[Kymlee]

hmm interesting thought: I wonder if I'm not a huge priority to them because they know I don't "need" them. In fact, I want to take CARE of THEM....

This post, and pretty much this whole thread reminds me of that movie called "Nanny McPhee"



when Nanny McPhee was addressing the children and said "When you don't want me, but you need me, I will be here, but when you want me, and no longer need me, I will be gone."

I think a lot of ENFJ's end up following that quote subconsciously because of the necessity of feeling needed.
hmm.

thoughts? I dunno if anyone else has seen that movie... (Colin Firth starred in it)
just brought it to mind for me.

[lantern]

Okay, first it seems as though ENFJ are depicted like Jesus. Are ENFJs always actively always on the go to help/give to people. Cos I'm uhhh.....not. I know when someone is upset and need support, doesn't matter if I know them really well or hardly at all I will help them and talk to them and comfort them until they feel better, or say 'let's go for coffee and chat' something like that, and it doesn't matter if I know them really well or not I 'check' up on them and see if they're okay, and if they are I say 'I'm always around if you need me, call me, doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night', and if they're not then I talk to them some more.
It really gets me to me when people feel bad about themselves and talk themselves down, and I HATE MYSELF if I done something (unintentionally) that made someone feel bad about themselves...it's a sickening feeling. I go and say sorry like a million times

I don't really get people chasing me, calling me to spend time with them, there was this one time in my life when I was REALLY sociable and people kept calling me, but then I didn't like it cos I wanted some time alone :/

I get friends/work colleagues/family coming to me to talk about their problems, I've been told so many times that I would make a great counsellor, because I'm easy to talk to, and people tend to open up to me very easily - which surprises me. But I'm not aware that I had that kind of effect on people. There have been times when males think I 'like' them...and they start to look at me differently.

Oops...I have gone off the topic here, I think?

Anyway, I'm not as 'giving' as I used to be, because I realise that I wasn't giving myself the chance to meet my needs and wants. I was so helpful that the people in my old workplace came to me 'can you do this? can you do that?' and I would always say yes....then work overload. Although I was very much valued, and people were amazed that the nastiest adviser in the dept there actually liked me working for her, and was nice to me. I was so giving to my first love, I bent over backwards to help him get into college so he could study Art, I helped him fill out his form, I bought art tools and equipment for him, he wanted new clothes so I bought him some. I tried to help improve his relationship with his mum, going back and forths with them both trying to make things better. If he was unhappy I blamed myself, and it took a whole year for me to break up with him because I thought I could make things better by being different and more helpful but it didn't work. I helped his best mate and wrote a poem for his fashion show so he could make it into a banner etc etc.
Recently, my niece was depressed at one point so I got her to come round on the weekends so we could spend some time together and I listened to all her troubles....OMG phew I did so much for people mostly in my 20s...it was tiring but I loved helping, but who was left out? ME. So I've learnt to put myself first...most times...or else my life wasn't going to progress as I want it to, because in the past it was always about others and their happiness.

Wah! I have gone on for a bit...but hopefully Charlie you will understand that sometimes it is exhausting to give, and I have learnt to be more selfish just so I can take care of me more.

I don't even know for sure what MBTI type I am, NF or SF....but that's my side of the story. Hope I didn't bore you!

[lantern]

Actually I did that mypersonality.info questionnaire and I came out as ENFJ, but I'm gonna wait until I get my other result which I did on paper with my mbti practitioner who's my ENFJ friend.

[Tongue Tied]

ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.

TRADEMARK: "The first shall be last"
This refers to the open-door policy of ENFJs. One ENFJ colleague always welcomes me into his office regardless of his own circumstances. If another person comes to the door, he allows them to interrupt our conversation with their need. While discussing that need, the phone rings and he stops to answer it. Others drop in with a 'quick question.' I finally get up, go to my office and use the call waiting feature on the telephone. When he hangs up, I have his undivided attention!
Functional Analysis:

Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted Feeling rules the ENFJ's psyche. In the sway of this rational function, these folks are predisposed to closure in matters pertaining to people, and especially on behalf of their beloved. As extraverts, their contacts are wide ranging. Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.
Introverted iNtuition
Like their INFJ cousins, ENFJs are blessed through introverted intuition with clarity of perception in the inner, unconscious world. Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves. In less balanced individuals, such mitigation of the unseemly eventually undermines the ENFJ's integrity and frequently their good name. In healthier individuals, deft use of this awareness of the inner needs and desires of others enables this astute type to win friends, influence people, and avoid compromising entanglements.
The dynamic nature of their intuition moves ENFJs from one project to another with the assurance that the next one will be perfect, or much more nearly so than the last. ENFJs are continually looking for newer and better solutions to benefit their extensive family, staff, or organization.

