I don't belong here
I feel ridiculous. I am just not a whining person. I am no ways sweet. In fact I love to be blunt and I like bluntness. I love mocking people and I love getting mocked. I just feel liked and accepted when that happens. But here, I find everyone has gone mellow. For once I also felt a forum like this, where Type 4s voice their self-analysis is harmful. But then what is harmful and what is not harmful? Not everybody is looking for some kind of spiritual or higher thing. I was just deluding myself with that. The whole description of Enneagram had got on to my head - that 4s are like this and 4s are like that. 4s are wonderful creatures, 4s are beautiful creatures. Then I had expectations from myself what I can do for 4s. I don't know where they come from. Probably from some emptiness within me, some yearning, some longing of my own, unanswered repressed and taking a new life, a new shape.
Why am I telling this here? Why? What is the purpose? Is it a desperate attempt to connect, to get a few more thanks as I got with the first thing I posted here. Am I describing 4s again? No. I want freedom. I really do. I want to be free from being a type 4. I have imprisoned myself somewhere in this conception. The enneagram type 4 looks like a mission of my life - a mission that I do not want. I do not want to help 4s in anything. Once I did but no more. I just want to belong to the world once more. Stopping to be a type 4 is the only way for me.
What does a type 4 mean to me? Someone with a particular brand of creativity as a gift. This gift (which I believe is writing) is heavy on my heart and head. This demand from myself to be creative, to be talented, I don't know what to do with it. The curiosity to know more type 4s and above all finding some 4 to connect to, to talk to.
The internet is highly overrated. One has to be a lot of things before the internet responds to him/her. Either you fall into a stereotype, like many on the literature forum and many at this forum too. Isn't enneagram itself stereotyping people who are not to be stereotyped? I know in principle Enneagram has less to do with stereotyping and more to do with growth. But in reality I see very little of growth pursued and a lot of stereotyping going on. I am this, I am that... I want to be free from myself, from every conception of mine that I have or that people have. As Kahlil Gibran said: Those who understand you, enslave something within you.
I do not want to be enslaved and I still want to be loved. And this is not a place for that. I came with that expectation. I have to go look for it in other places now. No matter how much technology has advanced, it cannot match meeting a human being, having eye contact and a face to face talk. The anonymity that one can afford on the internet is pleasing, but only in the start. Very soon it becomes a prison; where no affection can reach and from where no affection can go out.
I am frustrated with this place. I wish it could improve. I wish I can improve it. But I cannot do it all alone. Solitary projects are very tormenting. Only writing has the essence to make a solitary endeavour bearable.
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