Tucken

So I had been gathering a lot of info and done a lot of thinking. It wasn't an outspoken question, but I was wondering "Why do I do all these things that I don't want to do?". School, keeping contact, carrying phones and devices with me everywhere I went, fears and routines. All so boring, and messed up.

So I began various experimentations. I started to exercise, for the first time in my life. I researched healthy foods and was excited eating flat breads and barley gruel. In the midst of, something equal to a doormitory, of partying university students. Perhaps you'd be surprised, or not, that when you eat oat-meals in the evening, and not in the morning, people have much opinion about it! That when you begin to exercise, your own parents think there is something wrong with you! That as an adult when you don't care about school or homework, though even a kid would state it without hesitation, then things are serious!

I was getting angry very with all these systems and people controlling me. Increasingly blaming them, blaming parents, teachers, politicians the more I researched my misery. For good reason...Maybe. The social conditioning is there, that shouldn't be denied. Society is as it is.

One of the things that I've been the most angry and upset about is school. I never wanted to go there. As a kid, I struggled greatly first day I was going to kindergarden. Yet I was overwhelmed by everyones demands. My father had to go to work, I remember...And I had no keys to the house, like my older siblings. What could I do?

It was a very barbaric thing to do, forcing a little kid into something. And not just anything, but a twelve year imprisonment, until he was so accustomed to it he didn't mind it. It was a secure cell, and the future held great promise, with higher studies and western civilization goodies and what not.

And then it hit me, just a few weeks back. Even though I'm sure I've thought about it before. Now it kinda dawned upon me. I could have refused, fought it, made it unacceptable. I owed it to myself. Even at that early age...And everything which followed upon it, followed because I accepted this in the very beginning and fell in line. Went to school...

I cannot blame any teachers or parents, it was all my mistake. I failed myself then and there. Crap!! ARGH was I angrrry with this.

From now on, I'll do better :). And all blaming outside is bound to begin with myself, perhaps from somewhere long ago, long forgotten.