This is a discussion on Do you think ENFPs are flaky? within the ENFJ Forum - The Givers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
Four of my best friends are ENFJs. They surround me and approach me. It's weird. We make wonderful friends. But they do like to problem solve. So if you just want to complain, tell them that you just want to complain. They will appreciate it, otherwise they will knock themselves out trying to come up with a solution to your problem. Warn them in advance that you didn't want answers. Haha.
My ex husband was an ENFJ. We were married for 8 years. I believe him to be a very dark example of an ENFJ. But in the beginning, I married him because he was incredible flexible and appeared to like me for who I am. ENFJs tend to like being the position of "helper". I think he saw me as a sweet docile woman. Hahaha. I am a lot stronger now. He inspired me to go beyond and outside of the box. But I also found him suffocating. I felt he nearly strangled me. I needed him to have his own life too.
Eventually he turned violent and domestic violence ensued the last couple of years. I am currently in a very stressful and complex court battle against this man. We have been divorced for 4 years, separated for 7, and he still wants control over my life. He is a very passionate man. He is quite emotional. He also uses emotional words to manipulate people. He says what he thinks the people want to hear, he will bring them food, put on your coat, and give you a tissue. He is refined and elegant. But if you are the opposite sex and don't like him, he will destroy you by any means possible and sometimes do it with a smile still on his face. He is very used to manipulating women and people.
Right now my ENFJ ex husband is currently harrassing my ENFJ best friend. It is interesting to hear her translate his motives. This woman will fight fire for me and use her emotions and knowledge of people to help them. He is using his understanding of people to get anything he wants.
One thing I would really say to do often for an ENFJ, is to remind them about how much their gestures mean to you. Or point out how they have helped you in some way. I know my girlfriend likes to hear that she was the one who first discovered something important that I needed to do. She likes to know she has made an impact in a positive way on my life or other people's. She wants that validation.
Also, I believe ENFJs get hurt so much more easily than I do. I don't really care about social conventions. But they really want to be treated well and talked to politely. If you were to change your tone or tell them something blunt be very careful. Some can take it, some can't.
I see the relationship with my ENFJs as me being their counselor. I help them see a different perspective and figure out the reasons why other's behave to way they do. I help them to put their mental energies back on themselves and how powerful they are. There is no doubt that they are "good inside". They often take my advice and my ideas right away. It's exciting to see.
ENFJs help me problem solve and put things into action. Practical things. Yes, the focus on the "hear and now" and sometimes it splits my head apart. But I ned to get there anyway, so thank God for ENFJs. They also network a lot. I do too, but my ENFJ friends to do what I call "sell out" more than me. Meaning, if I don't like someone, I don't care to play "nice" due to social conventions or where that connection can get me. But my ENFJ friends tend to connect with socially because of where it could get them. But then they also set themselves up when they realize these people aren't worthy of their time or efforts.
ENFJs confide in me. They really can and do tell me everything. I find my ENFJ friends EXTREMELY chatty. Hahaha. They also like to be around people way more than me.
In regards to ENFPs, I have had a romantic relationship with an ENFP who is still a very good friend. I also have one ENFP girlfriend. It's weird when we are in a group together. It's like there is this struggle to be the ENFP of the group. Lol. But one on one, they give me POWERFUL advice. It usually makes a deep impact on me and they respect me as a person. I KNOW they believe in me and my strength. I trust them whole heartedly with their answer. It's usually in line with my own belief system.
I don't like romantic relationships with ENFP/ENFP, it's a little sexier to have slight difference. But it was a blast when I was with ENFP. It was like fairy tale land. But it did fizzle out. Well actually, we are still friends 17 years later so I shouldn't say "fizzle". ENFPs are very respectful people. But they also pull back once they've made a connection. I do that too. I'll be there for you deeply, but it's hard to integrate you everywhere in my life. In contrast, ENFJs can and will integrate you everywhere if they like you.
I don't think my ENFP friends are flaky. But consider the source. I happen to enjoy it when people cancel. It lets me know I can cancel and they won't take it personally. But I do think I'm flaky.
Last edited by pinkrasputin; 07-29-2010 at 05:07 PM.
Yes, I realized this the other day when my boyfriend and I went to the movie Inception. I left the film rattling on and on about how we knew we were really here at all whereas he still maintained a sharp view of what was real and not real without question. I am always questioning everything to the point where I can barely function. I didn't say it was better but every type thinks theirs is the best! I don't actually think mine is the best anymore. Now that I have questioned even that. And I think there are definitely some good things about being a judger. However, I am stuck questioning whether it is possible for me to change to being a judger or if I can just be more of a judger how to accomplish that and what the consequences will be. And on and on. I think another major difference is that perceivers have to be in the mood to do things and judgers just do them anyway.
