unico

Disintegrating from a 4 to an Unhealthy 2 in a Prior Relationship

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unico
, 08-18-2011 at 04:27 PM (803 Views)
I'm an enneagram 4, which disintegrates to an unhealthy 2 under stress and while dysfunctional. It is easy for me to see this for myself. Unhealthy 2's can be manipulative and obsessive over people -- trying to win love at any cost. 2's want to think they have good motives always, but sometimes they are being very selfish and needy. They feel they need someone and will do whatever they can to keep this person around, usually developing codependent relationships filled with pain. Yet despite the pain they cannot leave. Their sense of worth is based around giving to other people and making other people feel good. However, beneath that is their great desire to be loved and they act in altruistic ways, but for selfish reasons. The love is not pure and unconditional -- the love is demanding and angry.

I can see this side of myself from when I was obsessed with the young man I always talk about. I was very unhealthy (feeling suicidal and panicked much of the time) and felt like I needed Him to love me in return. I needed Him to love me more than anyone else. I felt worthless if He criticized me. Even when he didn't want me around I would cling and try to make him need me. He was right in saying I was manipulative -- it's just that it was 1. mostly unconscious and 2. He was extremely manipulative of everyone and was not in a position to call me out on my manipulativeness. I admit that I was probably hard to deal with at times, but I didn't do anything terrible to him. I hid my rage and aggressiveness until they would explode when I found out new details about Him/His life that I really despised.

I'm glad I can reflect back on that time period (years) and see that I played a part in what happened. I was not wholly innocent. I do think I harbor some unconditional love for Him, but I was demanding (not directly) that He love me back just as much. I don't even think he is (or was) currently capable of loving as much as I am. He has too many things holding Him back. I know now I'm better off without Him in my life. I still don't feel "ready" to hear about Him in any way, though. Maybe someday I will feel differently about that. I made mistakes with Him and I've learned. I hope to never put up with that kind of abuse and neglect again. I want to be able to walk away from people causing me more suffering than happiness. I want to be able to think for myself what I'm worth instead of letting all my self-esteem ride on one (unstable) person's opinion.

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  1. SaiKick's Avatar
    nice self-awareness; do you think you are repressing any additional anger or sadness? it's good to let all of that out, and it's VERY good that you're so self aware that you can analyze yourself so surgically.

    When you say you don't feel "ready" to hear about him, what exactly do you mean? It appears as though you're alluding to painful repressed memories. If so, and I'm no expert-- but I would imagine that the sooner you dealt with these locked up emotions, the healthier your psyche will be; otherwise, the denial of those feelings are bound to cause other issues, so to speak. nice share though, very well thought out and I'm glad you're using it to heal.
    unico thanked this post.
  2. nekudah's Avatar
    as a 4w5,I relate very much to what you have written here,and the regression to an unhealthy 2 is a very painful experience for me.so much so that I cringe internally even when merely thinking about when my behavior and feelings and thought process was during those times

    but what I have learned is the importance of forgiving and accepting myself.when 4's integrate to 1,its not the judgemental and rigid aspects of 1 that they intergrate towards

    Rather,it putting a firm grounded reality,a healthy minitoring on my unhealthy emotionalism in that 2 state,as well as a certain dignity that comes along with saying to yourself,yes, I acted unhealthily,I forgive myself for that,but there is no reason that I need to be stuck in those states ever again

    accepting that you were not wholly innocent is a great step towards your growth and self awareness as a human being
    unico thanked this post.
  3. unico's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by SaiKick
    nice self-awareness; do you think you are repressing any additional anger or sadness? it's good to let all of that out, and it's VERY good that you're so self aware that you can analyze yourself so surgically.

    When you say you don't feel "ready" to hear about him, what exactly do you mean? It appears as though you're alluding to painful repressed memories. If so, and I'm no expert-- but I would imagine that the sooner you dealt with these locked up emotions, the healthier your psyche will be; otherwise, the denial of those feelings are bound to cause other issues, so to speak. nice share though, very well thought out and I'm glad you're using it to heal.
    I don't want to hear about where he is in life now, basically. I can talk about what happened with people, I just don't want to hear how wonderful his life may be now when I'm still struggling emotionally. I hope that makes sense...
  4. SaiKick's Avatar
    yea-- i figured as much; i'm the same way with my ex; I still "love" her but I never want to hear from her, a text/email, nuthin.
    unico thanked this post.
  5. unico's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by nekudah
    as a 4w5,I relate very much to what you have written here,and the regression to an unhealthy 2 is a very painful experience for me.so much so that I cringe internally even when merely thinking about when my behavior and feelings and thought process was during those times

    but what I have learned is the importance of forgiving and accepting myself.when 4's integrate to 1,its not the judgemental and rigid aspects of 1 that they intergrate towards

    Rather,it putting a firm grounded reality,a healthy minitoring on my unhealthy emotionalism in that 2 state,as well as a certain dignity that comes along with saying to yourself,yes, I acted unhealthily,I forgive myself for that,but there is no reason that I need to be stuck in those states ever again

    accepting that you were not wholly innocent is a great step towards your growth and self awareness as a human being
    I agree, nekudah, and I'm sorry you've experienced this kind of pain, as well.
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