[ISTLgal]

Hello!!



My sister is an ENFJ and she's depressed (clinically). She just thinks life's not worth living and she's not special. However, me being an ISTJ realises just how magnificently special she really is. Our cat was meowing last night and she was up til 3am with her!! I would have just left her and gone to sleep.

Anyway, any hints about how to cheer her up??

What do you guys do when you're down that makes you feel better?

[Lokkye]

just be there for her and show her someone actually cares about her and loves her
Don't ever make her feel unloved and don't try to act annoyed if she's talking about her feelings or something
you should also listen to what she says, and offer advice when she asks for it
bottom line: just be a good friend to her

[anon]

My brother is an ISTJ and my sister is an ENFJ. My sister has been through "depression" and has felt the very same things (not feeling special, insecure, etc). My ISTJ brother is probably the only one who can get a handle on her because he can make her laugh, bring her back down to her feet and not judge her for how she is, and that's given that he doesn't jump to conclusions about things and tones down the harshness, cuz ENFJs are sensitive souls. I agree with Lokkye that you have to make her feel accepted and loved. You have to be able to expose her to enough time and space for her to decide for herself when she'd like to make a move. ENFJs will eventually hate being told what to do. They are naturally independent thinkers and will do it by themselves. All you have to do is be there for them... liven them up... show them new perspectives -- even from your own experiences how you learnt dealing with x, y and z. Just be a friend!

PS. Did you mention hints on cheering her up? I know! Surprise her! Plan the surprise lovingly and willingly only for the sake of seeing her smile or just to see that spark in her eyes. ENFJs will love a nice humble sincere surprise. Take her out somewhere she likes and most importantly don't lecture her or put any of her hopes/dreams down. I think you, as an ISTJ, will be OK in this regard. Just be the best of yourself... keep it real and natural. ISTJs are wonderful when they do that!

One last thing... Inspire her to win her battle. I think we have to know when we can help someone with their struggles and at what point you have to leave that someone to fight their own battle. She needs perspective.

[reletative]

Verbal reinforcement! I find ENFJ's tend to beat themselves up a lot....remind them that all their efforts will and do pay off. Tell them how much you appreciate them...remind them they haven't failed even if they haven't seen teh fruit of their efforts yet...but they WILL see it.

[sharrkmaster]

Verbal reinforcement! I find ENFJ's tend to beat themselves up a lot....remind them that all their efforts will and do pay off. Tell them how much you appreciate them...remind them they haven't failed even if they haven't seen teh fruit of their efforts yet...but they WILL see it.

Seconded. Verbal affirmation is key. Even if you think that she already knows how much you love her, it'll mean much more to her if you say it out loud, and especially if you put the effort into choosing the right words. A good way might be to put it in writing. Perhaps in the form of a card or letter?

Encourage her and let her know what you like about her specifically. Give examples (like the thing about staying up with the cat) so that she can remember what she's done. Good luck!

[pinkrasputin]

Remind her of her gifts. Remind her of her strong points. Tell her you notice how much effort she puts into caring for others. Remind her that she is a strong person. If you've learned anything from her, now is the time to tell her. Tell her about her impact on those around her.

Hugs. They love hugs. If you remember any success she's had or a time where she felt very proud and confident, try to remind her of that event. Take her back to that place in time. Help her get back into that mind set.

If she is feeling bad or guilty about anything (they are sensitive to this), give her a new perspective so that she can see that she is only human and allowed mistakes, but that she is still a wonderful person.

Pay attention to your tone. Try to convey warmth in your tone and smiles in your expression. They really do care about how someone relays the information to them.

Don't over do it, just be honest. Sometimes they don't know if anyone cares or appreciates them. It means a lot to them if someone does notice the things they do and how hard they try to be good people.

[sharrkmaster]

Remind her of her gifts. Remind her of her strong points. Tell her you notice how much effort she puts into caring for others. Remind her that she is a strong person. If you've learned anything from her, now is the time to tell her. Tell her about her impact on those around her.

Hugs. They love hugs. If you remember any success she's had or a time where she felt very proud and confident, try to remind her of that event. Take her back to that place in time. Help her get back into that mind set.

If she is feeling bad or guilty about anything (they are sensitive to this), give her a new perspective so that she can see that she is only human and allowed mistakes, but that she is still a wonderful person.

Pay attention to your tone. Try to convey warmth in your tone and smiles in your expression. They really do care about how someone relays the information to them.

Don't over do it, just be honest. Sometimes they don't know if anyone cares or appreciates them. It means a lot to them if someone does notice the things they do and how hard they try to be good people.

I couldn't have said it any better. Obviously pink has some experience with ENFJ friends

[Mei]

Anxiety Symptoms and Stress: 8 Patterns

ENFJ - Solitude; Journaling; Start new project; Privacy

For my part as INFP, it says validation of feelings. I think works for the NF side of a temperament.
Why not tell her stories that you remember of her when she did something amazing? I mean, things that you acknowledged and remember at that time, but she may not be aware of it herself? Maybe your sister needed timeout in order to quantify herself and her emotions? As ISTJ, I bet you guys can remember all the facts. Just today, my sister-in-law old me something like, "I told you before of this, at this time etc etc"... And I know she has an absolute good memory. I just never used to listen to her, cos I did not have great trust in her, hence I shut her opinions and words out. When you tell her the stories and experiences that you remember, do back it up with reasons.

For example, I recently contemplated changing careers, and my sister-in-law said to me, "your brother said that you should go into teaching the first time you were made redundant, do you remember?" I said no. She went on to tell me that around that time, there was a high demand for it. (I recall vividly about this fact, but then at the time, I thought it was another control thing.) However, this time round, I asked her to expand on what she meant. She said to me with reasons (she never used to do this before), that I am actually very patient with my nephew when I teach him. (I was very happy that she noticed this of me! Whereas my brother and sister-in-law isn't.) I actually take time to think of the psychological angle that he is trying to grasp the concept when I'm trying to teach him,. I did not realise this, but upon reflection, I realise that I try and fulfill that missing gap.


Stories and experiences of this type will allow your sister to understand what she cannot see and quantify right now. I also could not see the wood for the trees when I was very young. Especially with the P blinding me. I always wished I had a fairy godmother to protect me of my N, and my F.

[kiwigrl]

* retail therapy!
* a spa pedicure with you.
*Take her for a coffee and tell her you want to hear all about how she is feeling and just let her vent. Sometimes just offloading can make an ENFJ feel better, just having been heard.

But it sounds more serious for her, perhaps you need to get her to see a therapist.

When I was a bit depressed once I went and saw someone I trusted and got them to pray for me. That helped.

[kiwigrl]

If she is feeling bad or guilty about anything (they are sensitive to this), give her a new perspective so that she can see that she is only human and allowed mistakes, but that she is still a wonderful person.

Sometimes they don't know if anyone cares or appreciates them. It means a lot to them if someone does notice the things they do and how hard they try to be good people.

These comments really ring true with me. See why we need ENFP friends, they can make sense of us even when we can't.