walkawaysun09

Some days in the summer, I hurt more than others. I give myself too much time to think, and I get caught up in old pain, trying to figure out the reasons the rhymes to why things happened and wishing I could undo the "mistakes". I spent four years pursuing a career I didn't have a chance at being part of, because of the lack of interaction with others in the job atmosphere, and the fact that I was so far removed from others in my family, allowed to just sit and "do something for myself" and having no one to do well for...I failed, I floundered. As I tried hard to find "inspiration" but had none.

I was reading online, that ENFJ's get depressed and easily uninspired in careers when they have no one to impress or telling them that they should be something. Without that kind of support, I fell apart. Not a single person back home said "You should be an animator" once I got home, they thought I slacked off, they always asked the wrong questions and never really gave me support...my family who I thought I was doing it for, seemed to abandon me because I was never home...

I picked up a guitar to emulate a "hero" figure, and tried to learn like they did...because that is how I learn, emulating others, copying...but I was told in Animation to "figure it out yourself" but...I didn't like doing that, I wanted to be shown through it to do it myself. ANd by the time they got the "how to" DVD's I was so uninspired I just let my depression get to me and dropped out after failing a few classes and not feeling like finishing.

Here I stand, a year plus later thinking "Should I be a teacher? Why would I want to be a teacher, it's so much extra work, extra time in school, is it too much to ask of myself?" but if I'm not...what do I do? I know I can write, but I can't write well enough to be published. And if I did get published...I'd probably never sell, my work would never sell that well...so what do I do?

I am at a crossroads ans it hurts...I always wonder and doubt myself and then look for answers in other people because I really don't care about what I want...I want others happy, and think that if they are, I'll be happy...sometimes I wish I could inspire myself, instead of seeking approval so often. But no matter what I do, I want to be able to support my Meaky, I want to give her a life she's never had because I love her so much, I would rather see myself hurt than her unhappy. Because that is just how I am.

This is just me rambling and being all mopey and depressed...tomorrow I'll probably be over it, and leave this question unanswered for another few months until I am faced with graduation and the "What's next".