Words of an ailurophile
I hate people
by, 04-25-2012 at 03:08 PM (285 Views)
I'm going to let you in on a personal secret of mine. Its not intimate or directly embarrassing, but it is something that I am much too aware of, without really doing anything about it.
I hate everyone. No deeply and with passion, but I don't have trouble finding some little irrelevant thing about someone else, that I despise and think bad of.
Now you might see me as a judgemental and angry person now. You probably don't think anything good of me for thinking that way about others. And you have all the reason to.
I always felt this way, but I never said it to anyone (I'm not that big of an asshole). Ever since I was a kid, I remember saying to myself "I hate the human kind in general".
Resonantly I started to think why a lot of my friends treat me the way they do.
I noticed that a few of my friends seem very patronizing towards me everytime I had a complaint about something, big or small. They made me feel that no matter what, it was only my own fault.
I thought about some "friends" I once had, that took advantage of a great weakness of mine, that I have later tried to work with... They knew that I couldn't say no and I was terrible of putting my foot down when I felt someone treated me wrong.
It wasn't the first time other people had mocked me.. Ever since I got teased as a kid, I would keep thinking about what about me that made me such an easy target. What it was about the way I acted and the personality that I had, that made me prone to this kind of thing.
Ever since I have always been very insecure about my friends and my relationship with them. I constantly fear that I am just one of those acquaintances-friends that you really don't care about because you think anything interesting about the person as an individual. I was just that girl that they once met at a school they went to a few years ago.
Acknowledgement means everything to me in a friendship, and if I don't get it, I feel that I am completely worthless to them.
Me and my boyfriend had a chat about the whole thing about making and remaining friends with people.
None of us are the type of people that needs a ton of friends, but only ask for a few, but close friends.
Ever since I moved here I haven't really made any new friends, and naturally old ones goes but I can't keep up making new ones to keep the balance up.
He made me aware of a lot of things when it comes to maintaining friendships, and making new ones.
But how I change whatever makes me an easy target for some, I still don't know.
We talked about how to make friends. Obvious things like smiling, never giving critique and always making the person feel important.
Then we talked about how to even start talking to people, and keep talking to them... I mean, I could do the chit chat conversation on online chats 10 years ago with strangers, asking them meaningless things like where they lived, what kind of pets they had and such things.... But I can't do that anymore, because it bores me to death.
So I asked my boyfriend how to keep your interested in others, and maintain that interested.
The obvious answer is of course to see others as interesting individuals. But how can you do this, if it doesn't fall natural to you?
My boyfriend told me that he had a hard time doing it, because really I often felt that he was better than them. But he still manage to do it.
So I started to think... Why can't I be interested in other people and their lives?
I don't think I'm better than them, in fact I usually adore a person even more if he/she is better than me in what I focus on being talented at.
Then I realized that it might be because I just hate people. I can't fake an interest in another person because I keep focusing on everything I think is wrong with the person, even though its minor and stupid irrelevant things. They all add up, and give me an overall negative view of this person.
However, I never show it. I always keep these thoughts to myself, because my brain naturally blocks out that possibility because I rationally know that its stupid and it won't get me anywhere.
Hating others have, and will never be any one but my own problem.
But only now I realize that that might be a bigger problem than I thought.. Until now, it have just been my own personal rant (everyone loves to have something to hate) ..
It really started to bug me that I can't help but get annoyed at others.. I don't only think it will effect friendships or making friends, but in general it is a major flaw that I often blame people for being who they are and doing what they do, only because I would probably have done something different.
The people I get most annoyed at, are people who remind me of my past self. Every time I can recognize a feeling or a thought that I have had years ago, I keep thinking "Yeah, I'd been there... but now I got older and wiser".
I hate kids who loves to draw what I loved to draw when I was their age. I hate people for having the same kind of problems I had 10 years ago.
And I know that I have no reason to do it.. I know why I hate it, and I know the rational reason for why I shouldn't blame them.
But I still keep doing it.
Maybe if I didn't hate people, I would not only be able to find other people interesting, but I would probably also have an easier time communicating and understanding other people for their differences.
But right now I don't even know how to get rid of that problem...