by, 02-21-2011 at 10:02 PM (302 Views)
I'm miserable. There really isn't much else to it than that. I hate it here, I hate the people I'm surrounded with, I hate the south, I hate everything. I miss being in school and I miss having friends to shoot the shit with. I think it comes down to me missing college life. Sure the classes sucked, my school sucked, and I was fucking sick of having to get fucked up every second of every fucking day, but I was happier than I am here...sort of.
This is a different kind of hell. I'm stuck back at home with my conservative parents, their fox news, and their religion. I'm in this southern suburban cookie cutter prison, I'm surrounded by people I wish I never had to deal with, and my hope for the future is dwindling. American society with all of its consumerism and bullshit is not what I imagined life to be. "Land of the free, home of the brave" my fucking ass. Maybe this is how I feel because I'm at the age where I need to be out on my own, but I don't really want to begin working for this bullshit nation and it's bullshit values.
I have to wake up early tomorrow to look for jobs. I'm not happy about this. I have to put on my happy go lucky "ENTP face" and try to get some bullshit minimum wage job that I'm overqualified for and probably going to hate (but probably not get due to lack of "experience"), all while waiting to hopefully get into this school which I really only want to go to so that I can get away from here. I appreciate the effort my mother has gone through to make me apply to this art school, but I can't handle anymore rejection. I'm already in this bottomless pit of despair and I don't need any more reasons to hate my situation. But then of course there is the bright side to all of this. I could get accepted and come the end of June I'll be working my ass of to get a degree in animation, which I would love (I think). At least I wont have to work bullshit corporate jobs or anything of the sort, but this is only a possibility, not a certainty so I'd rather not get my hopes up.
Overall, I see no point to life. I see no reason for any of this. I don't believe any of the religious lies they tell, I don't believe any of the bullshit patriotism they sling, and I don't think America is all that great. Humans are for the most part pretty un-evolved and very few people get me. I don't like most of the individuals I come into contact with and unless I achieve these impossible goals I've set for myself I'm not going to be happy. Most are okay with buying stupid shit they wont need to temporarily satiate their need to "happiness", but none of that appeals to me. I see through the marketing techniques and product placement. I dont want the fancy new car, or the fancy new television. What I want is for all of you fucking sheep to wake up and not mindlessly obey, but I don't actually see that happening.
I've come to the conclusion that I'll never be truly happy. Life sucks and I see no reason for any of it. I honestly can't even remember the last time I was happy that didn't involve some type of drug. But hey, maybe one day.