[roxasquall]

Hey everyone,

This year has been a journey for me. It's been a year of mostly downs, and I'm trying to get over some bitterness and grudges I have been having with people. Does anyone have any good advice? I know it's not worth it to be bitter or to hold on to grudges, but man some people have really pissed me off, and I don't know what to do. I want to be happy again, but I feel that it's a pride issue. I was used by someone, and my friend experienced the same thing (ESFJ) but he was able to get over it, and I'm not. What's wrong with me? Can anyone empathize? Any suggestions?

[radu]

You should give some more details as to what happened exactly, else its difficult to give any specific advice.

On a general note, for me personally, I always keep a paper with a list of my most special and motivational personal quotes on the wall in front of my desk. If I feel down, I go through it and it instantly lift my spirits.

I suggest you do this with quotes of your own, that are special to you or linked to some special moments in your life and some specific situations/moods that you can usually feel/reexperience just by reading them (one lovely characteristic of being an ENFJ).

Some of mine:

• Life is beautiful
• Life is too short to be sad
• There's only one person who you can always count on, that is yourself
• You gotta play the hand you are dealt
• Don't forget to smile
• Some things are worth fighting for
• Take failure with a smile and learn from your mistakes

[roxasquall]

Thanks.

It's more of my problem of holding grudges.

I have problems with my family (dad physically abused me, grandma verbally abused me), a "friend" used me of my popularity so he can get the position, internship and project he wanted, I was verbally abused by a co-worker (she called me a lot of names and made me felt worthless), a classmate is flakey and is inconsiderate about others' time and has pissed me off time and time again, and I know it sounds immature (and re-reading it, it is except the family problems), but I just don't know how to let go of these grudges. It's been eating me up, and I am going through a mild depression, and this is one thing that has been bothering me that I realized that it's not worth it. But I don't know how to let go. I'm trying to figure out how to let go. Some people don't have that problem of holding grudges, and I'm like, how do you do that? How do you not look back at that person who has hurt you and not think about what he has done. And my ESFJ friend said, "I don't think it's worth remembering. I remember that person did something to me, but I don't remember what. All I do is just not associate/talk to him anymore, and when I do, I choose not to remember what he did to me." And I'm mind blown from what he said, because I can't do that. It just rushes back into my mind and makes me upset, especially since I see these people in class everyday.

So I don't know, how do you other ENFJs do it? I know my ENFP friend said he has a hard time with it too, so I don't know if it's an NF thing where we hold grudges or if it's just a mind game. Thoughts?

[Lemons]

Hello. I am a fellow grudge holder and I don't want to be that way anymore. It really eats you up inside. I just want so much for the people who have hurt me to be sorry. I want them to be what I consider HUMAN... to have a heart. That, most likely, is not ever going to happen, and holding on to negative emotions towards them is only hurting ME. They aren't me and they don't care that they have hurt me. That's so hard to accept, but it is what it is. I also was physically and verbally abused growing up... When the most important people in your life treat you like crap, it's quite the challenge to tune out the negative messages that they have drilled in. I hope that you realise that they only treat/treated you that way because of their own issues, and I hope that you have learned to love yourself anyways. No one can make you feel worthless if you know your own worth. I would suggest to try taking the the focus off these others that have hurt you for a bit and turn the focus toward doing healthy and loving things for yourself. Easier said then done, right? I'll try to take my own advice, too.

[miyachanfan]

it might be an idealist thing, especially if you're extraverted and genuinely love people, treat them well and expect the same in return. grudges are, i'd say, sth legitimate, sth you have the right to have and to hold and to express, BUT for a short time. with short i mean max. 1month, if not less. i do understand that these feelings are deep and the hurt seems permanent and the betrayed trust bruised and broken, BUT it is YOU who is currently suffering, who is harmed, not them!!

alone out of your self-respect and acceptance of your true value, whether or not these ungrateful, immoral beings see it, you should be very gentle with your overly vulnerable but true and beautiful inner self.

let's hear what j.murphy has to say on this subject^^:

"The kingdom of happiness is in your thought and feeling. Too many people have the idea that it takes something artificial to produce happiness... The truth is that happiness is a mental and spiritual state."


"Your subconscious mind is a recording machine which reproduces your habitual thinking. Think good of the other, and you are actually thinking good of yourself. A hateful or resentful thought is a mental poison. Do not think ill of another for to do so is to think ill of yourself. You are the only thinker in your universe, and your thoughts are creative."


"The other person cannot annoy you or irritate you except you permit him. Your thought is creative: you can bless him. If someone call you a skunk, you have the freedom to say to the other, "God’s peace fills your soul." Love is the answer to getting along with others, love is understanding, good will, and respecting the divinity of the other."

[radu]

I agree with Lemons, if you let these feelings of anger and "revenge" go uncontrolled, they will eat you up inside and will make you become negative and feel worthless.

From personal experience I believe there's a simple way to handle grudges and anger, it's worked for me in the past and still works. The idea is to redirect all the anger and sadness you have, into motivation. Motivation to be a better person, motivation to prove to yourself that you are better than the people who abused you or tried to hurt you. Motivation to show that you are a fighter.

