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My Guide to INFPs

16K views 40 replies 38 participants last post by  theonetruemonkey 
#1 ·
I'll be posting various writings I've made about INFPs, and quoting other sources also. The purpose will be to inform, debunk, and analyze.


To start, addressing a topic that comes up a lot: INTJs feeling blown off by an INFP. What went wrong? Maybe the answer lies below:

Some things people may not realize about INFPs
(generalizations ahead - feel free to disagree INFPs)

Myth: INFPs are desperate for love and will take what they can get. They latch onto just about anyone who glances in their direction.

Truth: INFPs are picky, picky, picky.
We are idealists - we often have really high standards. Many of us would rather die alone than settle for someone we feel only mediocre about. If I date you for a period and then cut out quickly, it's because I was giving you a chance, but deep down you weren't doing it for me. If an INFP seems attentive to just about anyone, well...see the next point below.

Myth: This INFPs always listens intently to me and my problems. They hug me, smile at me, and give me their undivided attention. He/she must really care about me, and probably wants to date me.

Truth: We are bleeding hearts, and solving emotional problems is a mental challenge we enjoy, like how an INTJ may like solving a math problem. I may not even like you, but I cannot help but let my sympathies be engaged, sometimes against my logical will. To an extreme, it's an ego trip for INFPs to help people. It can also be less about personal concern for you than fulfilling a greater sense of what is "right". You are just a symbol of something larger in that case. Also, while we will probably never brush off someone's problems, playing therapist tends to suck any romance out of the interaction.

Personally, I've had too many guys latch onto me because I was nice and attentive towards them, and they saw this as romantic. I was not flirty (that takes effort and I genuinely have to like you), but the sheer quality of my attention can give the wrong impression. I would pity date these guys, because it felt too mean to reject them. Now I just reject from the get-go and save us all the trouble.

Myth: INFPs are clingy and need a lot of attention in a relationship.

Truth: INFPs are introverts who need a lot of space and time alone. We can also be very independent and need to feel unique, which means keeping a distinct and separate identity from someone we are dating. If the INFP starts to feel smothered or overwhelmed, they may just panic and run away. We need quality time, affection, and verbal confirmation, but if we feel caged or monopolized then we might rebel.

Myth: INFPs are emotional, so they probably fall in love quickly.

Truth: INFPs can be quite cautious when it comes to genuine love. We may fantasize and obsess over people when we're infatuated, but being so in touch with our feelings, we really know the difference between love and infatuation. I know that building a deep connection and warming up to people can actually take a lot of time for me. You may be head over heels after 2 months, but our idealistic infatuation is wearing off and we're not totally sold for the long term yet. Sometimes, I get stuck in Ne mode of not wanting to commit and lose my other options.

If you express really strong feelings quickly, again, the INFP may be running for the door. We almost don't trust feelings that arise too quickly. We imagine we're hard creatures to understand, so we may feel that you like/love an idea of us, and not the real us. That's probably us looking at the world through our own subjective eyes - we fall in love with ideas, so we think other people do the same. I don't trust my own strong romantic feelings that arise quickly, so why should I trust yours?

I've read several threads on MBTI forums and INFPgc where INFPs confess to getting freaked out when their fantasy relationship starts to become real, and so they bail. It's a combo of high ideals, needing independence, not being able to make a decision to commit, and being suspicious of strong feelings formed quickly.
 
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#2 ·
the myth no 2 i face a lot in my life, guys usually think i love them or i want to date them because i am caring, listen to their problems, and do my best to help them
but hello that doesnt meant i love you i just like you as a friend or care about you!!

everything you mentioned i soo true
 
#7 ·
^ Precise as in "too specific to apply to a large group of people" or as in "spot on in accuracy for the typical INFP"?
 