Extraverted Sensing
Sensing is extraverted. ENFJs can manage details, particularly those necessary to implement the prevailing vision. These data have, however, a magical flexible quality. Something to be bought can be had for a song; the same something is invaluable when it's time to sell. (We are not certain, but we suspect that such is the influence of the primary function.) This wavering of sensory perception is made possible by the weaker and less mature status with which the tertiary is endowed.
Introverted Thinking
Introverted Thinking is least apparent and most enigmatic in this type. In fact, it often appears only when summoned by Feeling. At times only in jest, but in earnest if need be, Thinking entertains as logical only those conclusions which support Feeling's values. Other scenarios can be shown invalid or at best significantly inferior. Such "Thinking in the service of Feeling" has the appearance of logic, but somehow it never quite adds up.
Introverted Thinking is frequently the focus of the spiritual quest of ENFJs. David's lengthiest psalm, 119, pays it homage. "Law," "precept," "commandment," "statute:" these essences of inner thinking are the mysteries of Deity for which this great Feeler's soul searched.

[kiwigrl]

tells me in person that we need to hang out, then never contacts me about it and i can never get a hold of her unless i happen to run into her while at work

I am guilty of hanging out with people who I genuinely enjoy, then saying I will phone and not doing it. Sometimes I simply forget or sometimes I just don't want to have a phone conversation. I prefer face to face contact. Phones not so much these days.

Actually I had a friend mention this stuff to me after already having decided to give up on me and I truly had no idea how she felt or what I was doing until she told me when I probed. So I am trying to appreciate that sometimes I have to do stuff I don't want to do in order that my friends don't get taken for granted. I am also guilty of saying that I want to have people over for dinner and it sometimes doesn't happen. Although that is often because I have to be aware of my INFJ hubbie not wanting as much interacting as I want, and also I over commit myself.

[kiwigrl]

Okay, first it seems as though ENFJ are depicted like Jesus. Are ENFJs always actively always on the go to help/give to people. Cos I'm uhhh.....not. I know when someone is upset and need support, doesn't matter if I know them really well or hardly at all I will help them and talk to them and comfort them until they feel better, or say 'let's go for coffee and chat' something like that, and it doesn't matter if I know them really well or not I 'check' up on them and see if they're okay, and if they are I say 'I'm always around if you need me, call me, doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night', and if they're not then I talk to them some more.
It really gets me to me when people feel bad about themselves and talk themselves down, and I HATE MYSELF if I done something (unintentionally) that made someone feel bad about themselves...it's a sickening feeling. I go and say sorry like a million times

I don't really get people chasing me, calling me to spend time with them, there was this one time in my life when I was REALLY sociable and people kept calling me, but then I didn't like it cos I wanted some time alone :/

I get friends/work colleagues/family coming to me to talk about their problems, I've been told so many times that I would make a great counsellor, because I'm easy to talk to, and people tend to open up to me very easily - which surprises me. But I'm not aware that I had that kind of effect on people. There have been times when males think I 'like' them...and they start to look at me differently.

Oops...I have gone off the topic here, I think?

Anyway, I'm not as 'giving' as I used to be, because I realise that I wasn't giving myself the chance to meet my needs and wants. I was so helpful that the people in my old workplace came to me 'can you do this? can you do that?' and I would always say yes....then work overload. Although I was very much valued, and people were amazed that the nastiest adviser in the dept there actually liked me working for her, and was nice to me. I was so giving to my first love, I bent over backwards to help him get into college so he could study Art, I helped him fill out his form, I bought art tools and equipment for him, he wanted new clothes so I bought him some. I tried to help improve his relationship with his mum, going back and forths with them both trying to make things better. If he was unhappy I blamed myself, and it took a whole year for me to break up with him because I thought I could make things better by being different and more helpful but it didn't work. I helped his best mate and wrote a poem for his fashion show so he could make it into a banner etc etc.
Recently, my niece was depressed at one point so I got her to come round on the weekends so we could spend some time together and I listened to all her troubles....OMG phew I did so much for people mostly in my 20s...it was tiring but I loved helping, but who was left out? ME. So I've learnt to put myself first...most times...or else my life wasn't going to progress as I want it to, because in the past it was always about others and their happiness.

Wah! I have gone on for a bit...but hopefully Charlie you will understand that sometimes it is exhausting to give, and I have learnt to be more selfish just so I can take care of me more.

I don't even know for sure what MBTI type I am, NF or SF....but that's my side of the story. Hope I didn't bore you!

I agree with alot of this stuff, and I am in a simiar place. I have held back my giving lately because I needed some time to give to myself. Some people just drain you.

