About manic depression and life
by, 05-14-2009 at 01:54 AM (1707 Views)
I almost don't even have the will to write this. I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep and sleep. Not do anything. Just turn off my phone and not see anyone. Nail my windows and doors shut.
At times I've thought if I'm manic depressive. Yesterday I was totally ok during the daytime. Went swimming with my friend and laughed my ass off. The night before that, again hugely depressed. Before that, had quite some fun...I don't remember. I'm usually a very cheerful person.
I think the problem might be the medical university prep course. I so wanted to get into the medical university, but as things are going, I have about two weeks left to study for the entrance exam and it's not enough. Getting in requires masterful knowledge of both physics and chemistry and while I'm pretty ok with chemistry, physics is hebrew to me.
I also don't know if I'll ever be good with regular jobs. Working from 8 to 4, eating for 30 minutes, the drill. I like the idea of being a crisis area doctor, but seriously, my interests keep changing so fast that I don't know if I'll make a good anything. Being interested about something for half a year is an absolute cap for me. Often I get get obsessively interested about things, but it lasts perhaps 3-4 days tops. There's a constant need for change. Whatever can I do, being like this? The need to specialise in life absolutely kills me. I want to do everything! For the same reason, the recommended professions for ENFPs don't really interest me that much. Journalism, interior design, so on. All of them are too narrow in scope and don't really mean in the big picture of life that much. I want to help people and the aforementioned professions feel either too shallow or need years and years of work, of specialising, to become interesting.
I've understood that the diagnostic criteria for being manic depressive includes having episodes of depression / mania for at least a week. I get real depression very rarely, but I often get melancholic. I think about the universe as a whole, my place in it, how things have gone and listen to bands like "All My Faith Lost..." It usually goes away in half a day but it can come back after. The timetable is similar with the manic phases. The whole world is there for the taking, I have all kinds of special plans and can do anything. I feel like dancing and jumping up and down and am full of energy. I'm in direct contact with the gods above and can feel their warmth on my face. However, I still don't know if I am really manic depressive. At least according to the regular diagnostic criteria. But what is this, then? The ENFP mindset? If so, it can be a blessing, but definitely also a curse.
Nailing the doors and windows shut is escaping, of course, but escaping is really how I feel at the moment. I'm so disappointed at myself and feel ashamed. Everyone depended on me and wanted me to do my best. Is this my best, then? Studying for 13 hours a day for two months straight and then stopping, like to a wall? Just thinking about the entrance exam book gives me this instant aversion...this revulsion...the thought makes me nauseous.
Hopefully things are going better for you guys...I hate to sound like whining. I want people to feel happy and writing things like this feels like dragging them down.