#8 ·
You dissected and interpreted these main ideas well. However, I can't help but notice the truths you're pointing out about INFPs and their negative tendencies may be an idealized form of our negative qualities. No one is perfect, this is an accepted idea. Do you think perhaps you're reinforcing all the good qualities we possess and writing off our negative stereotypes with an idealist reasoning? I don't think you're wrong though. In fact, I think some points are valid such as the cautiousness when it comes to genuine love or the trial and error of the "perfect" relationship and our ability to cut things off rapidly. I think all who read this and assume these are true for all INFPs, such as themselves, should take into consideration that the thought process you expanded on is from the perspective of someone with authentic, independent character. Realistically that is not common nor true for most..just what they wish was true, or rather idealized was true.
 
#10 ·
I love it love it LOVE it when a girl is nice and caring towards me. When she plays therapist - I just throw myself at girls like that and amp up my neediness to terrifying levels.

Because I just want to see how much shit she can take. If she fails the test, I kinda get bored of her and I think she'll be thankful for that anyway.

But I sincerely believe a woman's love will save me and transform my life and fill up my emptiness.That's just who I am. Women are free to think and say what they want, but if I have to change that aspect of me to be in a romantic relationship, I'd rather be single all my life.

And when I'm old, I'll pass away in the arms of my imaginary girlfriend and my Epiphone Dot Studio next to me.

I am desperately, disgustingly romantic and proud of it.
 
#12 ·
stumbled.
good read.
specially the last one.
 
#20 ·
so true. my biggest problem right now is opening up. i find it sooo hard. and the weird part is that i didnt even realize it was such an issue until now. Im scared to fall for a guy. i am soo guarded. i want to love someone so badly...sometimes i feel so lonely- but whenever a guy likes me/ i like a guy i feel myself panic and i bail. im just so scared of getting hurt that i dont wanna take a risk on anyone. i feel like being an infp is so hard sometimes.
 
#21 ·
With all do respect I think you cannot call these myths. Perhaps they are only true for 20% of INFP's for example. I'll give you that, because you're having some good point.

My experiences:
I am not desperate for a love that lasts a week, but i am desperate for a love that lasts a long time and hopefully a lifetime. I want it to be part of my life. Perhaps because I made it my idealism.

I used to be emotional and really easy to fall in love. now i know better what i am looking for and i do get more picky. but i think that's every personality's experience.

"Myth: This INFPs always listens intently to me and my problems. They hug me, smile at me, and give me their undivided attention. He/she must really care about me, and probably wants to date me." --> I don't look people into the eyes because I fear the passion taking over in any way, but, I haven't had the talking/listening problem where girls and maybe even guys think I am into them. Or perhaps I have and never knew it.

All in all I think we have some idealism in common about love, which is passion and romance. This shapes an image of us that may become a somewhat mythical image. Sometimes the image matches the truth :)
 
#24 ·
I agree with most of the theory behind what you say, but our motivations are different I think.

This is the reason that people base their description on both their MBTI and Enneagram I believe.

When I help people it is not because I want to feel special about myself, although I will admit, it does make me feel good; I do it because I think the person deserves to be helped by someone, and if I don't do it, I do not know for certain if another person will. Some help comes with strings attached, mine does not. Some like to brag about how they helped a person, I never will. Some need to be thanked for their assistance, I would rather be forgotten.

Also, I typically inherently trust the feelings of others. I know that sometimes they are misguided, but I would rather assume a person is genuine and have them prove me wrong than assume someones feelings are invalid and have them prove me wrong by being genuine.

Again, I believe that these differences are because of motivations and principles. So while I believe that this guide is right for you, it's not completely right for all INFP's, you know?

Thank you very much for your efforts, I have learned some new things and gained some insights from what you've written!
 
#25 ·
Thanks for this! Absolutely spot on for me! But having been disappointed so often in love, I've stopped actively looking for it and just going along my way and if it happens it will happen but it will have to come looking for me. Fortunately, I'm happily self-contained and enjoying my freedom to come and go as I please. I don't like the inevitable part of relationships where I'm always being encouraged/ told to change my INFP ways.
 
#26 ·
It always surprises me when i read blogs and posts on here that are nearly identical to what i've journaled myself. Its a good feeling though. a less lonely feeling.
 
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