[Kalifornia310]

OKAY!!!! so i do this alot, I mean alot.. lemme take you to the begining... ::Memory Flashback Music::
So im going through life making friends with everything that moves, and because of my MAJOR fear of being unloved I try to hold onto to every connection that i make with people for as long as possible. well over the years ive held on to so many connections with people that my attention is spread thin. so unless your in my core group of friends then ill wont see you for another couple of months. i gotto make my rounds with everyone and make sure the invisible connection is still there and still going strong.


other times, Its just i forget, I say yes to pretty much anything, and if several people ask, sometimes youll fall through the cracks.. which of course is never done purposefully. and apologies if that has happened...

sadly, a few times some friends are more of a priority then others. they may need some advice or a hug. they may also just be more fun then others.

It takes energy to hang out with people, sometimes i just dont wanna asimilate to your energy level, i mean seriously im tired and just used up a lot of my energy during the day, i needa cool down

We are the givers, we give help, love, advice, friendship, but in the end, when people are done receiving, they go and do their own thing. So we move on to the next person who needs our assistance. It's like we have a huge Rolodex, and we have memorized each person in there, but we are constantly flipping through to see who needs help, and we never actually build on our relationships more, which in turn can make others feel like we don't care about them anymore, or enough.

yeah i have this problem as well, i think its a common enfj problem.

I think part of it is that they care for so many people so deeply. In order to care for so many people.... and show them all equally how much they care..... you have to be in a lot of places.... and that means saying no to someone sometimes if the other person is in more need. Remember their first function is Fe.... that's what they use to make their decisions for the most part (yea Ti once in awhile) but basically they are doing things based on other peoples feelings... and feelings... are freakin hard to manage.... and they are in charge of it...... a lot of different peoples feelings and needs. Trying to remember who wants this at what time... may be hard when you are so aware of the feelings of others. So yea.... it's a hard job being an enfj.... and yes..... it can be kind of annoying especially if all you want is to see them... if it really bothers you... id let them know how much it bothers you.... they may or may not do anything about it honestly. But otherwise.... trust that they are doing their best.... I mean they are the givers.... it's not like they don't hang out with you for selfish purposes (even if they do they give so much that they deserve it)

that's just my opinion doh

valid opinion, tis true words. it is draining and time consuming to hang with everyone. im trying my best,

However i would like to bring up that when i go through moods i tend to choose who I hang with based on how that person will affect me. if im feeling down, which i have been lately, then ill just hang with people who i know will bring me out of the slum im in, the others will be ignored and dealt with later.

I am guilty of hanging out with people who I genuinely enjoy, then saying I will phone and not doing it. Sometimes I simply forget or sometimes I just don't want to have a phone conversation. I prefer face to face contact. Phones not so much these days.

Actually I had a friend mention this stuff to me after already having decided to give up on me and I truly had no idea how she felt or what I was doing until she told me when I probed. So I am trying to appreciate that sometimes I have to do stuff I don't want to do in order that my friends don't get taken for granted. I am also guilty of saying that I want to have people over for dinner and it sometimes doesn't happen. Although that is often because I have to be aware of my INFJ hubbie not wanting as much interacting as I want, and also I over commit myself.

has never been more true! i cant stand talking on the phone anymore, i need face to face communication

[Shadow1980]

definite J's. WHICH IS WHY I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!

It makes me feel like I'm not a priority to them. As I said before, this isn't about one ENFJ encounter one time, this is an observation I gathered from about 5 ENFJ's I personally know, and about 5 other ENFJ's that friends/ family know over MANY occasions-- months/ years. I have mentioned it to them, and they apologize and feel terrible.. and then they do it again.

Since you're an ENFJ, do you have any theories as to why? or have you ever done this to someone?

I know what you mean about not feeling like a priority when people don't call back. Personally, I've learned to notice early if I am interacting with this type of friend. If I discover I am, they don't become a close friend. It's nothing against them. I know you can be a wonderful person and behave this way. I just realize it hurts my feelings, and would rather avoid hurt feelings.

Or maybe you like ENFJ's but they don't make good friends for you? It sounds like you need more one on one time? I'd say I am extremely responsible and reliable but it's hard to get one on one time with me. I have so much going on and so many people in my life. And I don't know if this is just me or an ENFJ thing generally, but when I love you I love you for life. I don't necessarily feel the urge to spend every waking moment with you. My feelings won't change. They are always there. My close friends tend to understand this and not care that they may not see me for months at a time. Kind of like a quality over quantity thing.

[Shadow1980]

yea i know right? They don't seem to want it though.... but I think they do..... maybe they don't.... confusing creatures they are. I wonder if I am not a huge priority in their lives as well. I just assume I am not so that I don't get let down or personally hurt by anything. If I am a priority they will make sure I know about it. Doesn't mean they don't love you though.... it's just that they love a lot of people. Imagine a mother with 100 children whom she loves all unconditionally. Think you might get a little attention hungry? Prolly. That's why I just sit there and play with my toys.

Dear the higher: I love you.

[thehigher]

Dear the higher: I love you.

And then they pull this charm kind of stuff that makes you want to stop playing with your toys.