id rather not be this way
by, 01-03-2009 at 09:28 AM (1901 Views)
i dont know but recently my head seems to hurt more.
im just very frustrated by the way things have turned out. im only 21 but i feel like i have waisted a lifetime.
i wish i could think. i have been left in a cage for the past two years doing the same work day in and day out and it gets to me. everyday i deal with a negative angry and racist man. everyday i get talked down to. everyday by someone i am told i am stupid.
i do the monkey work no one else wants that is why i am still employeed. which i dont do well. im not very social and the people i do talk to just want something from me.
its getting to the point where i dont feel stupid anymore. i look around at my day and life and know i am.
im not dedicated to anything anymore. which makes me bitter.
id like to study and know something. id like to have a field that i master in. but no matter how hard i try something happens- i get sick, i lose my job, i have to help someone else with their life, i see something shiny or something else that consumes all my time and energy.
ive cut alot of my family out of my life. they love me and their always there its just they suck me in and i dont want to be there.
ive gone to therapy. i dont have a mental disorder. im just not able to stop screwing my life up.
i hang out with alot of smart people. very well educated and cultured and well mannered people. theyre always talking about computers or literature or the inner workings of an atom. they talk about science and culture.... world events current events... i just feel retarted.
with all that i have gone threw in life i should be happy. i should be greatful that i can still see. that i can still function enough to drive.thati should be happy to know that i have a family that does everything they can to be there for me. but i just cant seem to be feel happy.
i thought once i was smart. but apparently that was just because i was very religious and kind. when my faith started to waiver and when i started to doubt it was like everything fell apart. i still believe in God and i still try to follow Christ.... but its next to impossible when i cant find the will to get in the shower some mornings.
this has been going on for so long. i can hide it well for the most part. there is no one that can help me.
i feel ahsamed sitting down and writting this. i feel like i should hold myself together but i cant. i feel like i have written or said these words so many times. its been so long since i felt okay with my life.
i want to do something with my life but i have no clue. i feel stupid for even wanting to think that way. how can i change anything when i dont have enough in me to know anything to change?
im just going in circles know. oh well.