Nicole Hobbs

Diary Entry Number 11

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Nicole Hobbs
, 07-02-2012 at 08:23 PM (145 Views)

So, I've noticed that lately I've been really wound up on the inside. Almost like a spring that's tightly coiled. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm just rather stressed out/pissed off right now. Deeply inside, though. I just feel kind of blah, and that I'm never going to get out of this financial hole that I'm in. I'm putting in applications at different places, and such, but it seems as though I'll be in some sort of a low paying dead-end job forever.

The thing is that I know that I'm better and smarter than this. I'm better than a freaking minimum wage job where I have to put up with shit constantly, and where I get taken for granted by the boss and such.

I feel like all I do is get on here and complain in this blog, and really don't get anything done about it. I hate it when people do that, complain and complain, and don't do a damned thing to fix it. I am trying fix it though...it's not as if I'm just being lazy or what not. There seem to be no jobs around...or, when there are, they take one look at my work history (10 years customer service in food service related fields) and think that I can't do anything else but food service. It's really ridiculous, though.

Ah well, methinks I'm going to do a tarot reading sometime soon, and perhaps get back into the spiritual side of things. I feel as though my spiritual side has been tamped down forcibly by myself, because I was convincing myself to kill it off, that I didn't need it. This may be one of the reasons why I feel so tightly wound up. At least when I was being spiritual/religious, there was a comforting sense that perhaps there was something beyond my own little world that I could maybe partition to help. Things seemed to go better in my life as well...or I could've just been deluding myself.
I feel like I'm deluding myself now though to keep my "agnostic/atheistic" viewpoint that I have. It doesn't feel true to what I feel deep in my core.

Blah. I don't know what to think/feel/whatever...and I've noticed I'm beginning to feel numb with everything.

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  1. Feelings's Avatar
    I'm pretty sure you could advance your career if you had the will to. IMO whether or not you progress will depend on how driven you are. I believe in you quite a lot, and I'm not just saying this stuff as feel good assurances, I truly believe it and it makes complete sense to me. If you're relatively intelligent, and you have a fire under your ass, there's not much that can stop you from getting where you want to go. Although, admittedly, your failures along the way will feel discouraging.

    Also, IMO you need to be spiritual, particularly in light of what you have written in this blog entry. In my experience, INFJs need to be INFJs. I have seen some TRY to be NT's, and be semi-successful for short periods of time, but it's not sustainable. And it's certainly not fulfilling. You gotta be the best version of yourself, not a dulled down version of someone else.

    You don't have to be agnostic/atheistic to be rational, either. I would be very understanding of NT types who believe that agnosticism is the only rational belief, but in my experience that's not true. While I think that tons of people have all kinds of irrational beliefs, I also think that some people legit experience the world on a level that I typically do not. That includes supernatural and paranormal experiences.

    I don't think the paranormal has received as much scientific attention as it deserves. The cultural norm, and medical opinion, is to regard someone who experiences the paranormal as having a mental illness. That's not a rational belief. I think most people make the leap from "yes, this person probably has a mental illness" to "I am absolutely certain that they have a mental illness". Very irrational.

    The picture in your blog post reminds me of this realization I had. Someone can say that they're a very devout Christian, and that's completely socially acceptable, even though most people probably haven't directly observed evidence that supports Christianity. Someone can say that they're being haunted by a demon, and that person's likely immediately assumed to be insane.
    Nicole Hobbs thanked this post.
  2. Nicole Hobbs's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Feelings
    If you're relatively intelligent, and you have a fire under your ass, there's not much that can stop you from getting where you want to go.

    Although, admittedly, your failures along the way will feel discouraging.

    You gotta be the best version of yourself, not a dulled down version of someone else.
    Thank you very much for your insight! I think that part of the reason why I put undo pressure on myself to become Atheistic/Agnostic was because my INTJ SO makes such a good argument for it, and my rational mind does see the benefit being such. But...there is the spiritual side of me that cries out for attention, and when it is fulfilled, I am so much more happy.

    And it's not like the SO actually forbids me from worshipping whatever I want/being whatever kind of religion I want....it was more of me forbidding myself to worship/be whatever religion that I wanted, so that I could be more rational..or be more like him, because, like I said...the logical part of my brain sees the benefit of being Atheistic/whatever...but the spiritual side...well, she sees the benefit of having beliefs.

    I quoted you on what stuck out to me the most. Thank you very much.
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