On the road to Damascus

I just got a punch in the gut this morning. My Dad called me to say that he is now on chemotherapy for terminal cancer. The cancer was diagnosed a year ago but he was on a steroid treatment and was going relatively ok.

He is the only parent I have left...my mother passed away from cancer 13 years ago after a long illness. I was extremely close to her and lived the whole cancer ordeal and the 6 months in the hospital and home respite care by her side. I feel that I am going down that long, twisting road again and am marshaling my emotional forces to do it.

When she passed away, I realized that I have been spending my whole life communicating to my dad through my mother. She just had to look at me and know if something was wrong and would inevitably get it out of me...then would relay any information to my dad...it was like he knew me through her...my dad has little intuitive powers and is very explicit and I find it rather difficult to talk about the deep things with him. Now that he is sick, this difference in communication styles is very apparent and I am struggling to relate to him in the way that he needs it because I think he is an ISTJ and would never ask me for anything.

He feels like it's his duty to take this illness on in his silent way and I feel completely helpless...I know that I should spend more time with him but it's like I have to be very stoic in his presence and not get emotional. He talks about the visits to the doctor, the changes in medication...the back and leg pain that is increasing but it's with a detachment that I find fascinating because inside I am wailing like a 4 year old.

We will always be our parent's children...