pinkrasputin, thank you so much for that post. Everything you said was just so helpful. I really liked the part about ENFPs fighting over who will be the ENFP of the group. I have felt that way when I have been romantically involved with ENFPs, too. And your ex husband sounds a lot like an ENTJ I used to date. I can tell you mean that it depends on the person and not the personality type. Anyone can use their powers for good or for evil. I am so going to remember to be grateful to ENFJs. I have found that my ENFP friends give me powerful advice too. That's why I keep them around and prefer to hang out with them one on one. My ENFP friend and I can say anything to each other. I call him "A-hole," etc. It's nice to have a level of comfort with someone where you can say anything and laugh because you really know what the other person is feeling about you. I can't do that with ENFJs. It's like you always have to be polite which isn't super fun. I wonder if that level of psychological distance is present between ENFP and other types. And if it is only between ENFPs that understanding like that can be reached. Where you feel almost like you understand the other person completely. And it's just so comforting.
hah, the question about enfp/enfj compatibilty is high on my list as well, since i happen to be dating one right now, and sometimes i just can't help to wonder about (or even be annoyed with) things that he does.
though i understand that such irritations stem from the differences in our leading functions, it still seems so..hopeless sometimes, difficult to cope with. i think the most difficult part is that enfps don't fit in with our extroverted feeling frame of reference that makes us almost slavish to respecting others' needs. at least my boyfriend just says something like "why do you care so much about what those other people think?" when i scold him for being unsensitive to someone or try to make him think about what consequences his actions will have on anyone aside himself.
for now i think that eventually enfps and enfjs are compatible just like any two types, any two people that have fallen for each other or become friends - it might just take slightly more work than maintaining a relationship with our dual or equal or whatnot that fits better. and since us enfjs are so ready to adjust..we might as well make it real good, if we are all into it. it's just that it might not be the best idea, since, well, it's better if both parties try to compromise when in a relationships, but from the enfps i know, even though they are all very, very wonderful people, the need for compromise (especially if something that they hold "basic" or a "value" of theirs has to be put up for a compromise) is incomprehensible to them - they just go their way and you either have to live with it or, pardon my french, fuck off. and that can result in enfps being annoyed too much about the fact that the enfj is asking for something so "irrational" and that, in turn, can eventually wear everyone out, which is definitely a huge threat for the relationship.
I think it's just so baffling to me that you all seem to have the same complaints that I have about some of my ENFJ friends. I had this ENFJ girlfriend once who I believed only thought or cared about manipulating others to get what she wanted. She found ways to trick and trap her ENFP boyfriend (ex now) and she consulted me on how to accomplish it. I jokingly told her how assuming she wouldn't want to be with someone that way. How remarkable it was to me when she actually did it. I think maybe ENFJs and ENFPs see different elements of how our actions affect other people. Sometimes it is necessary to piss people off. And maybe it's more destructive to avoid confrontation sometimes than to hit it head on.
For example, my ENFJ friend who manipulated her ENFP boyfriend. He told her the truth: "We are not compatible, I'm only sleeping with you because I'm horny..." etc. Although these things made her upset and made her cry, she continued to put herself in that position. And then she made herself look like the victim to everybody else by complaining that he was using her.
I've been frustrated with my ENFJ boyfriend for refusing to admit in a conversation that there are any problems in our relationship.
Maybe these aren't problems that all ENFJs have. If they aren't, then, oh boy, have I met a lucky few who don't fit the typical portrait of an ENFJ.
I think I have your answer though. You said you wanted to admit there are problems in your relationship. Honestly, that shows chinks in our armor. I don't like discussing my failures just tell me how to fix it! I don't want to hear or talk about how we are doomed for failure. Tell him how to succeed! Tell him what you want and what you need. Right to the point! Talking about problems and looking for issues in my mind is a waste of time or poor use of time. Build up not tear down. My best advice: RELAX! You need to stop and not only smell the roses but enjoy them too. Don't spend time thinking about when the roses will die.
Okay, I'm seeing your point now. For real. See, (and here I go pointing out a problem again) but I personally have to search to figure out what the heck is bothering me exactly. Are you saying that I shouldn't involve him in the process of me figuring out what the problem is? Well, in any regard that's what I'm taking away from all of this. And I appreciate that because I think you're right that involving him in that process is probably bothering him more than the actual problems would. And I think he thinks I'm telling him to tell me out right when he's upset about something which when he does it really doesn't give any room for debate about what the problem is exactly. He's pretty forthright about it. Lol. We are so different but I think I'm starting to understand more now. You guys are very different about emotions. My emotions are so flipping complex and confusing because they're all tangled up in my perceptions--I feel like I have to sift through flour to see what they are at all. Your emotions are so much more present.
It's just when I consult my ENFP friends to figure out where the root of a specific problem lies I end up with solutions like: "He might be the best boyfriend you've ever had but you've got to dump him because you're not compatible. Some people are compatible some people aren't."
Bad Approach: You don't do this right!
Good Approach: I get mad/uncomfortable when X happens. How can I/we fix it?
Asking us in the form of a question would help the situation. We like helping as opposed to being the problem.
For me I tell my "Look you don't have to beat me up on the issue I already did for you!" when I make mistakes I really really really beat myself up more than you will. I have apologized people to death!
If he truly makes you happy then thats what really matters!
Sometimes but any types can be flaky.