[Optimus]

Hello, I just wanted to clear some things out because it seems like Perfectionism and Criticism has finally become a hot topic as our ENFJ section is starting to grow. I really want all ENFJs to know that, if you are an ENFJ, then we firmly understand each other when we say that we don't take criticism too well. It kills us, especially when we're simply trying to "help" those around us. But what exactly does it mean to help those around us? Are you sure its not just another way for us to have control over others? We should all try and work on this because it really is a drawback of being an ENFJ. When I get criticized I tend to over-think it for days.

First, perfectionism can bring out great results, but there are times when it just gets out-of-control and becomes a sickness to ENFJs. Its a very fine balance that I personally have to work on.

Being a perfectionist doesn't mean you're great, it actually means you're a procrastinator. Perfectionism is just another form of procrastination. If you thought you were almighty and high class because you thought you're perfect, think again. Feeling perfect is just another form of positive thinking, but being naive is a different story.

The first thing I need to clarify is that not being able to take criticism doesn't just entirely stem from being ENFJ, but it actually comes from the fact that we are too obssesive with control and thrive to transcend above human limits (aka. perfectionists) When we are perfectionists, we live in the future, our goals, and get bored with the present. Let me tell you this though, perfectionism isn't realistic, its a fantasy. I know for a fact that we appreciate logic and intelligence, but what's the point of thriving to reach the greater part of ourselves, when we sit passively and fantasize?

How are perfectionism and procrastination related to each other?

Being perfect means we fatasize about getting things done the best way or rather trying to get things done your own way because you swear by it. This causes several things, a perfectionist mistakenly believes that by simply setting up a perfect but unknowingly unrealistic goals is already getting "good job" done. Some people believe that by setting up great but unrealistic goals is bound to result in good works either way even if it doesn't come out to be perfect. Some people on the hand become frustrated and discouraged and eventually find themselves running from their problems and have a hard time getting the job done, hence the procrastination. The answer is simple, we just don't acknowledge them. Its the all-or-nothing attitude that becomes so damaging. "If it can't be done my way, then you can hit the highway".

So what's the connection with being obssesive/perfect and not being able to take criticism?

As ENFJs we have subtle strategies to control those around us, we strive to make people think well of us. But the main objective underlying this strategy is to leave no room for criticism like our life depends on it. What happens when we get criticized?

1.) We cry about it.

2.) We get really shocked, thinking "I'm just trying to help" without realizing that the kind of "help" you think you're doing isn't really "helping", preferably unwanted and then cry like a little baby about it.

and the list goes on..

So what are the solutions?


Quite frankly, I don't know, I'm still working on it, but I have taken the first steps towards this solution to be open and honest about the fact that I don't know, instead of trying to cover it up and appear all "perfect". Overall, it really takes perspective on your own experience and insight to apply them, and I hope that this will give you new perspective and approach with criticism and perfectionism.

[thehigher]

Hello, I just wanted to clear some things out because it seems like Perfectionism and Criticism has finally become a hot topic as our ENFJ section is starting to grow. I really want all ENFJs to know that, if you are an ENFJ, then we firmly understand each other when we say that we don't take criticism too well. It kills us, especially when we're simply trying to "help" those around us. But what exactly does it mean to help those around us? Are you sure its not just another way for us to have control over others? We should all try and work on this because it really is a drawback of being an ENFJ. When I get criticized I tend to over-think it for days.

First, perfectionism can bring out great results, but there are times when it just gets out-of-control and becomes a sickness to ENFJs. Its a very fine balance that I personally have to work on.

Being a perfectionist doesn't mean you're great, it actually means you're a procrastinator. Perfectionism is just another form of procrastination. If you thought you were almighty and high class because you thought you're perfect, think again. Feeling perfect is just another form of positive thinking, but being naive is a different story.

