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I know the feeling my friend, i know it well. I have no idea who I am either and I'm an INTP. I'm not super intelligent either lol. Seems like i just have more difficulty than most feeling connected to people. But you said something that i think is important. You notice people don't respond to your jokes in the way that you would like. That is such an important observation. Some people go on making jokes that rub people the wrong way and it makes me facepalm. I would say don't joke in the same way. In this life you have the opportunity to behave how you want, so try different things. It doesn't make you any less you. You don't need to figure yourself out. The only thing you should really care about is how to feel good. It sounds like you want a degree of social acceptance as many do. I understand. I have social acceptance but I still have trouble appreciating people so I still can't feel like i belong. We're different, but i'd say play to your strengths. Try getting over social fears first and also realize that your relationships at the moment don't really matter with most people. This gives you the freedom to experiment with any behavior you want. good luck, i hope i helped.

"When I laugh at a joke, I often do not know if I am laughing because other people are laughing or if i found it actually funny."

I have the same problem but for things I consider more complex like knowing do I like some movie or it's just peer pressure, but I think I'm getting better at it lately. :) Just work on it indefinitely and it'll get better.

You mention INTPs an their crises, but I think that is a type 4 thing (I see that you, like me, are type 4). So, for starters, I think these links are valuable, if you haven't already seen them.

Next, you say you first have to define yourself. I think you could say identity is like life, it's what you make of it. Try a couple out, stick with what you like. That's the theory at least, I too, have problems with that.

About acting like yourself. My idea is to act safe around people who you don't care about much or see rarely. I see no reason to pick fights or anything with them. But be try to be as much what you think/feel/know you really are around your closest friends.

"My ideas when argued, are poorly phrased, poorly constructed, and not well sent out. I need time to make them. In the heat of debate, I am unable to do that. Emotions cloud the way and force a response, no matter how stupid, foolish, idiotic, and pointless. At the end of the debate, I always have the winning responses....too late, however."

Two observations here. One, I thought so too, and when I spoke up it turned out I was wrong, and not just by other peoples' opinion but I realized it too. So you know how they say: speak up or it didn't happen, sorry. Two, later you mention how you have nothing to offer, yet you say you always have winning responses. Paradox?

"I want to make money"

*cough*onlysomuchtosustainaconfortablelivingthinko fthechinesechildren*cough*

"My friendships almost strike me as shallow."

I am confused by statements like these sometimes. Sure, we don't all have friends to whom we can say everything that comes on our mind. I strive for that too, but we have to accept that an average friendship is not like that, and that a "shallow" friendship can be as much as joyful.

"I feel like I am fighting myself."

Terrible, terrible condition. I have it too. If you find a solution please tell me too. Until then I'll just fight 'till hopefully one day I won't have to fight it anymore.

"I am dubbed an INTP, and yet, my intelligence is sub-par."

I think those descriptions are over exaggerated. "Sub-par" doesn't mean "you'll always win at chess". You also have to take developing those skill into account. Like I'm supposed, as an INFJ, to have "psychic powers" about human emotions. Maybe I had, but I never felt like that is some "superpower".

"They make the same grades as me, they have girlfriends, they have a great time with friends. They love their lives."

Read this.

"Where is my so called logic to save me? What good is logic if it cannot objectify emotions and solve them like any other equation?"

You're using logic for things it's not mean't to be used. Since I'm a nasty man I think humans are biological machines and you could use logic for emotions, but as I've heard it usually doesn't work like that despite the theoretical mechanistic worldview. Use logic for work and life organisation or something. Pro tip: find an INFJ friend/girlfriend and ask him/her about emotions, you'll never be confused again. XD

You just have to try out thing and find what you like.

"but will I be happy? Who am I?"

Depends on you mate. If making a GladOS doesn't make you happy (if that is at all possible :D) you should do something else. My intuitions says you don't have much problems in the professional department, and that your problems lie in the social department. I suggest books. Psychology, self-help, that kinda stuff. Sounds bad, but I think it can help. That or help from someone you're close with.


Here's my answer to the question "Who am I?". Maybe that could help you? I hope you don't mind me stealing your topic. XD