What to do if an Enfj hates you?

**abitsilly** · 02-10-2011 05:23 AM

What to do if your sister an enfj hates you?

She calls me names like 'ignorant.'
She takes my jewellery make up without asking.
She gives me no respect but thinks i'm ''sweet''.
She never talks to me, i have to initiate the conversation.
She never wants to hang out with me.
She never speaks to me unless she wants something
She takes the piss out of me in front of her friends
She shouts at me whenever she's in the wrong

......What can I do? :(

**abitsilly** · 02-10-2011 05:32 AM

Please reply as my relationship with my sister just keeps getting worse.

**Urtehnoes** · 02-10-2011 09:35 AM

Bro you made a post and 10 minutes later get pissed when no one posts? I mean, this forum isn't frequented that often.

Anyways, ask her what you did wrong. And mean it. We might not be N-dom, but we can sure tell when someone is sincere/bs'ing. It isn't hard to see behind the mask. When I'm pissed off at someone, I tend to act that way as well, but only because I don't want TO interact and then make the situation worse.

And don't try to put her on a guilt trip, we can't stand when people do that, and although we may play along it'll worsen the relationship. The best thing to do, (which actually can be hard for some iNFPs) is to let the ENFJ be herself, all the time. If she says something offensive, note that she probably didn't mean it to be offensive, and don't point out that it offended you.

**kiwigrl** · 02-10-2011 01:30 PM

Firstly, you would had to have committed a heinous crime against an ENFJ for them to hate you. I for one can honestly say that I don't hate anyone.

Secondly, sounds like plain old sibbling rivalry to me. Of course you fight/argue with your siblings while you are growing up, that's your job. How old are you two? The good news is that I used to fight alot with my brother when we were growing up and now we are the best of mates. He is probably my favourite male after my husband.

**reletative** · 02-10-2011 02:18 PM

Originally Posted by abitsilly

What to do if your sister an enfj hates you?

She calls me names like 'ignorant.'
She takes my jewellery make up without asking.
She gives me no respect but thinks i'm ''sweet''.
She never talks to me, i have to initiate the conversation.
She never wants to hang out with me.
She never speaks to me unless she wants something
She takes the piss out of me in front of her friends
She shouts at me whenever she's in the wrong

......What can I do? :(

I've never heard of an ENFJ doing any of those things....but going off what you said...it's more likely she thinks YOU don't like HER and is just reacting to that. Tell her you want to have a better relationship with her, and ask her what you can do that will help her enjoy your company.....then be prepared for her to be VERY honest.

**abitsilly** · 02-10-2011 02:29 PM

She is 21 and i am 23. I really want to know what I have done to hurt her, as I cannot remember?
We could be sitting down to watch a movie soon, that is if it doesn't get too late or she gets caught up in her work. Maybe I can ask a couple of questions then.

**abitsilly** · 02-10-2011 02:32 PM

nope she's bailed on me again. She always does that.

**Mei** · 02-11-2011 05:45 PM

Hm... I don't know whether it will get worst or get better. Either you stand up for yourself, or you let her be. But, if someone did that to me over a long period of time, unless I love them (like you do with family, and it is somewhat unconditional), then I would want words.

Hm.. I read the other ENFJ's responses, and it does maybe put the needs of your sister first before your own? To me, rather than holding it all back in, and letting it boil to a major boiling point, and then you lose your cool in a very big INFP style...(AND we do get this too...)... then I would try and use a more subtler approach to let her know what you are thinking. Find a right time to do this though.

She calls me names like 'ignorant.' - Say "oi" at the time it happens. Reinforcement, acknowledgement that you'd mind. lol.
She takes my jewellery make up without asking. - Just say, "hey, ask first", with a cheeky big smile..
She gives me no respect but thinks i'm ''sweet''. - You are sweet though. I have been told directly and bluntly by my friends as "sweet", and "doormat". (I thought to myself then, I do not agree with that, but they have their opinion. However, I have found that, I lost out, and I flipped later on how much advantage they take. Draw the line now.) Say something like, "I am only sweet cos you are my sister, don't take advantage. Asking me would be nice sometimes, okay?"
She never talks to me, i have to initiate the conversation. - Try to have more girly talk with her. Once she finds that you are not bossy, and you are a good listener, and have her interest at heart, she will talk more? It also means that you have to share a part of your life too? I do this with very close family members who are my peers. I also respect the "I do not say this to anybody else" code. you have to build up the trust. With some of the ISTJ, I blatantly say this directly now in their own language.
She never wants to hang out with me. - Well, she may have her own life too, but say something like, you would like to do more sisterly things, if that is okay? Just say, one day, you may move out, and you can't have memories of this type. (I said that to my sister once, and she said she never saw it that far, but it has happened, and we now miss each other, and we could not bring that relationship back again, into our lives.)
She never speaks to me unless she wants something - Maybe she is independent? The difference between you is the J, and the P. Do you feel used? Say that she doesn't interact with you in a way that builds up your relationship, just say that you do feel used sometimes, like a doormat. See if she gets it.
She takes the piss out of me in front of her friends - Tell her that you do mind this part. Cos it should be private what you say and do at home between sisters. When she does this. Leave the table, or show an annoyed face. She will definitely gets it over time. I never used to show any emotions either? Now I do.
She shouts at me whenever she's in the wrong - Talk with reason I guess. Hm.. maybe joke it off? Than to let her know that you found it wrong? I think the F is dominant and she avoids being reprimanded. If your trust is high here, then this would've been okay, but it sounds like it doesn't?

