You're setting yourself up for a messy situation if you go out of your way to tell him all of this and then realize that you actually did have feelings for him in the end. That is by far the most cruel thing you can do to an ENFJ, at least in my experience. The best thing you can possibly do for him is to completely crush his hopes of being with you, because otherwise, being the idealist he is, he will keep hoping. If you're not completely 100% sure yourself, you won't be able to convince him either. You definitely need to be firm, or, if he's anything like I think he is, he won't give up.

That's my best shot, anyhow. I used to be very very idealistic and it took me a very long time to get over girls who weren't completely firm with me about their feelings. It may make things harder for him in the short term, but in the long term he'll be able to move on, rather than holding on to a faint hope in the back of his mind, unable to truly move on. If you care about him, you obviously want him to be able to be happy and move on. (It may also be difficult to be friends, to be honest, if he really has that depth of feelings for you for that long...at least in my position I would find it hard to be friends immediately if that were the case)

[edit] Of course, I would ~want~ to be friends, and probably lie to myself about it being ok, but it probably would make it way harder, if not impossible for me to move on. It's not as big of a deal for me if it's a more short-lived romance, but with feelings that have been there for years....yeah.

[Twoshoe]

To be fair, the 'lack of chemistry' thing happens when the guy thinks confessing his feelings will do the trick. But that's not how women work. They only want to hear how much they mean to you after they've already started thinking about you in that way. :) He would have done better to not confess his feelings and instead seduce you, or show himself as very romantically appealing. Ugh... Chemistry is something you CREATE. Usually, around someone new, you get to flirt enough to create chemistry. If you're friends, you usually don't do the things that create romantic chemistry.

And women especially hate it when you confess you've had a crush on them for a long time, because it makes it seem like you've been misleading them. And no one is attracted to "Hey, I have self-esteem issues".

In conclusion: That's too bad; if he had just flirted with you and shown some confidence he could behaved in a way that would have made you receptive to his advances before he even asked.

Also, since Chemistry really is something you CREATE (and us INFP/ENFJs can be great at flirting -- with everyone... constantly), I'm sure if you went on a fun, flirty date, you'd find chemistry. This still doesn't solve his lack of appeal due to self-esteem and having had a secret crush on you for a long time, so I don't blame you.

[Iselia]

Chemistry is something you CREATE.

I would agree that Chemistry can form over time. But maybe I'm just built differently. It doesn't matter how much you flirt with me. It matters that I'm attracted to your personality; which I figure out over time. Nonetheless, maybe the OP could try your method of finding chemistry with him... If she's willing to give it another shot.

[dsmjo]

Wow, thank you for all of your insights! I'm gonna mull it all over some more...