[ENFJ] Do you push people away when they get too close? - Page 6

Do you push people away when they get too close?

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This is a discussion on Do you push people away when they get too close? within the ENFJ Forum - The Givers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; @ the OP: Sometimes. It depends. I have best friends of all types (ENFP, INFP, INTJ, ESFP, ESTJ), and I ...

  1. #51
    ENFJ - The Givers

    @ the OP: Sometimes. It depends. I have best friends of all types (ENFP, INFP, INTJ, ESFP, ESTJ), and I relate to them all very very well, so it's not an issue of understanding. Generally I think I embrace new friendships and want to make them as close as possible, but I'm always afraid of offending the close friends I already have by trying to take on new friends, so I have to be careful. I'm already "fought over" enough as it is, so... I don't know. And yes, as Benedox said, we DO think about these things. I tend to focus on what other people will feel when I make my decisions (Fe dominant ).

    I think it happens waaaaaaayyyyyy more frequently with friends of the opposite sex. I rarely have trouble with developing and maintaining healthy and emotionally-intimate female friendships. But with guys.... I don't know. I'm always antsy about sharing too much.
    lantern, smiley, Benedox and 2 others thanked this post.

  2. #52
    ENFJ - The Givers

    Quote Originally Posted by thehigher View Post
    AH I am projecting xD
    My slow mind didn't understand your joke. What was it?

  3. #53
    INFP - The Idealists


    Quote Originally Posted by jdmn View Post
    Now I think it's a matter of courage and determination. We ENFJ guys, well, for me at least, we really want to be everyone's friend, and we're search to connect with people. But at time you manage to win a little trust, we get scared, we realize we made it but we're afraid to continue it on... it's so, overwhelming, over stimulating, strong, I don't think the fear of being hurt is the reason we push people away. We have this feelings when we win trust and confidence in people. That's why we have to be determined to continue the friendships we want, assimilate the feelings and going on.

    It's my opinion.. you can disagree with me! I never really though what I wrote.
    Quote Originally Posted by jdmn View Post
    My slow mind didn't understand your joke. What was it?
    The bold is the reason why I said that. I insinuated that the reason why enfjs push people away is because they are afraid of being hurt. Since I just randomly assumed that I just made a joke by saying "I must be projecting". Your mind isn't slow! I just say weird stuff.
    jdmn and Lady Lullaby thanked this post.

  4. #54
    ENFJ - The Givers

    Quote Originally Posted by Benedox View Post
    Yep, I push people away too. I feel like people want to keep me for themselves, and this freaks me out. I guess this is why I avoid labels such as "best friends." Seriously, yikes!
    im like this ALL the time, when someone calls me their best friend.. i get all skittish...

    I hate when someone asks me what am I doing that night, and I know they want to hang out with me, but i already made plans, and i know some see me as their best friend, so when I don't hang with them they get butthurt. so time to push away.

    I think thats why I dont get so close to people, I know i hang with a ton of people, and having people get close just complicates things.

    I just feel like everything should be equal, even my attention should be spread equally among my friends!!!
    lantern, walkawaysun09, Benedox and 1 others thanked this post.

  5. #55
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Benedox, LadyAnime, Lantern, Smiley, you guys are ME haha- you know what I mean. I keep copying things you say and want to quote here and say - YES, Exactly! But then I realize it would become this whole thread quoted in one post so I decided I'd better hold off. I wish I were a member when this thread was started - I just found it and want to chime in.

    I think I've been the mommy of 100 children before (thanks higher - you are soo smart - unbelievably so!). I've been the one that only has friends who come and dump and leave me wondering where 'my' real friends are. I've been the one who pulled away from a friend who wanted to keep me for themselves. .
    I think a lot of this is just wanting to fill our hole within ourselves with enfj's. WE feel empty and they fill us so we become over reliant on them.... territorial over OUR enfj. What are they .... the ring?
    This rocked by the way! But it is so true. I've also been the one who kept distance because I saw Pain with a 'capital P' on its way.

    BUT - - I've been changing my approach to friendships lately. I am not satisfied with trying to be everything to everyone anymore. It didn't work for starters, and I find that I want to find others who have something to give, I want to find others who "need" less, and I want to find others who understand me enough to bring out the best in me, not the 'let me save you' part of myself. THIS IS HARD TO FIND! Especially when you've had a history of being the 'let me save you' person in their life! So what do I do? Start over? I can't really wipe people from my life...unless it was really unhealthy. So I'm left with trying to be a new me with people who only see the old me. So maybe those I'm working this through see it as me pushing them away because they were too close...but it isn't that for me...I'm trying to help us both become happier through being healthier. Does that make sense?
    And lastly, to Omar
    You run away from us when you think you're in danger or have become "too close" to someone and come back when you feel safe again and then repeat that cycle over and over.
    I don't know what option we have with some personalities. Because if I shared with them what I've just written, they would want to spend hours talking about how to become more healthy so they could be the kind of friend I was looking for and I'd want them to be that friend too - - but I would be falling back into the old 'let me help you' mode instead of feeling I had an equal partnership of them being healthy, me being healthy, and we cheer each other on.

    Now- that isn't to say I don't want to be there for loved ones and support them - -I'm just going through a phase of trying to decide - - Who can I REALLY support? Certainly it ISN'T fair for me to claim that role for as many people as I try to. I think this pulling back is what is making me feel a lot down about myself ...I just don't know the right thing to do. I love people too much and I can't possibly choose who to let go of - - so I rotate - -and thus the feelings Omar talked about.
    Kalifornia310, lantern and smiley thanked this post.

  6. #56
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Speaking of friendships - I was having a sh*t day today because I'd been feeling dog tired ill since yesterday, then I did some cognitive restructuring and had a good old moan to my second sister and then I felt better.