The first thing I need to clarify is that not being able to take criticism doesn't just entirely stem from being ENFJ, but it actually comes from the fact that we are too obssesive with control and thrive to transcend above human limits (aka. perfectionists) When we are perfectionists, we live in the future, our goals, and get bored with the present. Let me tell you this though, perfectionism isn't realistic, its a fantasy. I know for a fact that we appreciate logic and intelligence, but what's the point of thriving to reach the greater part of ourselves, when we sit passively and fantasize?

How are perfectionism and procrastination related to each other?

Being perfect means we fatasize about getting things done the best way or rather trying to get things done your own way because you swear by it. This causes several things, a perfectionist mistakenly believes that by simply setting up a perfect but unknowingly unrealistic goals is already getting "good job" done. Some people believe that by setting up great but unrealistic goals is bound to result in good works either way even if it doesn't come out to be perfect. Some people on the hand become frustrated and discouraged and eventually find themselves running from their problems and have a hard time getting the job done, hence the procrastination. The answer is simple, we just don't acknowledge them. Its the all-or-nothing attitude that becomes so damaging. "If it can't be done my way, then you can hit the highway".

So what's the connection with being obssesive/perfect and not being able to take criticism?

As ENFJs we have subtle strategies to control those around us, we strive to make people think well of us. But the main objective underlying this strategy is to leave no room for criticism like our life depends on it. What happens when we get criticized?

1.) We cry about it.

2.) We get really shocked, thinking "I'm just trying to help" without realizing that the kind of "help" you think you're doing isn't really "helping", preferably unwanted and then cry like a little baby about it.

and the list goes on..

So what are the solutions?


Quite frankly, I don't know, I'm still working on it, but I have taken the first steps towards this solution to be open and honest about the fact that I don't know, instead of trying to cover it up and appear all "perfect". Overall, it really takes perspective on your own experience and insight to apply them, and I hope that this will give you new perspective and approach with criticism and perfectionism.

....not only you guys.

[Optimus]

....not only you guys.

not for you... lol jk.

but yeah. I was being particular about ENFJ because I feel this be our greatest nemesis.

[walkawaysun09]

Well, I need to admit that I can sometimes procrastinate, but I don't think there's much of an issue with perfection...anymore.

See, I learned in my prior degree where i was going for Animation how to A) take criticism better and B) not be looking for perfection because it's completely unachievable. However, you can do your best...and realize if you are ever to re-do something later, you'll do better the 2nd time around.

However i know that it took a lot of work to overcome them to a more "normal" dealing with these things. However, the problem with when I am trying to help others, and am not really helping, then get criticized does become a problem. I realize afterward they only meant well, but that's one of those times when I am a bit more emotionally vulnerable to things.

[thehigher]

not for you... lol jk.

but yeah. I was being particular about ENFJ because I feel this be our greatest nemesis.

oh sorry. it just described me REALLY well.

[Fleshy Vessel]

I have to comment on this simply because this is something I was feeling yesterday with my family. I was feeling that although I am looking out for them and trying to do right by them in a way I am also scheming to kinda get them going or thinking what I want them to think. So then that makes me think first off does that make me a bad guy? Second how are they to find true meaning about themselves and live when I can so easily direct them to my point of view. Then I thought to myself its just my family that this happens with but today realized that I do that with everyone. I plant this seed that seems so obvious what it is going to to out to be but in reality its a part of something entirely different. What do you guys feel?

[jdmn]

Well, I'm not a comformist, I have never been. I always like to work and do things my way. And I do like to put some order and control in life, cause sometimes it is needed.

About criticism, one of the main reasons we may feel offended by it is because we don't naturally observe reality with an objective criteria, but we are more subjective. We don't put ourselves in the object of thought, but on the thinking subject... that's something natural coming from a person with a dominant Feeling function, who values what others want and make themselves an effort to keep social harmony at all costs, even with lying and unmoral stuff. Yes like I said before, you can't be perfect but you can be excellent. And our dream perfect future is a lie, cause it won't be 100% the way we want it.