**anon** · 02-11-2011 10:55 PM

I had a similar experience with an ENFJ and after trying so hard for a long time I just came to the point where I set boundaries and made it known I am offended/serious/upset/detached.

I suppose that from the 'outside' I saw the situation better and I realized that a) ENFJ really want you to make it work with them and that b) they are willing to improve their conduct with you given you explain it to them when they bounce back up. But you have to also be willing to hear them out about you, too. Try to tone down the kind/super-friendly nature so often we INFPs carry, and see in what way the relationship can grow healthier for both parties. Sometimes, all a person needs is far too basic than all the things you would otherwise try to do for them. I am sure we do the best we can for the ones we love without asking for anything in return... but this is a matter of untying the knots to relieve the burden both you and your sister are feeling.

Any reason why she feels like this though? Maybe she finds a solid friendship in you, that is prone to vulnerability? And she's gotten vulnerable and fearful about something?
What about her lifestyle- is anything tying her down? Is she unable to do something or feels resourceless/helpless? It could be that she has certain expectations from you and it may happen as if she has silent expectations but for ENFJs that is not the case as more often than not they DO voice out what they think and what they want and people can be dismissive of it or not take it as seriously as they do. That can be both other people's problem and the ENFJ's own problem too.

So yeah, see it from the outside and work accordingly.

**EternalBlackDragon** · 02-11-2011 11:20 PM

I might be able to give you a bit of perspective from the ENFJ's end, I have a brother who I am not particularly close to even though he has made attempts to otherwise strengthen our bond (though I find that relationships between sisters are usually a lot different then how bothers act towards each other; though its usually in a physical sense vs an emotional sense). To clarify I am the older brother by a little over 5 years and I haven't lived in the same house with my brother for almost 14 years but while growing up I would go to my mom's house every other weekend, since he lives with her I always see him when I see my mom (this might be a bigger difference between the two situations).

It takes a lot for me to actually want to not be on friendly terms with someone, in the case of my brother it has been a continuous battle between each of us (much less now but there are some moments we still have). I tried to be close with him for a good part of his life (when he was born I was ecstatic and couldn't wait for him to be older ) but things haven't ended this way, and I don't want to patch it up myself anymore. I'm not saying she doesn't want to patch things up, it might take you to initiate it but be prepared for what she will say because the fabled "rage" ENFJ's have been known for might come to the surface. With an ENFJ there is always a chance to salvage the relationship as long as you explain your genuine feelings to them (asking what you did wrong could also be a good thing to do ).

This is all assuming your sister is an ENFJ (the side of her you are showing us doesn't seem to be very ENFJish but I have seen a large similarity in what your saying she is doing to how I act with my brother).

She calls me names like 'ignorant.' I've called him many names but not anything in a hateful way, it is usually in response to something he does to me.
She takes my jewellery make up without asking. doesn't really apply, I won't take anything from him and refrain from using anything we don't share.
She gives me no respect but thinks i'm ''sweet''. I call him "smart" but there is a major lack of respect I have for him.
She never talks to me, i have to initiate the conversation. I never initiate any conversations with him unless it concerns our mom (even if I'm encouraged to by my mom to txt him).
She never wants to hang out with me. I can't stand him for long periods of time and do not want to hang with him, I'd rather be around my friends.
She never speaks to me unless she wants something Explained above.
She takes the piss out of me in front of her friends I'll actually avoid this but there have been some key differences here where I had to talk to my friends about my exasperation about him. (It's never to his face)
She shouts at me whenever she's in the wrong More when I am annoyed with him but my pride can cause this to also happen.

If you want to learn what you did without asking her this can be hard, for it could be a long term grudge (many ENFJ's can forgive but will never forget,which doesn't make it a grudge but if you repeatedly offend them the emotions from those offenses may stack together, even if not related, which will turn into a grudge or even resentment). This won't be an all at once thing so trying to fix this may take time since many of us will shove our problems with others "under the rug." Try confronting her and ask her what you could do to improve things between the two of you, she may resist this but as long as the feeling is genuine you may be able to get to her.

I hope you can patch things up with her, good luck.

~EBD