Hi ENFJ's, I'm a new poster so feel free to move this if it should be somewhere else.
I am an ISTJ who had a very close friendship with an ENFJ-- I considered her (and still do) to be one of my closest friends. I opened up to her emotionally in a way that I never had to anyone else, and being an ISTJ that's saying a lot...The problem is that I suppose I became a bit dependent on being close to her and feeling affection from her, through hugs, conversations, or spending general downtime with each other. Several times I've felt that she became distant/for whatever reason did not want to be around me as much as she had before, and my doubts really shook me emotionally. I expressed my concern those few times and she tried to assuage my concerns/adjust her behavior so I didn't feel that way anymore. We recently graduated, and I kind of expected her to become distant again-- which she did. But this time I wanted to see if I could myself just cut off my dependency on her, and so I deliberately kept only sparsely in touch-- it worked to an extent, but several months later I honestly can't get rid of the feeling in my chest that I miss her sorely. I started calling her, initiating conversations, etc, because I missed her and because I hoped I could rekindle our friendship. I know that she does not miss me equally, because back when we were closer she used to clearly express that she missed me, by chatting online or finding a way for us to hang out...but there's none of that now that we've graduated. I've been doing a good job of not letting her know that this hurts me, though recently I became irritated and told her (online) that she never wanted to hang out with me the few times I brought it up, which she denied (likely because she doesn't remember, in my opinion).
I can understand her being distant because we aren't going to school together anymore (it hurts, but I suppose I can understand), but I can't explain why she still behaves distantly towards me the few times I am able to get together with other mutual friends and her. For example, the last time I was in this situation I felt that she was deliberately avoiding looking at me, while she was showing very obvious affection and attention to others in our gathering (about 5-6 people- 1 of whom has probably taken the place in her heart of 'best friend'). I sort of felt that I had to force her to talk to me, by mentioning something funny that she did once or the like, and that then she was finally able to look at me properly.
This is getting quite long, but I'm writing to ask if there might be a specific reason why my ENFJ friend is behaving this way. Before our graduation I had begun feeling similarly (that she was becoming distant/avoiding conversation), and when I confronted her about it I realized that she had been behaving that way because she didn't know what she could do to help me-- (because I'm dumb and don't know how to express my feelings, I would deliberately look especially sad/upset with life when I saw her, in the hopes that she would express concern and the distance between us would be crossed). This was really surprising to me, because if a good friend had been looking sadder lately I would have tried to talk to her about it! (or so I hope). Is it likely that I did something to make her uncomfortable with me/for whatever reason, not be as close to me? (and I think I might have-- I told her once that I thought she became bored of friends/no longer interested in them over time when I last confronted her about feeling distant with her--that might have been understandably quite insulting)? Or was I right, and sometimes ENFJ's become distant from previously close friends for no specific reason?
Obviously the best solution would be for me to ask her directly-- but frankly, I am tired of bothering her about this and I'm tired of feeling so pathetic each time I tell her that I need her and that she's not caring for me enough. I might eventually ask her, but each time I've told her "I think we've been distant" she's seemed quite thrown off/surprised by the suggestion, which has always left me feeling like a dependent idiot. And in case anyone asks this, I am certain that she at least at some point considered me to be a best and very close friend--she had been very clear about that.
Sorry about the length! I appreciate any answers.