    I realise that I don't have many friends who I can confide in, the ones where I can just feel completely comfortable calling up out of the blue and say "I feel like crap, please cheer me up."
    I USED to, in my teens that is.
    I need to make more friends who are like me....can't wait to move back down to the city and join up some meetup groups. It's so QUIET here
    Why aren't all you amazing people in the UK?? why oh why?
    smiley thanked this post.

  7. #57
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Old thread, but having this issue with an ENFJ friend....

    Yes, I have feelings for him, but he has decided that he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all ever again. We have always been just friends and it has never crossed any boundaries into anything else. Deep down, I think he does have deeper feelings for me, but he has turned them off because he doesn't want to go there.

    There seems to be a lot of push/pull in our relationship. He seems to get so close and then a wall goes up and I feel like I get put in my place. He draws me in and draws me in and then says the equivalent of "we're friends, I have lots of friends that I talk to, I treat you like everyone else" although I know that he does not exactly treat me like everyone else. It's like a cycle that we've gone through over and over again. Just for the record, I am never clingy or pushy or give any indications that I expect more from him. I can never identify anything from my end that has made him back off. It seems to come from his side of things.

    I take that back a little....There has been a few times where I have had strong feelings and I decide or realize that he's never going to do anything more than just be friends with me and I pull away. I do this only to protect myself from more pain. I think "ok, I'm going to separate myself from him and get over him". I think he has gotten confused and maybe a little hurt when I have done this. He always sucks me back in though. I finally gave up on that and decided that I'd rather embrace the friendship than not have him in my life at all.

    Recently, he's done the pull away thing again. He doesn't really go anywhere - he still texts me often and we see each other socially in group settings, but there is no personal talk. It is all surface and silliness. I know I was 'in' before, but now there's a wall around him.

    Part of me just wants to be like 'fine, you want to stay superficial, I'll stay superficial', but I know that's not who he really is. I've been let in before and I think he trusts me and likes me. Maybe other people have reacted a certain way to his pulling away and backed off and that reinforces his need to back away? I have no idea.

    My dilemma is....
    I like this guy - friend or more. He's very unique and special to me. I don't want a superficial relationship with him. We know each other better than that.

    Do I respect his wishes and just keep the surface friendship going until he comes around again craving a closer friendship?

    Do I pull away too and convey "if you don't want a real friendship, then I don't want this"?

    Do I not back down so easily and be personal even though he's put me back at arm's length?

    Is this his fear of getting hurt? Or is he just so determined not to get in a relationship that he puts this wedge in?

    Is this a test to see if I'm like everyone else and will just let him back away?

    Does he really just want this out of our friendship/relationship?

  8. #58
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by mimi4383 View Post
    Old thread, but having this issue with an ENFJ friend....

    Yes, I have feelings for him, but he has decided that he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all ever again. We have always been just friends and it has never crossed any boundaries into anything else. Deep down, I think he does have deeper feelings for me, but he has turned them off because he doesn't want to go there.

    There seems to be a lot of push/pull in our relationship. He seems to get so close and then a wall goes up and I feel like I get put in my place. He draws me in and draws me in and then says the equivalent of "we're friends, I have lots of friends that I talk to, I treat you like everyone else" although I know that he does not exactly treat me like everyone else. It's like a cycle that we've gone through over and over again. Just for the record, I am never clingy or pushy or give any indications that I expect more from him. I can never identify anything from my end that has made him back off. It seems to come from his side of things.

    I take that back a little....There has been a few times where I have had strong feelings and I decide or realize that he's never going to do anything more than just be friends with me and I pull away. I do this only to protect myself from more pain. I think "ok, I'm going to separate myself from him and get over him". I think he has gotten confused and maybe a little hurt when I have done this. He always sucks me back in though. I finally gave up on that and decided that I'd rather embrace the friendship than not have him in my life at all.

    Recently, he's done the pull away thing again. He doesn't really go anywhere - he still texts me often and we see each other socially in group settings, but there is no personal talk. It is all surface and silliness. I know I was 'in' before, but now there's a wall around him.

    Part of me just wants to be like 'fine, you want to stay superficial, I'll stay superficial', but I know that's not who he really is. I've been let in before and I think he trusts me and likes me. Maybe other people have reacted a certain way to his pulling away and backed off and that reinforces his need to back away? I have no idea.

    My dilemma is....
    I like this guy - friend or more. He's very unique and special to me. I don't want a superficial relationship with him. We know each other better than that.

    Do I respect his wishes and just keep the surface friendship going until he comes around again craving a closer friendship?

    Do I pull away too and convey "if you don't want a real friendship, then I don't want this"?

    Do I not back down so easily and be personal even though he's put me back at arm's length?

    Is this his fear of getting hurt? Or is he just so determined not to get in a relationship that he puts this wedge in?

    Is this a test to see if I'm like everyone else and will just let him back away?

    Does he really just want this out of our friendship/relationship?
    This push/pull interaction is causing you a lot of distress. For some reason or another, he doesn't want to get too close. You deserve better than that. I say you put some serious restrictions on your friendship with him (move him into the acquaintance realm) and go out and meet new guys. Find one who is willing to get that serious, deep connection with you.

  9. #59
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Yeah, I hear you on that Iselia. I've done the acquaintance route with him and I do meet other guys. It's just that we've known each other for a while now and we are friends. He just seems to freak out from time to time and back off.

    Any ENFJs out there have this feeling? Would you want the person you're backing away from to just let it go?

  10. #60
    ENFJ - The Givers

    Oh God Yes I Do! I don't understand WHY I do it. Guess its a defense mechanism?


 
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