SargeMaximus

So, ever since I was like 5 or 6 I've been terrified of E.T. Last night I began my journey to confront it and the reasons why, basically just trying to understand fear, or at least my specific fear, and (hopefully) overcome it. I watched the movie, and wrote a stream-of-consciousness blurb which is below. If anyone knows anything about fear and confronting it (NOT hiding from it, making 'everything be ok', feeling better about it, or any of that hiding/repressing garbage. I'm looking to actually UNDERSTAND it, rather than make it go away. Acceptance and incorporation.) then please feel free to let me know what you do. Cheers!

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n all my years I have never known a theif. the lies of uncertainty stained the walls of despair. Still, to each his own. my thoughts exactly. while it cannot be declared as fear, the thing can most certainly be discovered as loss. the loss of that which is healing. my soul has been in loss and fears the loss, thus it loses. far be it from me to apply any thought concievables, but to each his own. this and others like it have long forgotten to be free. set in amongst the chain gardens, my hope exactly. this was the time of elves and all things elvish. that thing creeps along the floor as though it would not be approved of. yet it would. it skulks in the shadows as thought it would be smitten, though it is embraced. it hides though it should not, my fears exactly. that thiong which cannot be seen has hidden itself from view on the hops of all this is why I stay away. this is why I pray. this is why the fear and this is why I hide and cry. the thoughts exactly. they are here, inside my mind, it was not the problem until it died nor was it so scary once it appeared, but the waiting was so. the anstridomous was so. this was it exactly. I lost. I fell. I cried. I bled. I wept. it stayed, it died, it left. all my fear I held it tight. all my hopes I saw into it's eyes. it did not look at me, it looked through me. I looked to embrace it, it didn't embrace me back. I thought to show it I cared, it cared not. I held out my hand, it phoned home. I was left here, it was here. it still is. inside of me. why? to torment me more? I have acknowledged it. I have accepted it, I have forgiven it, I hgave felt the pains when I thought it would die. when it died I sighed relief, because it was over. when it was alive, I sighed relief because it was there. I knew where it was. when I knew not, it was a fear I could not see. the thought of seeing it terrified me. but I couldn't see it, nor did I try, but instead held it with my eyes and saw it fully. without a blanket, without a barrier, without looking away. I saw it. I glared into the face of fear, and it mocked me. "you think you can accept me? I shall leave you wondering." it said. I was here. I am here. we are one, but it torments me so. why the mystery? why the suspicioins? and why the hiding when I have nothing to fear? I have it here, it has me not. So many times did I think I would die from joy and then the apin when it began to die. The sickness and it's spiral towards death was ,like a dagger to my chest. I thought i would die for sure. and then it lived. I have been here with it through life and death, but still it leads me on.