[Blue Butterfly]

I want to know how you guys just know the right thing to say so others. I seem to set on other toes (mostly "NT"s) and don't even realize I am doing it. People all of a sudden start getting angry at me and I am left clueless what on earth I did. How do ENFJ's just know how best to deal with people?

[Luna1]

Hey,I don't know if I can help,I know another INFP so I could guess on the basis of how I know them,but that might not be so accurate.Could u explain a little more about ur problem?

[Blue Butterfly]

That is it, I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I am talking and thinking I am connecting with people. Then I find out that people are upset with me and I don't have a single clue what I did that was so wrong. I have an ENFJ supervisor he said I lack in tact with other people. But neither will he give me an example of what I did or said that was not tactful. I am at a loss at what on earth I am doing wrong.

[Luna1]

I'm gonna guess that your a pretty honest and straight forward person then?That maybe your saying things that you don't think will offend but come off as offensive to others.Or maybe it's the way your saying,so that the other person feels like its a negative statement.

Without knowing exactly what it is it's hard to say,but I'll try and advise.Say ur going to give somebody criticism on something,try not to be to blunt in saying it,like try and say it in the least offensive way possible.Maybe buffer it with a compliment first,say something positive,then make ur point,maybe smiling so that the other person has no hard feelings.

If ur debating something with someone and u want to make ur point,again just be careful with the other persons feelings,kinda say something like' well I see where ur coming from but I kinda think it's like this',state what u say an an opinion and not a fact,and listen to them.
If there's someone who is maybe more open with u,why not try and ask them what it might have been that u said to them that they found offensive?Knowing would help.

I'm sorry ,I don't know how good this adivce is,but I hope it helps a little.

[Blue Butterfly]

I'm gonna guess that your a pretty honest and straight forward person then?That maybe your saying things that you don't think will offend but come off as offensive to others.Or maybe it's the way your saying,so that the other person feels like its a negative statement.

Without knowing exactly what it is it's hard to say,but I'll try and advise.Say ur going to give somebody criticism on something,try not to be to blunt in saying it,like try and say it in the least offensive way possible.Maybe buffer it with a compliment first,say something positive,then make ur point,maybe smiling so that the other person has no hard feelings.

If ur debating something with someone and u want to make ur point,again just be careful with the other persons feelings,kinda say something like' well I see where ur coming from but I kinda think it's like this',state what u say an an opinion and not a fact,and listen to them.
If there's someone who is maybe more open with u,why not try and ask them what it might have been that u said to them that they found offensive?Knowing would help.

I'm sorry ,I don't know how good this adivce is,but I hope it helps a little.

Yes, you are very helpful. And yes I am a very straight forward person. I think I am doing everything you say but then people still seem to get all in a huff. You ENFJ's just seem to know how to do these kind of things naturally.

[Luna1]

Hmm,well if you all doing all that then I would really advise you to ask someone your close to give u an idea(or at least an example) about that it is ur doing.Or someone who you know will give you an honest answer.The only other thing I could advise is to maybe observe other people and see how they act,or go over ur conversations later in ur head,and try and pinpoint the moment when the other person became offended.

[amy22581]

I want to know how you guys just know the right thing to say so others. I seem to set on other toes (mostly "NT"s) and don't even realize I am doing it. People all of a sudden start getting angry at me and I am left clueless what on earth I did. How do ENFJ's just know how best to deal with people?

Hey there,
The advice I would give, is to examine your own personality and find out your weaknesses. If you try to mock another type, you will be uncomfortable and not yourself, and people will detect that. ENFJ's are very sensitive to others feelings, "hidden meanings" and actions. We become pros at reading body language, facial expressions and "reading between the lines," and that comes with the burden of worry, over-analyzation, angst, and just plain craziness!
From what I know of INFP, they have a feelings filter that makes them much more sensitive and upset about things, feeling like something is a personal attack, when others don't intend it that way.

I recommend reading this link and then clicking on the "growth" link at the bottom (I think you then have to choose INFP, again) and see if you can identify with some of the weakness of INFP and what advice is given.
Portrait of an INFP

Just remember, there is no right or wrong way. We are all given strengths and weaknesses and have unique styles of communication. It's 100% possible for you to find your own style and for others to get to know it, once you make some adjustments that are appealing to them.

If all of that fails, check out attachment styles. Avoidant and anxious attachment styles have trouble in relationships and communication (speaking from personal experience here!), regardless of what personality you are.

Best of luck!

[Blue Butterfly]

Thanks everyone. I will work on each and every suggestion.

[Kalifornia310]

yes! being direct is my weakness, I cant do it, ive had to learn to deal with people in a different way, that is connecting and understanding their wants and needs and handling it in a subtle way.