pretty.Odd

To the average person, I have lots of friends. People from all cliques and groups talk to me, I am on good terms with everyone, when I walk down the hall, almost every other person is either calling out my name or yelling hi, so everything sounds good right? Wrong. I feel lonelier than ever, I feel that no one truly understands me, and my weirdness and awkwardness pushes people away from having a deeper relationship with me. I do not desire having a wide circle of "friends". I do not want to be friends, well my definition of a friend, with anybody. People need to prove their loyalty and authenticness before I start being talkative or expressive. Yet I still want someone, a special person, someone who gets me, to be my friend. And when I see others with their groups, with many good quality friends, and they're having fun, going everywhere, posting the pictures of them having fun, I can't help but feel that I'm missing out on something fundamental.

My main problem is that I'm a walking contradiction. I'm introverted but I desire deep, intense relationships. I'm reserved and not too keen on talking about myself, but I love it when people break through my barrier and ask me questions and are generally interested in me. I enjoy my quiet time when I'm alone, reading or listening to music, but there's nothing better than having a nice discussion with someone. I feel that there's this perpetual tug-of-war between my intense desire to connect with someone and my instinct to crawl in my shell and avoid people. I confuse the average person. They don't see that beyond my usually unemotional face that I'm a very emotional person and I care about everyone. They don't understand that just because I'm not talkative or expressive, that it doesn't mean I hate them or don't like to be around them. The average person pictures an agreeable person as being full of smiles, talking constantly, being open with their emotions, being the life of the party, having a good or societal sense of good humor. I don't really smile when I meet someone, I don't talk in front of people I'm not comfortable with, I'm not open, even with my family, I'm a party pooper, and my humor is usually described as being dark or dry. All these factors work against me.

Another factor that comes into play is my strict definition of a friend. Just because I'm nice and I talk to you and pay attention to you when you talk doesn't mean I consider you a friend. Imo too many people these days throw around the word too much. A person has to prove themselves to me, and trust me I remember just about everything you say or do. I'm also reading your body language. Someone has to show me that they really do care about me, that they are dependable, open (to an extent), intelligent, willing to compromise, trustworthy, truthful, and authentic. My standards are too high, because 95% of people I encounter will never fit my standards and I will also be disappointed and lonely.

To make it short and sweet: