Deep thoughts and my long time gay crush
by, 12-28-2010 at 01:52 PM (846 Views)
As the year comes to a close, Iíve been doing a lot of thinking about my life, like I usually do at the end of each year. The last two years have been kind of crazy for me, and Iím finally getting back to a point of inner peace and contentment. So I kind of felt like retracing all of these steps, and in case anyone was curious to hear about it, Iím making it a blog post here.
Basically, leading up until the end of 2008, I was overall in a really good position in life. I had finally gotten a steady career that I felt comfortable with (Iím a high school teacher), and I finally felt secure in life about my future. The great thing for me is that due to my own nature and my ISFJ qualities, I had reached a point where I was pretty happy with the simple things in my life. Iím amazed sometimes about how simple things can truly make me happyÖso often I will just go find some place in nature in near my neighborhood, listen to some of my favorite songs, and feel a huge sense of bliss that is great as anything as Iíve ever felt in my life. Combine this with other simple thingsÖmovies I like, books I like, video games, talking with people online, watching sports with friendsÖI can feel like I have everything that I need. Really, my only stress came from my job, and every time I hit a break or finished a semester, all of that stress disappeared.
But in 2009, a few things changed. The first few things rocked me quite a bit, like new things sometimes do for ISFJís. I got relocated to a new job, and everything that I had gotten comfortable with work-wise was gone. I also moved to a new neighborhood, which was nice, but was still unsettling because it was new.
But when combined with these things, the biggest thing was a whole new wave of emotions that I unexpectedly hit me and overcame me. Pretty much, itís been the closest thing to being in love with someone that I think Iíve ever felt.
I still donít know exactly how to describe my sexuality. For the sake of brevity, I refer to myself as bisexual. But Iím attracted to guys and girls in different ways. However, from an emotional standpoint I think Iím much more attracted to guys. Thereís just something about the guys Iíve been attracted to that warms me up from the inside. Now, Iíve had a bunch of little crushes all throughout my life, but most of them have just kind of come and gone. But thereís one that has remained a constant, even though my feelings have had a way of subsiding.
The guy Iím referring to is a guy I met in college. He was my hallmate during freshman year. Iíve since learned that heís an ESTJ. Iíve even referred to him in a few posts on PerC, though Iíve simply referred to him as a friend that I admire.
And really, in a lot of ways thatís still the truthÖitís just that Iíve never felt such a deep level of admiration for someone. Itís almost like I look up to him in an extreme wayÖ.thereís just something about him, from his looks, to his confident and relaxed manner, to his great social skills and ability to make people laugh, to his kind way of dealing with people, that has just always made him seem perfect to me. It just seems everything about him is the epitome of ďcoolĒ but in a good wayÖin a way that I deeply value. Like I said, itís almost like heís perfect, and just being in his presence has always made me feel good.
So back in college, because then I had particular confidence and self-esteem issues, what was amazing is that my whole emotional state of being was based on how I felt he thought of me. Even though he never said anything bad or mean to me, I could never quite pin down what he thought of me. Iím always been pretty dorky, quiet and shy, and I usually wouldnít say much when we would hang out in groups. He was always nice to me, and I still remember in vivid detail one time when we came back from break and he unexpectedly hugged me in a caring, genuine mannerÖit was one of the best feelings in my entire life. But due to my own perceptions, I always felt like since he was so much cooler than me, that his actions were always done out of a sort of pityÖand any time I felt like he was off doing cool, social activities with other people, I always felt like I was a boring, worthless dork.
So I donít know exactly what my emotions are. Iíve told other gay people about it online, and Iíve heard mixed reactionsÖsome say itís just a really strong sense of admiration, some have said itís a legitimate crush. Either way, itís the closest thing to being in love that Iíve ever felt, and Iíve never felt this way about anyone else.
Time moved on, and even though sometimes I felt really down and depressed about us having to leave, I had grown to accept it because I knew it would always happen. I didnít spend as much time with him in sophomore or junior year because we lived in different dorms, and he graduated a year early. I also never had a deep level of confidence in our friendship, so I didnít know the best way to try to keep in touchÖit felt awkward since it was so one-sided.
So the years passedÖ.I went about five years without talking to him or seeing him. It got to the point where I hardly thought about him anymore, since I knew it would do no good.
But in the spring of 2009, something made me think about college, and therefore think about him, and I decided trying to look him up on facebook. I found him and friended him, and thinking about everything that I had ever felt in the past, I felt compelled to send him a message. While I didnít tell him of my full feelings for him, I basically said that I always felt like I was kind of dorky, that he was much cooler than me, but that he was always very kind to me. I thanked him for all of the times he was nice to me. He responded by telling me he appreciated me telling him this, but that he had always just viewed me as a just as much of a friend as anyone else he had known.
This motivated me to set up a time where I could come and see him that summer, and I did. I of course was super nervousÖI didnít want to make a fool out of myself and make him not want to see me again. But, the meeting went quite well, I had a good time, and I felt like I didnít come across as too stupid or dorky. Besides, I got to talk with hi one-on-one way more than I ever had in the past, and it was great.
The problem wasÖonce it was over, I found myself thinking about him more and more and more. It was almost like I became obsessed, and I felt like I constantly wanted to be able to talk to him. The problem was that we had almost never talked to each other over such a long period, and I felt like he would have never contacted me had I not contacted himÖhe has a lot of different friends and I felt like we had never been that close.
The other thing is that he is definitely straight, and has a girlfriend on top of that. Now, Iíve never really wanted a relationship with himÖIíve always known heís straight, and I long ago knew never to seek that out.
ButÖduring the rest of 2009 and first half of 2010, I found myself thinking about him constantly. The worst part was I found that I couldnít enjoy my simple pleasures in life anymoreÖI felt like I was too geeky, too wussy, too boring, too childish, too sheltered, too naÔveÖeverything. Every time I tried to enjoy myself, I kept thinking that my ďcrush guyĒ as I can refer to him, would think that I was weird or stupid. A lot of things he liked that were so different from me seemed so intellectual and so coolÖfrom the books, movies and music he mentioned to his social and outgoing activities, to his travelling and knowledge about his work. I just felt so inadequate.
So Iíve been faced with a dilemmaÖthat is do I try to cut this guy out of my life completely, knowing that my unrequited love has caused me so much distress? Or do I find a way to manage it all?
That has been my journey in 2010, and Iím very thankful that Iíve reached a very nice resolution about it all. Itís been a constant battle, but Iíve realized that itís really been about my own self-esteem and self-acceptance. Iíve never viewed my own interests as important and worthy, and always thought lowly of myself. Iíve finally gotten to the point where I can enjoy the things that I do and not feel bad about them anymore. Iíve accepted that me and my crush guy are different people, and that even though he doesnít know everything about me, that heís never treated me badly or been mean to me or anything based on who I am. Even though Iíve tortured myself in my head, Iíve started being able to convince myself thatís itís all in my head and that he doesnít think lowly of me.
So itís a very interesting situation. Iíve talked to him and am planning on seeing him again this summer (I tried last year but he was really busy), and I think Iíve found a good balance of being able to enjoy the huge highs Iíve felt from talking to him and being around him while at the same time being able to block him out when I need to feel good about all of the things that I enjoy.
But I still find it amazing that he has no idea that Iíve been going through this. He probably thinks that I just view him as a regular friend and hardly ever think about him, when in fact I went a solid year where I thought about him every single day and wished I could talk to him and be around him.
So anyway, thanks for anyone who had the patience to read thisÖit feels great to get it all in writing.