Set a few short term goals for yourself and use the negative energy to push yourself to achieve them. Remember though, you are not doing this to prove anything to any of the people who've wronged you, BUT to YOURSELF. As you start achieving the first few goals you will already start feeling better about yourself. Keep adding goals and while you accomplish more and more of them, you will be consuming the negative energy and will eventually get to a point where you feel strong and truly good about yourself. When this happens, you'll probably have forgotten all about the negative emotions you had, or about the people who tried to hurt you. Instead you'll be able to smile and know that those people are not worth your thoughts.


On another note, I believe there is also something we as ENFJ's get better at with age, and that is the ability to protect ourselves from bad people. As you become more confident and experienced, bad people's actions will have 0 effect on you since you know deep down inside that you're better than them and they don't deserve even 1 second of your thoughts. So don't worry, you are not alone in experiencing stuff like this, everyone learns the hard way but eventually it will make you stronger and better at handling your emotions and thoughts.

[miyachanfan]

wise words indeed

[Hum]

I also agree with lemons and thanked. You too.
I aged already up to 55 and I am a full blood ENFJ and a 11-11 scorpio (brrrr, stuborn, spitefull and other likewise character).
I, for my part, can asure you that the grudge thing will go over. I believe there is a sort of mechanism in ENFJ that eventually unmistakably will lead is in the one and only right direction. You can sit and wait.
Or you can help it to get there a little quicker.
We absolutely hate conflict, ...let alone, undeniable conflict within ourselves. We hate to consume, be consumed; it's in our blood to produce, to make, to give. It IS motivation to become better, I agree Radu, but take it from probably older me, not to be better than the rest. We don't have to show to 'them' we are fighters, we know the fights will be in OUR hearts. And we will always win, eventually. But only when we see/feel the right reasons.
Your practical guidelines our well put and it will actually work like you say. You probably experienced that self too. But again I like to plea not to think in terms whether the wrongdoers are worthy your thoughts. I would plea to show compassion with the others and especially with yourself. I found out only recent, that 'defensively' getting to our ENFJ moral highgrounds is never the way.

The reason why we get untouchable, why we can divert pain to positivity so easily, is because in time we learn there ain't no bad people. It's people doing bad, we too, we all are only human. ENFJ do differ though, because we are relentless to ourselves to do better in the only right way. Accepting ourself and the other. I am still the learning the hard way, e.g. I hate roadrage and wish dangerous speeders dead and I also still feel deathwishes for intolerant dictators; I am working on this anger and negative energy.
I am hopeful. I thank you for your thoughts. Love to you all.

To forget bitterness, watch this

[IluvHSJ]

I would give yourself the time to properly heal from these experiences. I went through some bad experiences with people and I think words can really affect us...you probably already know deep down your worth, so just give yourself time to heal. Try to distract yourself and focus on other aspects of life that dont necessarily involve people like a new hobby, biking, art, etc.Don't struggle too much with not being able to forgive and forget, this will come naturally when you start feeling better again. Do what you can to feel better and if you find yourself dwelling on past bad experiences, tell yourself "dont give up" and distract yourself with something else, something nice and fun. you are probably introspecting a lot right now but i heard there is such a thing as "hyper reflection" which can make depression worse by being in your head too much.i go through this a lot when i am down, i try to really solve stuff, but sometimes maybe we just have to keep on moving and be hopeful that the answer to your questions will come to you later.

[GiaLynn]

There is some great advice on this thread. I am currently going through the same thing, so I feel ya. ;)

I don't have any advice other than what has already been said (trying to take it all in, myself)...

On another note, I believe there is also something we as ENFJ's get better at with age, and that is the ability to protect ourselves from bad people. As you become more confident and experienced, bad people's actions will have 0 effect on you since you know deep down inside that you're better than them and they don't deserve even 1 second of your thoughts. So don't worry, you are not alone in experiencing stuff like this, everyone learns the hard way but eventually it will make you stronger and better at handling your emotions and thoughts.

I'm not trying to be a downer but the complete opposite happened to me. When I was young, in my 20's, I had ZERO time for "bad people". Then when I got to be in my mid 30's, I started to tolerate more, feel more compassion for "bad" people (after all, there's always a REASON for their "badness", right? (sarcasm). and in the past 5 years, I have experienced a lot of what the OP has. It's just weird how I would have NEVER found myself in the situations I have been in the midst of these past 5 years.

I'm working on it. Trying to keep positive, and the only thing that has helped me is therapy. Just having someone to vent to, without judgment, has helped me. Trying to understand and get answers as to the "why"s drive me crazy, but I NEED to know. All in all, ultimately, time is what is helping.

Just having time to heal. It's been almost 3 months since my last "situation" and believe me, it took me to the cliff. But I'm clawing my way back up to the top.
@roxasquall - I hope this is just a very temporary time. We, as the "givers" are so hard on ourselves for actually holding those grudges. At least that's what I think. I always like to think of myself as a positive, nurturing person. Not a sad, depressed, grudgeholder. It's really hard to "Just get over it". But eventually, we will.