Shadow Love/Attraction

While having lunch with my co-worker the other day the topic of cognitive functions came up. Eventually we started discussing the shadow functions that have been popularized by John Beebe. I have been intrigued in general by cognitive functions and have looked into them a bit more for the last few months. Studying a persons cognitive functions says a lot more about them then their MBTI does. While they are both related, the cognitive better explains why people get the percentages of each letter they get. Near the end of the meal I started thinking about what types shared my shadows but as their four main functions. What i found was quite interesting.

ESTP has the functions Se Ti Fe Ni and the shadow are Si Te Fi Ne. While checking out the cognitive functions I was quite shocked at what I found. The four types that use the ESTP shadow functions were ESTJ, ISTJ, INFP and ENFP. The commonality you see is STJ and NFP. This significance for me was nothing short of profound. I have had three women who I can say I have been truly in love with in my 36 years. My ex-wife who is an ENFP and two girls after the marriage (ESTJ and INFP). The only one lacking is an ISTJ, but I did meet one and I admit to having strong desires for her. Given time it too might have blossomed into more deep relation. Could this be a coincidence? I really have a hard time thinking it is. My relationships with these women went beyond mere infatuation and sexual attraction. I still think of all four even now.

So this brings up a few questions. First and foremost; is this just a fluke? Would the relationships really last or is it a fleeting infatuation. Can I date other MBTI types and really love them as much and in the same way? To really prove this theory correct I need more data and that means you! In order to do this correctly though you will need to tell me the people you love and their types. If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing! I can say my ex-wife falls into three of hers just as I did. She (ENFP) has loved an ESTP (me), ISTP and INFJ.



Remember this is a theory and most important I am not saying you can't love any MBTI type no matter what type you are. I am just pointing out (For better or worse) that I am attracted to my shadows. I truly believe of the 4 shadow mates I would be best off with ESTJ and ISTJ purely due to the sensing. That said there is no doubting the powerful draw I have to all four types. To help you all out I created a handy chart to connect you to your possible "soul mates".

I'm not sure what's my first ex type, I guess he might be an ENTP. I am sooo over him completely. And the second ex was INTJ. I still miss him sometimes.

My ex was an ENFJ (and yes she took the test)

As a side note, of my sisters the one I am the closest to is also an ENFJ.
I have also noticed that of the women I tend to connect with, I suspect they are usually NFJ, but I will have to think about the STP.

I must say I like the idea of this theory. It seems to work for me, at any rate. I've been attracted to and fallen in love with many NFPs, and I find I am attracted to ESTJs despite my preference for NF. I'm not sure I can classify many/any girls I've met as ISTJ, so it's hard to tell on that one.

Amended: I actually did date an ISTJ. Fancy that!

Awesome EvilByte we have another satisfied customer!


Remember everyone that this is not about who you date. I have date lots of women but I have loved but a few. They are the ones I am interested in. You could have also had a secret crush on someone for a longtime and not done anything about it. This is important as well.

My deepest connections in my life, with lovers, husband or friends, the kind of connections that I cannot push away or deny and that seem to last a lifetime, have occurred due to something I cannot explain (feels otherworldy to me) and I think The Cause has very little to do with MBTI or functions or shadows. Those relationships occurred, it feels like, because it was Destiny. I'm thinking of my bestest, bestest, bestest girlfriend right now - she appeared, there was an immediate connection and the relationship has sustained itself without any work. It just happens, like it was meant to be.

The theory is interesting, but I don't think it works just right for me. I haven't been in a lot of relationships though, so maybe that's the problem :)

As an NTP I never find myself romantically interested in NTJs or SFPs.

While I like NTJs as friends, I have never found myself attracted to the personality of any NTJ female I know. I'd find NTJs too bull-headed in a relationships. That Te grinds me personally, maybe other ENTPs feel differently.

SFPs are just too foreign to me. We can entertain each other for a bit. I only have one close SFP friend, and it took over 10 years to get close to them.

I find myself interested in NTPs, NFPs, and INFJs. NTPs and NFPs have that Ne connection that's so strong. That's not really the case with INFJs, but I find that the strong N backed up with Ti works. You need a mature ENTP with a developed Fe, otherwise they'll grate the INFJ.

Originally Posted by tdmg

The theory is interesting, but I don't think it works just right for me. I haven't been in a lot of relationships though, so maybe that's the problem :)

As an NTP I never find myself romantically interested in NTJs or SFPs.

While I like NTJs as friends, I have never found myself attracted to the personality of any NTJ female I know. I'd find NTJs too bull-headed in a relationships. That Te grinds me personally, maybe other ENTPs feel differently.

SFPs are just too foreign to me. We can entertain each other for a bit. I only have one close SFP friend, and it took over 10 years to get close to them.

I find myself interested in NTPs, NFPs, and INFJs. NTPs and NFPs have that Ne connection that's so strong. That's not really the case with INFJs, but I find that the strong N backed up with Ti works. You need a mature ENTP with a developed Fe, otherwise they'll grate the INFJ.

I find it tough with NTPs, the ones I know well are extremely picky and even thought they want to date always find a reason to drop him. The INTP friend is currently dating an ESFJ (borderline P). So far so good as they just celebrated their 1st anniversary.

Also, you do need a lot of relationships to find out if this works. The only other way would be to put yourself into a room full of SFP and NTJ and see what happens. Like I mentioned in my theory this is about attraction. I firmly believe that you would always be better off with intuitive if you are an intuitive (in the long run). Any relationship can work with any personality type though, it just might take more effort.

Originally Posted by Sily Wily

My deepest connections in my life, with lovers, husband or friends, the kind of connections that I cannot push away or deny and that seem to last a lifetime, have occurred due to something I cannot explain (feels otherworldy to me) and I think The Cause has very little to do with MBTI or functions or shadows. Those relationships occurred, it feels like, because it was Destiny. I'm thinking of my bestest, bestest, bestest girlfriend right now - she appeared, there was an immediate connection and the relationship has sustained itself without any work. It just happens, like it was meant to be.

I am happy you have a wonderful friend but I don't believe in destiny.

The relationships i had that turned into something serious were INTP and ESTP.
I guess Im a sucker for fe and ti.
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I loved an ESTP wayy more than I should have once. It wasn't normal, it was like an obsession. I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was crazy. I liked him so much because he could be logical when I couldn't, and just kinda had this attitude like he was free and didn't care about anything. It's kinda hard to talk about, but...just for the sake of the experiment.