Metamorphoses

Summer has just begun in 2012... My mind races. I'm stuck in a train of thought that I will never get out of my childhood. There's so much innocence I still have and I've always felt behind when a friend of mine grows up and experiences something I can't relate to. I wouldn't dare ask them about it, that would just mark my character even more. I feel like I could go on and on... I have social tension and depression. I feel incapable sometimes, Yeah, I should be a man by now... but I kind of let the ship sail away with me still on the dock. Also on the dock are the wives of the sailors talking and planning their own adventures... I hear it all. I'm aware at what they are doing but I just don't react. I feel like I could never have that connection, that intimate relationship I could keep up with. I will often just do one thing for someone out of the blue moon, but I can't ever task it or schedule it to be consistent. I feel like if I did get into a relationship I would drift away... socially collapse within myself. Sometimes I feel like talking to people, other times it's just frustrating to have other's needs thrown at me like I'm some problem solver that's in debt to them and obligated to find a solution for them.

Sometimes I just want to cry my eyes out. I'm pretty pathetic. I don't know how to catch the boats or planes that set sail or take flight. I'm stuck inside the terminals, never able to get past the security of officially growing up and having my insides x-rayed for any signs of responsibility. I know I'm not quite there, but when will I be. I've grown up now over the past 4 years where I finished with college courses temporarily and will be put off my parent's insurance. Only the strong survive they say... I don't really have that much will to anyways. I should be on my own already... but I just take each day and moment, carefree and just stuck inside my head all day. Last night, I sat down for dinner with my family after being on a vacation hiatus for about 3 weeks. We had a family friend visit and then another person who is staying at our house for 10 weeks. I literally said one or two words the whole time at dinner. I had no self control pacing my meal... I just wanted to rush through it... I felt like I could eat everything and have seconds or thirds afterwards. I just sat back listening to conversations go back and forth... people talking about furniture or simple texting misunderstandings that turned out with dirty humor context. None of this really "fills" my cup of contentedness. If I was placed with people I still feel like I wouldn't be able to connect with them. What journey lies ahead for me? I hardly see any bright future, since most of my current tasks at hand that I have myself involved in are pretty simple, and there are far more complex processes I can only fathom to be a part of. This past June I also was hinted that instead of a 5w6, I might actually be a 9w1. A problem solver- balancing diplomat. I can look at people's problems... then ask why the hell is there a reason on this earth to make drama out of it. Well, I guess drama is the mature way of getting things to move... whether or not it's forwards or backwards progress, it's still motion. The earth is stuck in motion, If it weren't then the seasons would stop, time would stop, and I would be in the perfect world I often dream of... The world where there is simply no growing up. I wonder how much I make sense out of these paragraphs. I could easily write a book like James Joyce's Ulysses. Stream of conciousness observations and venting. What good would that do? We all have our perceived problems... yet are they all important? Would we still live on and be healthy if they sorted themselves out or left them in some intricate entanglement of sticky webs linking to other problems.

I don't know what to expect out of this next year. I'll start working full-time maybe... I might actually try to take responsibility over my own healthcare and making decisions about appointments I might need or could use. I don't even objectively look over any financial stuff either. Both my siblings who did the 4 year college thing, both graduated high school with some discipline and maintained 4.0s, they... they find themselves both married now to other content and curious significant others. I feel left behind in the waves of immaturity. I'm far off from any type of marriage commitments... I have yet to really realize any of my passions and if I did... I just see a small pilot light of those passions flaming, but I'm still immobile towards acting on them. I feel like I don't deserve any of those passions I want. I feel like those passions don't really benefit others and that it will be a waste of time. After I analytically look at what I would make myself into in 20 or 30 years... I wonder was there a direct benefit I give people? Actually, why should I even care about others when they have their own goals in mind. We all die in the end and move on to something better right? I don't really want to invest too much in life when it seems so meaningless sometimes. I have my doubts. Yeah, I grew up going to church every Sunday, now days I sometimes just lie in bed and skip it... or I actually do go and even though I've been a member there for 12 years almost, I feel disconnected with all the changes that have taken place there. I just leave after the service or attempt to make small talk and say I'm doing well to old family friends, who I've seen growing up and who I knew through their children. I don't benefit at all from any of the emotional needs given out at church. I just look and see some clueless lost souls of the people there yearning for something good. I could drop that environment in a heart beat and go back to being my secluded self... stuck in my own pity.

To be continued maybe... video rants might work out better with this. I just can't believe how much tension I hold onto that is just building up to burst. Social, sexual, frustration, lifestyle tension... what other types are there? I'm stuck in it and feel like no one else deserves to have them thrown at either. Does everyone just feel this way and act like the better person by just realizing we are stuck here to live unless we end it ourselves? They compose themselves and go after fake wants. Also, to actually finish a 4 year degree and then go on to work for 20+ years influencing others... it all just seems like if I take that route, I will look back like I had written this rambling just yesterday and time flew by. People will forget and forgive. I remember but most of the time just don't care since it's not a big deal and I will forgive... even if I don't say it.

bah ok, time for more netflix binging, reminds me of how much I can just stare into fictional characters and act like I should actually be accomplishing something like they are doing. And it continues...

Do not boast about tomorrow,
for you do not know what a day may bring.

Proverbs 27:1