Wheeze

So I’ve messed up. Again.

July of 2011 I came out to a very small group of family and friends. I did it one person at a time and as each person was receptive to the idea I moved on to the next person. Then about a month into opening up I hit my first instance of adversity. One of the people I thought would be most receptive turned and threw some very harsh insults my way. The insults cut me deep enough that that night I contacted a lady I knew had feelings for me and asked her to go out on a date.

I told myself that other gay men had lived full and fulfilling lives with wives. That I’d suppressed the feelings this long in my life, that I could do it for another 70 years and just be “normal”.

So we had our date and I thought maybe there would be something there. Maybe if I just willed it long enough and hard enough, that some sort of physical connection would just appear. Yeah… No. So then I went to the source of the whole problem and blew up at him. He told me that what he had said was not suppose to be an insult. That he supported my decision whole heartedly and that he was sorry I had interpreted his words so poorly.

The next step was to end a relationship with a lady I had been friends with for years and hope to salvage at least a small piece of friendship. This failed miserably. Not just miserably, but if there was a Hollywood movie about it, it would be a psycho killer flick.

After all this I stopped coming out. There has been a few people since then that I have shared with, but I am by no means in the open.

Now to the current: a few weeks ago I counseled at a youth camp. Had an amazing time, meet a lot of amazing people, including one lovely lady that I was able to open up with. It was her first time counseling at a camp, and my seventh, so she and I were paired up for group events. We spent a lot of time together.

Well, of course I ruin everything. Why this time? ‘Cause when I got back from camp I was encouraged to start being me again, to open up to people again, to use my words and live without hiding. So I was at a friend’s house and he knew about my preferences but one of the other ladies there did not. We spent much of the night playing cards and I shared a lot of the stories I had from camp.

At some point during the night a comment was made that I followed through with a joke about me and my husband and the reaction the lady had to it was horrifying. It took me a minute to realize that it wasn’t the joke she was reacting to. It was the idea that I was gay. So I didn’t bring it up again. But before I left she made the comment that she couldn’t believe I was allowed to counsel at a camp.

My friends defended me and asked her to leave. But the damage had been done. I spent the rest of the evening internalizing her horrified expression and bitter words. I threw up several times and by the next day I’d fallen back into the same trap that ruined me before.

So I texted the counselor I had grown so close to and we scheduled our first date…

I’ve since traveled the full circle.

I don’t want to loose her as a friend. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t know how I can live with myself If I make her cry.

It’s hopeless.

Thanks for reading this.