You're Judging Me. You Don't Even Know Me.

"You're judging me. You don't even know me."

Recognize that line? You probably hear that for few times. Or you probably had said that to someone who you think was judging you.

I realize when someone being criticized by other person, and he/she thinks that that other person is judging her/him, while they think that that other person doesn't really know about them, they will say that line.

But, when they being complimented by other person, even though that other person didn't know that much about them, they won't say that line.

Why? Isn't COMPLIMENT and CRITICISM both are JUDGMENTS? Then why people tend to react differently to both?

Why criticism receive you're-judging-me-you-don't-even-know-me respond, while compliment don't? Why people never said you're-judging-me-you-don't-even-know-me as a respond to compliments?

Is this an example on how people are mostly have a hard time to take criticism? Isn't this shows that people are bias and subjective? Isn't this shows that people are not capable to be objective?

If the compliment is obviously missing the target, I'd wonder the same. Either my image of myself is wrong or this person is just.. misguided. Or probably want to sell me something, either way filling the blanks with their own assumptions about me.

Is this an example on how people are mostly have a hard time to take criticism? Isn't this shows that people are bias and subjective? Isn't this shows that people are not capable to be objective?

Nah. I think it's just the way society is structured; you're supposed to take compliments gracefully.. like being given something, eventhough you don't agree with them. You'd really sound like much more an ass if you're arguing with someone who complimented you. Or even worse, looking like someone who's fishing for more compliments.

While when it's criticism, people want to 'set it straight'. It's defending yourself, especially when the person making assumptions really doesn't know much about the person he's judging.

On the other hand, I'm a judging person. It's true that I probably don't know much about the people I judge unfavorably, but honestly, to know everything about everyone is just not possible. Maybe that guy I find worthless have deep-seated childhood issues, who knows? I can only, in my capacity, see what's apparent to me and determine/ make decisions from that. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.. 'right for most of the time' is a good enough percentage for me.

I love reading an ENTJ's insight on something I'm not personally involved in.

I think that's because the society might be biased on F people's side for that. Most people's F (strong or weak) side will take over their T (that actually realises the obvious) and make them feel irationally happy about the compliment and make them want to believe it/make it come true rather than denying it. It would also be considered impolite to reject the compliment openly and hurt someone's feelings just for the benefit of re-establishing the truth. I guess that's a typical ExTJ problem :P.

This thread made me ramble a lot so allow me to elaborate away from the question lol~~.. ?

I'm an INFP and I analyse people a lot according to my value system, I can guess to a certain extent what their needs are and predict some of their reactions, I can read in them and sort of manipulate the mood/discussion to make harmony possible. But no mather how far away from my beliefs they stand, I'd rather try to see their point of view, appreciate it and respect it, than getting into an argument with them / hating them. I can do some constructive criticism if I'm asked to but otherwise, my strong-as-hell F wouldn't allow me to do that. I'd be more daring if I was around a really strong T (I'm so F biased that I'd still be affraid to hurt their feelings =_=). I'm good at listening but not at arguing at all.

That's something that I like about my personality because once people (mostly Fs, because strong Ts don't share their feelings and would have to value my intelligence/logic first) realise that fact about me, they open up a lot more and trust me completely to accept them with their flaws. So I get told by a lot of people that I'm a very caring and generous person, that I make people feel important and that I help them to feel good about themselves. Of course, with Ts, I have to adapt, and turn down my F a little to please them ^^.

But my ability also has its down sides because I tend to forget to meet my own needs. I can't openly get rid of the people that don't nourrish me back, even though these people can be very time/energy consuming. I try to ignore them unconsciously [I cancel activities with them because I get tired and depressed just thinking about hanging out with them], but since I usually don't realise I do this for an obvious healthy reason, I just feel guilty and heartless for wanting to get away from someone who really needs me and care for me. In fact, I didn't choose most of my friends =_=.

So I kind of envy you guys. Hehe ^^. I could learn a lot from you :).
[Sorry again for my bad English... Hope it didn't make your eyes bleed]

Because praise/compliments builds people up, it makes people feel good about themselves, raises their self-esteem and confidence.

Judging someone on a single or limited piece of information is going to nevertheless affect a person, whether positive or negative. How we interpret this judgement is up to us - whether we find a ring of truth in the judgement?

I believe we all judge to some extent, it's just a natural part of human behaviour, except some people can be terribly biased and sterotype people easily which I find unfair because we can't really say we know someone fully without all the background reasons for their motives.

I consider a judgment to be an overall appraisal of a person or situations. Compliments and criticism are sometimes judgments but not always.

Judgment compliment: "You're an amazing person."
Nonjudgmental compliment: "I like the way you walk."

Judgmental criticism: "You're an idiot."
Nonjudgmental criticism: "Your teeth repulse me."

In psychology-land, this manner of handling criticisms/approvals of your attitudes by other people is known as a few things.

Not so much known as a few things, but it's represented in a lot of research. Both in psychology, as well as more social takes on the field such as attitudes and social behavior.

Anyhow, the Congeniality Effect states that views/actions towards you which validate yourself/beliefs of yourself are easier to recognize/accept/remember/etc. The opposite of this would be dis-congeniality. I think.

There is also a form of Defensive Confidence that this reminds me of. It expresses the low probability that you'll expose yourself to scenarios which conflict with your self-view.

There are others, but I'm sick of making myself feel like I'm still in class.

Originally Posted by lilgabiee

I love reading an ENTJ's insight on something I'm not personally involved in.

I like/ find it interesting that you mentioned that part. ; ]

Hmm, but I've seen people, even the most obnoxious of them, genuinely decline / reject people's compliments.( "Nah, you're overestimating me. I'm not that great/smart/whatever good personality values you're saying about me."), OTOH, that's what modesty is for (and it may be mixed, what with the culture and so).

Then again, you don't push good things away, do you?

As Vanitas had said; Personally, I would not be happy to be praised because of something I'm not proud of. (You cheated? COOL!) because I don't think it's good. I think it's connected to what Kevinaswell said;

Anyhow, the Congeniality Effect states that views/actions towards you which validate yourself/beliefs of yourself are easier to recognize/accept/remember/etc. The opposite of this would be dis-congeniality. I think.

And I would like to think most people do feel / think the same. The same as criticism; as long as it's good for me, I'll take it.

I look at it like money (not in some sense monetary value, just hear me out)

If somebody says something negative in error, which would be like a negative on your balance sheet, you are more likely to protect yourself from wrongdoing.

If somebody says something positive in error, which would be a positive on your balance sheet, that's like somebody giving you something by mistake. You may question their motivations and wonder why they did it, but the reaction is different.

Originally Posted by sprinkles

I look at it like money (not in some sense monetary value, just hear me out)

If somebody says something negative in error, which would be like a negative on your balance sheet, you are more likely to protect yourself from wrongdoing.

If somebody says something positive in error, which would be a positive on your balance sheet, that's like somebody giving you something by mistake. You may question their motivations and wonder why they did it, but the reaction is different.

I agree. Some people will be more defensive than others. I know people who can take, or even encourage constructive criticism and others who get defensive at the slightest hint of anything less than adoration. As long as the criticism is honest and genuine, the reaction, I think, is based on the person's level of insecurity.

On the other hand, if the criticism is off-base, then it's not necessary to react by saying "you don't know me" - I don't anyway. If someone says something to me that's off-base, I'll just try to figure out why they said it, what their issue is, or what their intention is. I don't take it personally.

I guess I just don't see any rational reason for reacting with "you don't know me". I mean, what if the person does know you? Would that make any difference to how you feel? It's just not relevant, is it?