I'm really struggling right now and I'm honestly not sure why. After years of upheaval my life is actually on a pretty even keel. I'm not entirely happy with my job and I have some theories about that, but I worry that I'm trying to put ~everything~ on the job when the true issue might be related to my own inner mental workings (hence the title).
The gist of what is bothering me and making me wonder if there might be a loop at work here is that I increasingly feel like I'm building a cocoon around myself, or I'd like to. My work schedule is odd - I start work at noon, so I usually wake up when my husband leaves for work and there is nothing pressing on me for several hours (we don't have kids). What I find is that some mornings (increasingly recently) I feel almost paralyzed... I'm thinking, and it feels really important, though at the same time I feel a bit separate from the thoughts. Like there are strings of logic going on and I feel this imperative to 'follow' them even if they are nonsensical or irrelevant (sometimes, if I wake up with this happening, I don't think I'm even fully awake - later I look back and the lines of thought seem to be extending from something I was dreaming).
I can do this for hours. I know that I need to just get up and do SOMETHING (making myself walk to the local coffee shop is my current solution), and often I am able to do so. But sometimes I just can't compel myself to physically move - this morning was such a day, I spent a good hour or more thinking 'I've got to get up, I've got to move' to be countered with 'Yes, but if we just think through this (I don't even remember what it was).. here, look at this, A would lead to B and then where would it go from there?'. A half hour later I realize I haven't moved and again 'I really should get up', to be countered with a feeling of 'Yes, but not just yet, we need to think this through'. I feel at those times like I'd like to pull a cocoon around myself and just stay there in stasis forever. What an odd feeling. It certainly doesn't seem healthy.
I also feel like I'm suffering inertia in life... referencing my earlier comments about work, I am not all that happy with my job. I think my 'default' is more right-brained, I have always been drawn to and good at art - but I spent decades training myself to be good at my science-based career and have accomplished much. But the deeper I go in this career the more keenly aware that my 'right brain' is withering and this bothers me more and more as the years go on. I have been 'working' on this problem - I'm branching into eastern medicine and trying to actively create opportunities for my art. But lately I find myself being lulled into non-activity. I get a concept for a piece of art, and I can spend plenty of time ~thinking~ about it - visualizing how I will lay it out, poring over reference shots, considering dimensions... and then days later I haven't actually ~drawn~ a thing! Now doing this here and there may be normal - but I feel like this is starting to happen with everything in my life. I feel like I'm living but I look around and realize that I've been thinking about doing things WAY more than actually doing them. Perhaps the distressing part is that I have to stop and actually realize that I'm not doing them... two weeks have passed since I thought about organizing those work files, and I've thought about all aspects of organizing them, and I'm just a teeny bit surprised to find that they aren't organized and have to realize that I haven't actually DONE anything to organize them. Lather, rinse, repeat for my art, my eastern medicine studies, and all kinds of other things. I am a little bit surprised to find that they aren't actually done, it feels like I've been working on them when all I've been doing is planning and thinking about them.
At the same time doing the dishes or scooping the cat boxes feels like a huge relief. Playing 'Dubble' on my iPhone. I'm exhausted from all this thinking and these things distract me from it for a time. I remember back when I used to do clinical medicine I was very prone to worrying (in the sense of 'gnawing at') things a whole lot. It's what got me out of clinical work in the end. What I'm doing now is different... I don't keep going over and over a perceived problem in my head these days. What I do seems to be going over a whole lot of things, some of them just repeating threads of thoughts, some of them completely irrelevant things to think about. I feel like I'm subconsciously rejecting actually ~doing~ anything sometimes... that it's more than just coincidence.
What also might be a pertinent piece of information is that I work from home - I communicate with many people through the day but it is by phone or online. My husband and I are both pretty introverted and so our 'entertainment' is generally just between the two of us (and online friends). Whether this is important or not to the issue at hand I don't know, but it does make it easier to get absorbed in my cocoon-of-thinking.
I apologize if this is disjointed or incoherent. I just want to toss it out there and see what people think. Even now I'm fighting the urge to read ALL of the PerC threads on this and just ponder it for a few more days because I should be able to figure it out myself... no matter that I've read them before. I know that I could spend hours and hours, and draw in more information and churn over the information I already have until I'm mentally exhausted but still no further ahead.
Please tell me if this seems like a loop of some kind or if I'm perhaps just crazy.
~ Boots ~