Happiness is a Warm Cloaca: An Argument for Intelligent Design
by, 01-28-2012 at 07:14 AM (184 Views)
You can’t form a compelling argument for intelligent design. Right? Wrong! You most certainly can! You see, an argument is like a hot air balloon. In order for it to achieve its maximum altitude it needs to jettison some excess weight. Things like parsimony and soundness weigh a ton, so they can get the fuck out of here.
Intelligent design proponents are infatuated with the concept of irreducible complexity. IC basically states that certain aspects of organisms are far too refined in form and function to have arisen by natural selection. Their absolute favorite example of this is the human eye. This served as irrefutable evidence of ID for quite some time. Until one day professional atheist and part-time biologist Richard Dawkins performed a groundbreaking experiment in which he transplanted the brain of his pet bulldog into a human body that bore an uncanny resemblance to Santa Clause. This creature now goes by the name “Daniel Dennett” and spends most of its time rabidly defending its creator.
Clever-wever-doggy-Dennett had this to say about the irreducible complexity of the eye: "The eye contains a big flaw: The retina is inside-out. No designer would make such a clumsy arrangement, and this is just one of the hundreds of accidents frozen in evolutionary history that confirm the mindlessness of the process."
Le gasp! He’s right! But fear not ID hopefuls! The human eye may be an ass-backwards, jury-rigged, biological abortion, but I have an ace up my sleeve, something the atheists would never expect: the cloaca. After having made up my mind about what the truth was and scouring the scientific literature for supporting evidence while ignoring all that would refute my claim, I found the cloaca.
The cloaca is an orifice most elegant. Pee, poo, and babies come flyin’ on out and sperm goes shootin’ in. One hole, three functions, that’s efficiency. So incredibly efficient is the cloaca that it must have been the product of the Creator’s skilled hand. The sacredness of the cloaca in human cultures goes back centuries. In fact, in Spanish the cloaca is called “los labios de la angela”, which translates as “the lips of the angel” in English. At least I think that’s what they call it. I’m not sure.
Birds, reptiles, fish, and amphibians all experience the deuce-dropping, piss-taking, baby-making good time that is the cloaca. Humans, however, are missing out. Cloaca envy began with the tale of Adam and Eve. The serpent may have been convincing Eve to eat the apple, but he was also showing off his cloaca. Also, every time a bird shits on your car, you’re subconsciously saying “I too wish I could soar above the Lord’s creation and discretely drop smeared streaks of uric acid upon targets of my discretion. Dang, I wish I had a cloaca.” Cloaca envy is also the third most common source of depression and suicide in first world countries.
So why has our God forsaken us to a cloaca-less existence? He hasn’t! Studies have shown that anogenital distance is shrinking in some countries! This raises important questions such as: “why would you measure taints?” “who is measuring taints?” and “how do you measure taints?” “Is there a special ruler?” “Do you wear gloves?” I don’t know. But those questions don’t matter. What does matter is that our buttholes and genitalia are growing closer together. We are evolving a cloaca! And it’s because God loves us and wants to bestow us with the greatest product of his engineering prowess. Daniel Dennett won’t be laughing when he has to sit down to pee! Or maybe he will be; it sounds like fun.
The age of the cloaca draws nigh brothers and sisters. Our God is a clever God, and more importantly a loving God. As a loving God, he wants his children to be happy. And happiness brothers and sisters, is a warm cloaca. Cloacas on the left, cloacas on the right, cloacas are the future. For thine is the cloaca and the power and glory, forever and ever. Amen.