And at perfectionism and procrastination, there are some things in common but they're not too related. I think it's more related with non-conformism, becuase a perfectionistic person works hard to acheive their own set standards. It's not just: One day I will have this or that, they will work hard to make it happen. Something that also requires ambition.

Yes, we ENFJs strive for control of others and strive to make a social harmony in this world, it's also related with our judging function. And we are subtle on it, like helping people, make them feel good, finding somewhere to belong and love.

So in general, we ENFJs are mostly subjective individuals, who are perfectionistic and we like to work hard to make those things happen in our lives. And when we are critiziced by others, we won't feel good, cause we want to satisfy or even impress others with our tendencies, and we won't just make objective corrections, since we will make it more personal.

That's my opinion xDDD

[Optimus]

oh sorry. it just described me REALLY well.

no worries.

[bonfirequeen]

I have to comment on this simply because this is something I was feeling yesterday with my family. I was feeling that although I am looking out for them and trying to do right by them in a way I am also scheming to kinda get them going or thinking what I want them to think. So then that makes me think first off does that make me a bad guy? Second how are they to find true meaning about themselves and live when I can so easily direct them to my point of view. Then I thought to myself its just my family that this happens with but today realized that I do that with everyone. I plant this seed that seems so obvious what it is going to to out to be but in reality its a part of something entirely different. What do you guys feel?

Yeah, I have come to the same realizations about the manipulation. It's mainly because I've bumped into friends who are more S and T who confront my subjective judgements. One was a roommate who was an ISTJ. Good friend, but was a challenge! They see my manipulation plain as day, and that really forced me to look inside and see what they were talking about. Up to then I had NO IDEA I was subtly "impressing" other people, or trying to get a response out of them. And when my efforts failed, that's right, I cried the "poor me" blues.

I agree, there's levels of control going on here. Seems that in my experience, I am having to learn to let go and not control so much. Not lead so much. Let people be, and let them make decisions on their own. Let the world exist and be as it is. It will work itself out. It doesn't need my prodding and manipulating to arrive at a good end. This trait is definitely something to be wise to and aware of so we can keep it under control, show restraint, and not interfere too much with influencing other people's opinions, feelings or actions. Those are my thoughts!

[bonfirequeen]

As ENFJs we have subtle strategies to control those around us, we strive to make people think well of us. But the main objective underlying this strategy is to leave no room for criticism like our life depends on it. What happens when we get criticized?

Optimus, I think you spell this whole thing out really well. I know you're not into getting your ego stroked, but I like your posts! Anyway...

I totally agree with what you said in the quote above. I think you are so right. Half of all our manipulating is to PREVENT us from feeling or receiving criticism. I am learning to rise above this as well. One of the biggest things I've learned in this department is to enact the power of taking the plunge and enduring the backlash. To put yourself out there even when you don't have it all figured out, and let the criticism come and let it hit you as it may. What you find is that it's not as bad as it seems. I'll put some meat on this: I can procrastinate a million ways, but say I'm procrastinating at doing my work because I'm ultimately afraid of failure or messing up. My boss will be more pleased with me if I just try something and be on time than to hold back and get really creative at the last minute and end up delivering late. I run my own business, and after years of having to do the song and dance to customers to keep them happy because of my struggle with feeling inadequate, I finally have come to understand that my customers like me. They actually like me, and one in particular tells me, "You're better than you think you are." ~ That'll stoke my fire!! So I began to realize I just need to put myself out there and not freak out or worry so much about how my work or myself will be received. Besides, I am allowed to be me, inadequacies and all, and gosh darn it, that's who I am! People either receive it or they don't and wondering if they do receive me can't be my problem. I have to put my best out there and let it stand. First I had to get the courage to put my best out there, now I'm working on the courage to let it stand and not apologize for it. It really begins to unwind the ball of anxioty inside when you can live more true to yourself and worry less about jumping hoops to gain others acceptance. At least that's my experience anyway!