I'll be posting various writings I've made about INFPs, and quoting other sources also. The purpose will be to inform, debunk, and analyze.
To start, addressing a topic that comes up a lot: INTJs feeling blown off by an INFP. What went wrong? Maybe the answer lies below:
Some things people may not realize about INFPs
(generalizations ahead - feel free to disagree INFPs)
Myth: INFPs are desperate for love and will take what they can get. They latch onto just about anyone who glances in their direction.
Truth: INFPs are picky, picky, picky.
We are idealists - we often have really high standards. Many of us would rather die alone than settle for someone we feel only mediocre about. If I date you for a period and then cut out quickly, it's because I was giving you a chance, but deep down you weren't doing it for me. If an INFP seems attentive to just about anyone, well...see the next point below.
Myth: This INFPs always listens intently to me and my problems. They hug me, smile at me, and give me their undivided attention. He/she must really care about me, and probably wants to date me.
Truth: We are bleeding hearts, and solving emotional problems is a mental challenge we enjoy, like how an INTJ may like solving a math problem. I may not even like you, but I cannot help but let my sympathies be engaged, sometimes against my logical will. To an extreme, it's an ego trip for INFPs to help people. It can also be less about personal concern for you than fulfilling a greater sense of what is "right". You are just a symbol of something larger in that case. Also, while we will probably never brush off someone's problems, playing therapist tends to suck any romance out of the interaction.
Personally, I've had too many guys latch onto me because I was nice and attentive towards them, and they saw this as romantic. I was not flirty (that takes effort and I genuinely have to like you), but the sheer quality of my attention can give the wrong impression. I would pity date these guys, because it felt too mean to reject them. Now I just reject from the get-go and save us all the trouble.
Myth: INFPs are clingy and need a lot of attention in a relationship.
Truth: INFPs are introverts who need a lot of space and time alone. We can also be very independent and need to feel unique, which means keeping a distinct and separate identity from someone we are dating. If the INFP starts to feel smothered or overwhelmed, they may just panic and run away. We need quality time, affection, and verbal confirmation, but if we feel caged or monopolized then we might rebel.
Myth: INFPs are emotional, so they probably fall in love quickly.
Truth: INFPs can be quite cautious when it comes to genuine love. We may fantasize and obsess over people when we're infatuated, but being so in touch with our feelings, we really know the difference between love and infatuation. I know that building a deep connection and warming up to people can actually take a lot of time for me. You may be head over heels after 2 months, but our idealistic infatuation is wearing off and we're not totally sold for the long term yet. Sometimes, I get stuck in Ne mode of not wanting to commit and lose my other options.
If you express really strong feelings quickly, again, the INFP may be running for the door. We almost don't trust feelings that arise too quickly. We imagine we're hard creatures to understand, so we may feel that you like/love an idea of us, and not the real us. That's probably us looking at the world through our own subjective eyes - we fall in love with ideas, so we think other people do the same. I don't trust my own strong romantic feelings that arise quickly, so why should I trust yours?
I've read several threads on MBTI forums and INFPgc where INFPs confess to getting freaked out when their fantasy relationship starts to become real, and so they bail. It's a combo of high ideals, needing independence, not being able to make a decision to commit, and being suspicious of strong feelings formed quickly.
To start, addressing a topic that comes up a lot: INTJs feeling blown off by an INFP. What went wrong? Maybe the answer lies below:
Some things people may not realize about INFPs
(generalizations ahead - feel free to disagree INFPs)
Myth: INFPs are desperate for love and will take what they can get. They latch onto just about anyone who glances in their direction.
Truth: INFPs are picky, picky, picky.
We are idealists - we often have really high standards. Many of us would rather die alone than settle for someone we feel only mediocre about. If I date you for a period and then cut out quickly, it's because I was giving you a chance, but deep down you weren't doing it for me. If an INFP seems attentive to just about anyone, well...see the next point below.
Myth: This INFPs always listens intently to me and my problems. They hug me, smile at me, and give me their undivided attention. He/she must really care about me, and probably wants to date me.
Truth: We are bleeding hearts, and solving emotional problems is a mental challenge we enjoy, like how an INTJ may like solving a math problem. I may not even like you, but I cannot help but let my sympathies be engaged, sometimes against my logical will. To an extreme, it's an ego trip for INFPs to help people. It can also be less about personal concern for you than fulfilling a greater sense of what is "right". You are just a symbol of something larger in that case. Also, while we will probably never brush off someone's problems, playing therapist tends to suck any romance out of the interaction.
Personally, I've had too many guys latch onto me because I was nice and attentive towards them, and they saw this as romantic. I was not flirty (that takes effort and I genuinely have to like you), but the sheer quality of my attention can give the wrong impression. I would pity date these guys, because it felt too mean to reject them. Now I just reject from the get-go and save us all the trouble.
Myth: INFPs are clingy and need a lot of attention in a relationship.
Truth: INFPs are introverts who need a lot of space and time alone. We can also be very independent and need to feel unique, which means keeping a distinct and separate identity from someone we are dating. If the INFP starts to feel smothered or overwhelmed, they may just panic and run away. We need quality time, affection, and verbal confirmation, but if we feel caged or monopolized then we might rebel.
Myth: INFPs are emotional, so they probably fall in love quickly.
Truth: INFPs can be quite cautious when it comes to genuine love. We may fantasize and obsess over people when we're infatuated, but being so in touch with our feelings, we really know the difference between love and infatuation. I know that building a deep connection and warming up to people can actually take a lot of time for me. You may be head over heels after 2 months, but our idealistic infatuation is wearing off and we're not totally sold for the long term yet. Sometimes, I get stuck in Ne mode of not wanting to commit and lose my other options.
If you express really strong feelings quickly, again, the INFP may be running for the door. We almost don't trust feelings that arise too quickly. We imagine we're hard creatures to understand, so we may feel that you like/love an idea of us, and not the real us. That's probably us looking at the world through our own subjective eyes - we fall in love with ideas, so we think other people do the same. I don't trust my own strong romantic feelings that arise quickly, so why should I trust yours?
I've read several threads on MBTI forums and INFPgc where INFPs confess to getting freaked out when their fantasy relationship starts to become real, and so they bail. It's a combo of high ideals, needing independence, not being able to make a decision to commit, and being suspicious of strong feelings formed quickly.