[walkawaysun09]

I realize that I have a flawed way of dealing with the interrogating questions and problems that come with fighting with certain people in my life. Significant others, my mom, my sister, some of my friends...the people I truly do care about.



What I mean by this is, when I get into the point of where I realize that there is a "fight brewing", it begins to feel like I'm cornered, and I can't say anything "right" if I'm dealing with someone who is as emotional as I am. I back into a corner and just randomly say things to answer questions, trying to get them to change the subject until the fight is over. Things came to a head last night for a while with someone very close to me, and i felt terrible for reverting into my instinctual nature without thinking about what I was saying, just trying to give yes/no answers and minimal explanations and not knowing what I was really saying as well as beating myself up on the inside for not being able to say what I wanted to really say when I was feeling emotionally upset and like i was being attacked.

Do any other ENFJ's, or NF's in general do this? Do you back into a corner and "internally cry" when fights happen, just trying to get through whatever questions until it's over, not always realizing how much you are hurting the other person. Also, if anyone has any techniques for calming down in the future for when things like that occur in the future, be it with significant other, mother, or whatever.

[smiley]

This is classic ENFJ in my opinion. Although I would say that in my case I get into a very defensive mode and I take things very personally. I think I am being personally attacked and I do whatever I can to get out of that situation and sometimes it involves tossing out random answers that I don't really mean or haven't really thought through. This has improved a lot over the years and I am more able to let my emotions simmer down a little and to see things from the other person's perspective a little bit- even in that supercharged moment.

Don't beat yourself up. If you said something you didn't mean, you can call and apologize... you can say- as I often find myself saying... I stand by what I said about X, but my response to Y was overblown and I didn't mean it. I was hurt by Z.

Hope that helps.

[kiwigrl]

My nature is to always try to avoid confrontation. I'd get a sick feeling in my stomach when I knew that I had done something that was going to result in conflict.
I would rather that it just went away, but if someone wrongs me I will generally weigh it up and if it is something that I would fester about for ages then I say something. If it is a small detail or I don't care enough about that person to resolve it then I will try and ignore/ get over it. Obviously if I care alot about the person then I will try and get back to the easy feeling I had before the issue came up.
If I am in the wrong then I will say sorry but if I get pounded by the other person I get all defensive and if they deal some nasty blows I will try and match or better them.

In hind sight these fights are sometimes laughable but not at the time. For instance I had a fight with hubbie once and he said something along the lines of "well go then and see if I follow you" to which I answered "No I'm not going, I'll get the house in the end anyway!" I can't even remember now what it was over LOL.

[Buck]

I used to get very defensive, and take it very personally, as Smiley says. However, I have learned temper it. Having been married now for 20 years, I now react very much like Kiwigirl.

Yep, she gets the house, and knows it! LOL..

[kiwigrl]

Btw, these arguments are usually when one or both of us are tired and/or stressed, and only about twice have we not resolved it the same day. I am a strong believer in "don't let the sun go down on your anger".