Can loneliness be ok?

I've come to realize it's so incredibly difficult to make and maintain any kind of friendship. And I've been wondering lately if I could somehow just stop wishing for them.

So I was wondering could loneliness be ok? I mean it's not like I have total control over having others continually want to make time for me. And it's not like I have control over having friends in places other than where I live.

I notice that most people seem to get a boyfriend/girlfriend and then they don't have any friends. It's like you either have a significant other or you're kinda left out to fend for yourself. Not sure if others have encountered this as well.

So anyways I just ask the question can loneliness be ok? Is there a way to make it healthy and cope with it? Because otherwise I'm not sure how we're supposed to control or change it...

I guess I look at it sort of like a chart

Current Subjective Perceptions Inquiry in OP
Positive Positive, focus on things i can do alone that are good
Positive Negative, focus on not being lonely, and perhaps not needing relationships as much as i did in the past

Reverse Subjective Perceptions
Positive Positive, i should focus on meeting people more to not be lonely
Positive Negative, I should like being lonely that way i am pushed to meet people

vs.
Objective possibility
Positive, it is good to do positive positive, and it is good to do positive negative if it is better than a different positive negative
Negative, if I do that positive negative, instead of another, I might hurt or neglect myself or others in the short or long term

What you need to know obviously if there are better ways to go about what you are doing, or if you can try a mixture of things, as you are doing by writing about and exploring the topic. Not an answer for ya, but maybe spreading it out like that will be a unique way of looking at it for you and can help

Although I am frequently lonely myself, and sometimes live in a stressful environment, I often feel closest to God in periods of suffering. Sometimes bad things happen to us in order to bring out a greater good that would otherwise not manifest itself.

I think the answer to the question, "Can loneliness be ok?" is subjective. If you mean does society think that loneliness is ok, that would vary as to the weight and magnitude of the considerations given plus own personal filters.

A common enough view to be considered as a 'norm' would be that people get together to raise a family, for example. That can and is done as a single parent in many households in every country so that is also a 'norm'. Such is the enormity of subjectivity that the question has to be batted back to you so, do you think that it is ok to be lonely?

I think that the way to make loneliness healthy and cope with it is through accepting your situation without judgement. To change loneliness implies you want something that will engender the opposite and this thread would be more about how to make friends, ideas for attracting a partner, and having the patience to wait for the next chapter in your life to unfold.

My bottom of the barrel answer is that it is neither ok or not ok...it just is.

Originally Posted by Unus

I think the answer to the question, "Can loneliness be ok?" is subjective. If you mean does society think that loneliness is ok, that would vary as to the weight and magnitude of the considerations given plus own personal filters.

A common enough view to be considered as a 'norm' would be that people get together to raise a family, for example. That can and is done as a single parent in many households in every country so that is also a 'norm'. Such is the enormity of subjectivity that the question has to be batted back to you so, do you think that it is ok to be lonely?

I think that the way to make loneliness healthy and cope with it is through accepting your situation without judgement. To change loneliness implies you want something that will engender the opposite and this thread would be more about how to make friends, ideas for attracting a partner, and having the patience to wait for the next chapter in your life to unfold.

My bottom of the barrel answer is that it is neither ok or not ok...it just is.

I frequently find myself having to do that. To just accept what is and not judge it. I know Buddhism is all about that.. about not having attachments and just accepting everything as being already perfect and good. That's difficult though and often feels nihilistic to me.

The patience part you bring up is interesting since I recall most of my life feeling like a patient wait hoping for some next chapter. But anyways I guess that's what it comes down to... it just is what it is. I know I'm definitely not alone so oh well. I can do something drastic like start random conversations with strangers in random places and try to get their contact info haha.. but no most people make their friends from places they normally congregate like school, work, etc. And the friends I've made from all of those and from volunteering have all drifted away. It's so difficult to hang onto relationships these days...

Originally Posted by Souled In

I guess I look at it sort of like a chart

Current Subjective Perceptions Inquiry in OP
Positive Positive, focus on things i can do alone that are good
Positive Negative, focus on not being lonely, and perhaps not needing relationships as much as i did in the past

Reverse Subjective Perceptions
Positive Positive, i should focus on meeting people more to not be lonely
Positive Negative, I should like being lonely that way i am pushed to meet people

vs.
Objective possibility
Positive, it is good to do positive positive, and it is good to do positive negative if it is better than a different positive negative
Negative, if I do that positive negative, instead of another, I might hurt or neglect myself or others in the short or long term

What you need to know obviously if there are better ways to go about what you are doing, or if you can try a mixture of things, as you are doing by writing about and exploring the topic. Not an answer for ya, but maybe spreading it out like that will be a unique way of looking at it for you and can help

Hmm interesting way of putting it. But choosing which answer makes the most sense is difficult hehe.

If you aren't blessed with schizoid personality "disorder", it may be hard to live alone -- and even then...

Trust me, I'm an hermit. ;)



What kind of activity would you enjoy doing with other people? Just curious.

@eros5th:
My take:
Loneliness is not OK, because the word in itself says that you deprive yourself of something you need.
Being alone, on the other hand, is OK, since that is an active choice.

As an introvert, I'm one of those whose social life almost ground to a halt for a long while after I'd found a good partner. I simply didn't feel a need to hang with people since I constantly was around another person whose company I enjoyed anyway. This wasn't bad at all - it's not as you describe it as having no friends, but rather as living with your best friend, which makes one hell of a difference.
Nowadays, I've adjusted to a more social way of life, and I do stuff with my other friends too. That's also a good thing, since it provides another perspective than the one offered if you only hang around with a single person - ultimately, without new perspectives, one tends to create blinders in one's life.

But generally speaking, a friendship is all about studying how the people you enjoy spending time with interact. If you don't know anyone you thoroughly enjoy spending time with, study the traits people have that you enjoy. Then try to apply these traits in your own life. And of course spend time with other people, whether at work/school or in public social settings. Be approachable, and you'll make friends over time; there's no rocket science or magic involved.

My thoughts in summary: You can be alone without feeling lonely. Likewise, you can feel lonely even if you aren't alone (such as in a crowd, or hell even when you're with your group of friends). Personally, I think that a person can deal with being alone if he is comfortable with himself and with his own autonomy. And, like you guys said, have accepted it for what it is. But I understand that not everyone naturally works that way.

If you don't mind me asking, why do you feel like your friendships have drifted? Is it just because everyone is busy? I find myself feeling like this if it has been a while since I have been involved with such and such's lives or if I never really connected with the person on a deep level.

I think one must take time off from the world,but never be completely lonely... its just not healthy in my opinion... you must have a balance of both being alone and with family and friends(even if they dont understand you completely).. Its about having a mix of everything....

Being a solitary independent person is great, enjoying alone time having lots of it is fine. But actual loneliness when you feel alone that isn't good. It's a stressor and stressors shorten your life span. That's why there is the statistic that says people with less friends or few friends have shorter lives, it's not the really number of friends you have that makes you live longer, but less friends means more chance of stress and feeling alone.

I can count my friends on one or two hands, however I don't feel alone. That's healthy.

Having 50 friends and not feeling alone is healthy.

However whether you have 50 or no friends if you feel alone, you really should find someone who understands you, it helps. good luck.